Posts Tagged ‘off season’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

Does Ownership Plan to Move the Cardinal Organization Out of St. Louis?

February 11, 2010

No, No they don’t.

Rick Ankiel Not Happy About Demotion to Minor Leagues

January 22, 2010

Rick Ankiel shows off some new defensive techniques he's learned while in the Royals training camp. Ankiel is confident that if he works hard with the Royals that he can regain a position on an actual Major League team.

(Kansas City, MO) In a recent interview, former Cardinals pitcher turned outfielder Rick Ankiel expressed frustration over being signed to the Minor League Kansas City Royals. Ankiel hit a rough patch in 2009 after suffering injuries related to a head-on collision with the outfield wall while making a defensive play. Ankiel split time with youngster Colby Rasmus for the remainder of the season, but never regained his hitting prowess after the incident.

“I just hope that my time in the minors in Kansas City will give me time to work out some kinks and hopefully work my way back up into the Major Leagues again,” Ankiel said in a recent interview, “I know I had an off season in 2009, but I really didn’t think it warranted a demotion to minor league Kansas City. I guess it’s nice to be a level down and just get to focus on getting better.”

Ankiel did express some confusion over the Royals 2010 schedule citing that it listed games against the Yankees, Red Sox, and Cardinals during the season.

“I think it means we’ll be playing against their minor league affiliates,” Ankiel said, “I mean, to put the Royals up against a Major League team would just be cruel. Have you seen the guys they have playing? We would get massacred!”

At press time, Ankiel could not name which Major League team that they Royals were a minor league affiliate of, and we at Fredbird Follys simply didn’t have the heart to tell him that the Royals were technically a Major League Baseball team.

“The thing that really confuses me about Kansas City is that I can’t figure out how Zach Grienke won a Cy Young playing in the minors,” Ankiel said.

“But, whatever.”

St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

McGwire Admits To Using Steroids: Nation Not Really That Surprised

January 11, 2010

In what was a relatively-expected and generally unsurprising move today, former Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire admitted that he had used steroids during his time playing major league baseball and during his 70 home run campaign in 1998. Fans were said to be indifferent and generally accepting of the news of McGwire’s steroid use.

“Well, I kinda accepted it years ago when he was the size of a small station wagon. You mean there were actually people who thought he didn’t use steroids?” said area man Mike Ruddle, “I mean, the guy’s arms were like the size of telephone poles. Wait…you mean some people were actually really shocked that a man who hit a ball over 350 feet, 70 times in one season was stronger than a person reasonably should be?” Ruddle said.

Other fans were more appalled by McGwire’s confession. “I can’t believe it, I really can’t,” said local woman Heidi Gladharp, “To think that some people really thought he did that naturally is just disturbing. I’m embarrassed for the city of St. Louis that it actually had to be said at all. People should just know better.” When asked if she was upset at McGwire for having used steroids during his playing days, Gladharp responded, “Hell no, why would I be? I think the game would be a lot more interesting if all the players used steroids. I go to games to see really athletic people hit a ball as far as humanly possible. The games were much more interesting when McGwire was hitting a home run every other at bat. Let’s be honest, no one really wants to go to a game to watch a pitchers duel.”

Fans noted that only an admission by Barry Bonds of steroid use could have shocked them any less.

Former Cardinals' slugger Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids during his career. Fans noted that the news should not shock anyone who has ever been within 6 feet of this picture.

Cardinals Nation Shocked As Chris Duncan’s Brother Signs With Indians

January 5, 2010

Cardinals Nation was stunned to learn that Shelley Duncan, brother of Chris Duncan and son of pitching coach Dave Duncan was signed to the Indians. Fans reportedly never knew that Chris Duncan had a brother.

Cardinals nation was rocked today as news spread that Shelley Duncan, brother of former outfielder Chris Duncan and son of Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan, signed a minor league deal with the Cleveland Indians.

