Posts Tagged ‘steroids’

Bleacher Report Strives to Provide Balanced Coverage of Why Mark McGwire is a Disgrace to Baseball

January 21, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) Popular Baseball Blogging Site, Bleacher Report, expressed today that it will do it’s best to ensure that every side is represented in discussing why Mark McGwire is a complete disgrace to baseball and should be forever banned from the game. McGwire was the former Cardinals slugger who broke Roger Marris’ long-standing home run record during his ’98 season. In a recent interview McGwire discussed that he indeed used steroids and other performance enhancing drugs during his major league career and feverishly apologized for his actions. Bleacher Report announced that it would give fans an open forum to discuss the admission and why McGwire is such an unspeakable monster who should forever be banned from the game of baseball.

“We just want to give fans a chance to speak on both sides of the issue of how horrible McGwire is,” said Bleacher Report Administrator, Larry St.Cloud, “Fans need to be able to tell people how they feel about this news, whether that be that Mark McGwire should be simply banned forever from baseball, have his memories of ever playing the game erased, or even go as far as dragging him through Cooperstown by a steroid induced horse. Fans have reacted very differently to this story and we want to make sure that every blogger who writes on McGwire’s heinous steroid admission is given a forum to tell the world just how physically ill this news makes them.”

Bleacher Report is not simply limiting it’s coverage of McGwire tarnishing the memories of millions of fans to Cardinals bloggers. Instead, Bleacher Report is striving to let every fan in baseball tell the stories of how McGwire has forever ruined, not only baseball, but the entire season of summer and a good chunk of fall and spring.

“McGwire has destroyed America’s pastime. I just don’t think I’ll ever look at him the same way again,” said San Francisco Giant’s fan Matt LaCoy, “You would never catch one of our players sinking to such levels to excel at this game. I’m just thankful that Barry Bonds came along and reclaimed the record for steroid-free baseball players and fans everywhere.”

When asked if Bleacher Report would be posting any blogs about fans forgiving McGwire for his actions and accepting his apology for earnest, McCloud said that Bleacher Report would “Never stoop to such unthinkable, dirty publicity to attract attention from readers.”

For God’s sake,” McCloud continued, “This is journalism.”

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McGwire Admits To Using Steroids: Nation Not Really That Surprised

January 11, 2010

In what was a relatively-expected and generally unsurprising move today, former Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire admitted that he had used steroids during his time playing major league baseball and during his 70 home run campaign in 1998. Fans were said to be indifferent and generally accepting of the news of McGwire’s steroid use.

“Well, I kinda accepted it years ago when he was the size of a small station wagon. You mean there were actually people who thought he didn’t use steroids?” said area man Mike Ruddle, “I mean, the guy’s arms were like the size of telephone poles. Wait…you mean some people were actually really shocked that a man who hit a ball over 350 feet, 70 times in one season was stronger than a person reasonably should be?” Ruddle said.

Other fans were more appalled by McGwire’s confession. “I can’t believe it, I really can’t,” said local woman Heidi Gladharp, “To think that some people really thought he did that naturally is just disturbing. I’m embarrassed for the city of St. Louis that it actually had to be said at all. People should just know better.” When asked if she was upset at McGwire for having used steroids during his playing days, Gladharp responded, “Hell no, why would I be? I think the game would be a lot more interesting if all the players used steroids. I go to games to see really athletic people hit a ball as far as humanly possible. The games were much more interesting when McGwire was hitting a home run every other at bat. Let’s be honest, no one really wants to go to a game to watch a pitchers duel.”

Fans noted that only an admission by Barry Bonds of steroid use could have shocked them any less.

Former Cardinals' slugger Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids during his career. Fans noted that the news should not shock anyone who has ever been within 6 feet of this picture.

LaRue Admits to Using Myriad of Non-Performance Enhancing Drugs to Enhance Performance

December 10, 2009

Jason LaRue called an impromptu press conference yesterday in order to announce to the media that he routinly uses non-performance enhancing drugs such as heroin, cocaine, marijuana, speed, ecstasy, mushrooms, angel dust, PCP, methamphetamine, acid, cough syrup,  and keyboard duster spray, often all in the same game, to enhance his playing ability.

“I just..I gotta wanna get this stuff out in the open,” said LaRue during his press conference between fits of slurring and giggling, “I am who I am man, that’s, that’s just Jason being Jason.” LaRue ended the seven minute meeting with the press by releasing a loud “Woooo” and falling off the stage. It should be noted that the backup catcher did this entire conference without a shirt on and leaning on a guy he continuously referred to  as “Pinto.”

When asked about LaRue’s confession of often being “So high he didn’t know what baseball was” during games, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was quick to defend the veteran. “It was the call of the coaching staff on whether or not to play him. In the era of steroids, it was really the least of our worries if one of our guys was downing mushrooms between innings or had to do a couple lines before stepping in the batters box.” LaRussa admitted that there were times when the player’s performance was effected. “Yeah, there were definitely times when me and (pitching coach Dave) Dunc(an) would get together and have to make the call that Jason shouldn’t be breathing, let alone catching a Major League baseball game.”

Baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, said that the league would not be taking action that would taint LaRue’s legacy in baseball. “I don’t really see how it could have possibly given him an edge over the other players in the league,” said Selig, “If anything I’d say it makes his career that much more impressive. Playing baseball at a major league level is an achievement, but doing so while constantly deteriorating your motor skills, reaction time, and hallucinating throughout the entire game, well that seems damn near impossible.” Selig went on to say that all of LaRue’s career statistics will be left alone despite his confession. “Far be it from me to deny his 94 career home runs, 14 stolen bases, and lifetime .232 batting average.” When asked if this would taint his chances at entering the baseball Hall of Fame, Selig said he doubts this will have ANY effect on whether or not Jason LaRue is ever considered. “I don’t think we’ll ever be having that discussion about this player,” Selig said.

In a followup interview with LaRue, reporters questioned why the veteran found it necessary to use large amounts of methamphetamine, acid, and horse-tranquilizers before catching. “Trust me, I wouldn’t have been taking all that stuff if it didn’t improve my performance and make baseball games a lot more laid back,” said LaRue, “but when you have a guy like Jason Motte on the mound throwing 99 MPH fastballs your way, you need something to mellow you out and basically slow down time for a while. It’s really hard to see how an Adam Wainwright curve ball is moving, but when it leaves a rainbow trail behind it, well that makes things a little easier.

When asked about his comments at the earlier press conference, LaRue insists he has no recollection of any press conference happening, but says that over the last 4 days he really has “no damn clue” where he’s been or what he’s been doing.

Upon resigning Jason LaRue, the Cardinals have had to expand the player's locker to make more room for "necessary baseball equipment."