Cardinals Players Believe Brendan Ryan “Wrist Injury” Just A Practical Joke

Brendan Ryan makes a spectacular diving play for a ball to the hilarity of his teammates. What this photo fails to show is that the ball was simply sitting on the ground.

(Jupiter FL) Teammates and Front Office personnel told reporters today that they believe long time Cardinal’s jokester and shortstop Brendan Ryan’s “wrist injury” that’s been plaguing him for years is simply “One big elaborate practical joke.” The “wrist injury” has kept him out of training so far this spring and is expected to keep him “day-to-day” until he reveals the gag around the first game of the season.

“This is a pretty good one,” said Ryan’s teammate Adam Wainwright, “I mean he’s pulled some stuff before; the mustache, the over-sized batting helmet, but man, to fake a serious injury for years just to get out of one spring training. Well, that’s just classic Boog.”

Ryan was said to have gone to such lengths as complaining about the “ailing” wrist for a few seasons, enduring what can only be seen as unnecessary cortisone shots as “treatment” and in the past few weeks has taken the joke as far as having unnecessary surgery just to throw people off of his trail. Team doctors said that it would take about 4-8 weeks to “recover” from the gag.

Ryan’s exploits have led his teammates to get in on the fun this spring and has lead to an overall positive attitude in the clubhouse and a welcoming atmosphere for players new to Spring Training. A few of the current starters especially had some fun with 2009 Draft pick Shelby Miller.

“I told him that Branden’s ‘injury’ was fake and that he would think it was hilarious if Shelby went up and just punched him in the wrist,” said Cardinal’s relief pitcher Trevor Miller, “You should have seen the look on Brendan and Shelby’s faces when he actually did it. I mean Shelby looked horrified and Brendan was laughing so hard it looked like he was in some real pain.”

Later, Ryan referred to the gag as “agonizing” and “excrutiating,” while Trevor Miller described it as simply “pretty damn hilarious.”

Ryan is currently undergoing “rehab” and will return by opening day as long as “no serious complications arise.”

Rick Ankiel Not Happy About Demotion to Minor Leagues

Rick Ankiel shows off some new defensive techniques he's learned while in the Royals training camp. Ankiel is confident that if he works hard with the Royals that he can regain a position on an actual Major League team.

(Kansas City, MO) In a recent interview, former Cardinals pitcher turned outfielder Rick Ankiel expressed frustration over being signed to the Minor League Kansas City Royals. Ankiel hit a rough patch in 2009 after suffering injuries related to a head-on collision with the outfield wall while making a defensive play. Ankiel split time with youngster Colby Rasmus for the remainder of the season, but never regained his hitting prowess after the incident.

“I just hope that my time in the minors in Kansas City will give me time to work out some kinks and hopefully work my way back up into the Major Leagues again,” Ankiel said in a recent interview, “I know I had an off season in 2009, but I really didn’t think it warranted a demotion to minor league Kansas City. I guess it’s nice to be a level down and just get to focus on getting better.”

Ankiel did express some confusion over the Royals 2010 schedule citing that it listed games against the Yankees, Red Sox, and Cardinals during the season.

“I think it means we’ll be playing against their minor league affiliates,” Ankiel said, “I mean, to put the Royals up against a Major League team would just be cruel. Have you seen the guys they have playing? We would get massacred!”

At press time, Ankiel could not name which Major League team that they Royals were a minor league affiliate of, and we at Fredbird Follys simply didn’t have the heart to tell him that the Royals were technically a Major League Baseball team.

“The thing that really confuses me about Kansas City is that I can’t figure out how Zach Grienke won a Cy Young playing in the minors,” Ankiel said.

“But, whatever.”

Bleacher Report Strives to Provide Balanced Coverage of Why Mark McGwire is a Disgrace to Baseball

(St. Louis, MO) Popular Baseball Blogging Site, Bleacher Report, expressed today that it will do it’s best to ensure that every side is represented in discussing why Mark McGwire is a complete disgrace to baseball and should be forever banned from the game. McGwire was the former Cardinals slugger who broke Roger Marris’ long-standing home run record during his ’98 season. In a recent interview McGwire discussed that he indeed used steroids and other performance enhancing drugs during his major league career and feverishly apologized for his actions. Bleacher Report announced that it would give fans an open forum to discuss the admission and why McGwire is such an unspeakable monster who should forever be banned from the game of baseball.

“We just want to give fans a chance to speak on both sides of the issue of how horrible McGwire is,” said Bleacher Report Administrator, Larry St.Cloud, “Fans need to be able to tell people how they feel about this news, whether that be that Mark McGwire should be simply banned forever from baseball, have his memories of ever playing the game erased, or even go as far as dragging him through Cooperstown by a steroid induced horse. Fans have reacted very differently to this story and we want to make sure that every blogger who writes on McGwire’s heinous steroid admission is given a forum to tell the world just how physically ill this news makes them.”

Bleacher Report is not simply limiting it’s coverage of McGwire tarnishing the memories of millions of fans to Cardinals bloggers. Instead, Bleacher Report is striving to let every fan in baseball tell the stories of how McGwire has forever ruined, not only baseball, but the entire season of summer and a good chunk of fall and spring.

“McGwire has destroyed America’s pastime. I just don’t think I’ll ever look at him the same way again,” said San Francisco Giant’s fan Matt LaCoy, “You would never catch one of our players sinking to such levels to excel at this game. I’m just thankful that Barry Bonds came along and reclaimed the record for steroid-free baseball players and fans everywhere.”

When asked if Bleacher Report would be posting any blogs about fans forgiving McGwire for his actions and accepting his apology for earnest, McCloud said that Bleacher Report would “Never stoop to such unthinkable, dirty publicity to attract attention from readers.”

For God’s sake,” McCloud continued, “This is journalism.”

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