“Holy Shit, Chris Duncan has a brother?” replied Cardinals fan Willie Maclavoy, “And he plays major league baseball too? Wow, that Dave must really have something in those genes.”

Fans were stunned to learn that Chris Duncan indeed had a brother, that he’s been in the big leagues as a player for the Yankees, and that he is almost as bad at baseball as his brother.

“When I saw that Duncan had signed a minor league contract with an invitation to spring training, I figured it made sense,” said local man David Rork, “Chris was really fading. But then when I saw it was Shelley Duncan, I thought that maybe they just had the name wrong or something. I just can’t believe that Dave Duncan has two sons that are both barely good enough to play major league baseball.”

Dave Duncan was weary to talk about Shelley in a recent interview, “Who told you that?” Duncan said when confronted by the media, “You can’t prove he’s my son and…Jesus Christ I thought I had this covered up years ago.”

When Cardinals fans were given the news that catcher Yadier Molina had two brothers, both in the major leagues, and both starting catchers, the most common response was that I was “full of shit.”

David Freese DWI News To Be Blown Way Out Of Proportion

December 14, 2009

In what can be called the “perfect storm” for a news-piece, the story of Cardinal 3rd baseman, David Freese, being arrested for a DWI this weekend is about to made such a huge deal that many fans will be lead to believe that this has been the biggest news of the 2009 off-season.

Many factors contributed to this news story making headlines all across St. Louis. First and foremost is the fact that there is absolutely nothing else going on with the St. Louis Cardinals right now. Most sports writers for the Cardinals are begging on the streets and writing obituaries to make ends meet this December as news runs scarce and families of bloggers and beat-writers all over Cardinal Nation go hungry. One Cardinal reporter had this to say about the incident, “Yeah I’m gonna write the shit outta this story. I’m just sad that it wasn’t more interesting and there are no details about it leaked yet. Maybe I’ll add a couple of facts to make it more interesting for readers. Throwing a dead hooker in the trunk should really spice this story up.”

Another large contributing factor is that everyone is really tired of hearing about the possibility of signing free-agent outfielder Matt Holliday. “We’ve been talking about that non-stop since like July when he first showed up,” said Cardinals blogger Daniel Shoptaw, “I just want to write about something different for once. I kinda wish it was something bigger, but we might as well crucify the kid in the media as much as we can since there’s so little going on right now. Nice of the new guy to throw us a bone at a time like this.”

The Cardinals have also had some alcohol-related trouble in the past, with pitcher Josh Hancock being killed in a collision while driving under the influence, and manager Tony LaRussa being charged with a DWI in Florida a few years back. The media is currently trying to find a way to tie all of these non-related stories together into a widespread MLB conspiracy theory or possibly a discrimination angle depending on how much “evidence” they can find to support either case.

David Freese had little to say about the incident, but has gone on record to say that, “This would be a really great time for McGwire to do his press-conference,” due to the fact that it would “really save my rookie ass right about now.”

Cardinal Rookie David Freese was arrested on Saturday for a DWI, making him the most interesting player on the Cardinals right now and the organization's whipping boy for at least a week or two. Freese will most likely be the topic of every Cardinals news-story today, including this one. Sorry Man.

Cardinals Sign Some Guy Who Isn’t Matt Holliday

December 8, 2009

The St. Louis Cardinals recently signed some guy who definately isn't this big, beautiful bastard. Although the Guy-Who-Isn't-Matt-Holliday may pitch better, he apparently lacks in every other aspect of baseball and life.

In a moment of confusion, Cardinals fans wildly celebrated a major signing by the front office during manager’s meetings yesterday. The mass excitement was soon followed by realization, disbelief, and outrage as fans slowly realized that the person they had signed was not outfielder Matt Holliday.

“At first I was totally stoked,” said Cardinal’s fan Brandon Holth, “but then I heard the newscasters repeat the name and realized that they didn’t say Matt Holliday. I thought that I misunderstood, but then I realized that the name they said wasn’t even close to Matt Holliday and that Matt probably wasn’t going to fill a hole in our starting rotation. That’s when I got an odd mixture of confused, angry, and scared all at once.” When Cardinals fans were asked about the signing of the player who is not Matt Holliday, they simply stated that they didn’t know who this Not-Matt-Holliday-Guy was and frankly didn’t care.

Reporters are admittedly having a hard time continuously reporting that the front office wants to, first and foremost, resign Matt Holliday to a contract with the club when they keep signing players who seem to completely lack being Matt Holliday.

“Usually when you say something is your top priority, you take care of that first,” said area news reporter Shawn Elman. “This is like telling your kids that your top priority is buying them a bike for Christmas, then you go out and buy a bunch of other shit and tell them that if you still have money left, then you’ll get them the bike. You might as well tell your kid that you don’t really love them, but you”ll take their opinion into consideration.” Elman then started breaking down into an erratic fit of sobbing. “Actually this is worse. This is like saying that, and then making your kid watch you buy all the shit you don’t need while they just keep saying ‘But Daddy, what about my bike? Are you forgetting about my bike?’ Well I’m not gonna be part of John Mozeliak’s twisted Christmas anymore! I’m not going to lie to the kids and I’m not gonna lie to the people of St. Louis!”

Cardinal’s General Manager John Mozeliak had a positive view on the Non-Matt-Holliday signing. “We think that he’s going to be a real positive member of the 2010 organization. Signing Matt Holliday is still our #1 priority and we look to get that taken care of right away, but we think that this other guy who happens to not be Matt Holliday will really do some great things as well.” When asked why he didn’t take care of the club’s #1 priority before signing away almost 1/3 of the club’s available payroll this off-season, Mozeliak was quick to correct himself, “I mean that signing Matt Holliday is our top priority now. Like, now that we have this guy and Jason LaRue and a minor leaguer squared away, Matt is our priority #1 and I’m pretty sure that I made it clear at the beginning of the off-season that our priorities were: #1 Backup catcher, #2 Minor leaguer, #3 This dude and #4 Matt Holliday. I’m almost positive I laid that out from day one.”

The new player (who please keep in mind is not Matt Holliday) will be introduced at a press conference later this week, pending a physical. Busch Stadium grounds crew were already busy hanging a banner for his arrival which read: “Welcome Back Matt Holliday Brad Penny!”

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Jason LaRue Rumored to Return in 2010

November 30, 2009

Since Jason LaRue cannot be photographed directly without the photographer bursting into flames, this picture is a close to the awesomeness of Jason LaRue as the internet can provide. Still, nowhere close.

Rumors flew in Cardinal Nation today as back-up catcher and full-time bad-ass Jason LaRue, signed a contract for 2010. This means that the Cardinals can cross off their #1 priority (Signing a player that can make women faint with pleasure and men cry tears of joy) this off-season. While they know that a contract is only semi-binding, LaRue will likely grace Busch Stadium with his unadulterated awesomeness in 2010.

“The man’s a free spirit, and that’s something you gotta respect when working with Jason LaRue,” said Cardinals’ GM John Mozeliak, “We hope that Jason will choose to catch a few innings in 2010, but it’s really up to him. Jason LaRue plays baseball where he wants, when he wants.”

The Cardinals’ pitching staff was very optimistic about the upcoming season upon hearing the news of LaRue’s return. “Oh Hell Yeah!” exclaimed starting pitcher Adam Wainwright, “That was the key to our staff’s success last year. Yadi caught most of the games, but knowing that if he wasn’t doing the job you had pure machismo with a catcher’s glove waiting in the wings? Well that would make anybody pitch a lot better.”

We were actually granted audience with the baseball great for a short interview after declared that he would add playing Major League Baseball to his extensive list of plans for next season. The interview can be found below:

Q: What made you decide to sign with the Cardinals for 2010?

A: It was a long decision. I took some time off, traveled around the world, was adviser to the pope and Dali Lama for a while, re-watched all my old VHS tapes of Happy Days and thought about my career as a whole. In the end, I decided the sport wouldn’t be near as kick-ass without yours truly, so I decided to come back. Man, that was one hell of a day.

Q: Wow, all of that in one day. What did you do with the rest of your off-season so far?

A: Went deer hunting.

Q: Any success?

A: Mild success. Got 26 deer overall. Killed 8 with my bare hands, 3 with my mustache, 6 by rocking out on my electric guitar, one I landed on jumping out of my tree stand, and the other 8 I killed by practicing my throw down to second, and two of those were with one throw.

Q: How would you describe yourself as a baseball player?

A: I’d say that I’m a mixture of a lion, St. Bernard (the actual Saint, not the dog), and a rattlesnake riding a hippopotamus with Pegasus wings. I mean, you mix those things together and add a catcher’s mask? Bam, classic LaRue.

Q: You’ve kept the handlebar mustache look for sometime now. Besides exuding pure awesomeness, is there a reason for the look?

A: Well…haha…I keep it because when I’m with the ladies (The rest of this quote was so graphic and vulgar that I couldn’t write it under penalty of law)

Q: Any final words for Cardinal Nation?

A: Better dust off that copy of Hank Jr’s “A Country Boy Can Survive,” I’ll be rocking and walking out to that puppy all season long, LaRue style. Oh, that and you’re welcome.

Jason LaRue ended the interview by flashing a “Rock On” hand gesture before mounting a black fire-breathing dragon and flying off into the sunset, his mane of golden hair and luxurious handlebar mustache waving in the wind. What was more impressive was that this happened at 1:30 in the afternoon, which led many to suspect that LaRue had caused the sun to set early on that day, just for the effect of flying off into it.

Busch Stadium is celebrating this glorious day by blasting classic rock from the grounds. If you listen closely, I think you can distantly make out Boston’s “More Than A Feeling.”

Washington Nationals Offer to Trade Entire 40-Man Roster, Farm System and Ballpark for Albert Pujols

November 11, 2009
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The Washingotn Nationals spoke with Cardinals management about trading their entire Major League Baseball Team after assuring management that they were a Major League Baseball Team

The Washington Nationals made it clear that they are looking for a franchise player this off-season after a disappointing 58-103 finish. The Nationals seem to be making a serious effort at an improved record in 2010 as they recently approached St. Louis GM John Mozeliak to trade for 8-time all-star, Albert Pujols.

When Nationals GM Mike Rizzo entered into trade negotiations with Mozeliak during meetings this November about attaining the 2-time NL MVP, there seemed to be little chance at striking a serious deal. “Signing Albert Pujols to a long-term contract to stay in St. Louis is one of our top priorities this off-season,” said Cards GM Mozeliak, “Any talks of trading him at this point seem entirely out of the question.”

Nationals GM Rizzo started by offering the entire Washington infield for Pujols. When that was largley laughed off, Rizzo upped the deal by including the rest of the Nationals’ 40-Man active roster. “We felt that was a pretty fair deal,” said Rizzo, “I mean that includes Ryan Zimmerman and he just won another gold glove this year. Plus we have…well…definately some other guys on there that are decent.”

Noting the Cardinal’s recently depleted farm system after trades for Mark Derosa and Matt Holliday, Rizzo eventually threw in the entire Washington National’s farm system, including all players in their AAA New Orleans club, AA Harrisburg, both single A clubs, their short A team in Vermont and both Rookie teams. “We know that would leave us short handed in the future,” noted Rizzo, “but we feel Albert Pujols is an amazing player and one that we can not only build a franchise around, but can actually be a complete franchise by himself.”

In a final, last ditch effort to acquire Pujols, Rizzo offered Nationals Stadium with the previous deal, but assured Mozeliak that was his final offer. “Yeah, that was a tough package to turn down. I mean, we’d essentially have two major league baseball franchises, but this is Albert Pujols we’re talking about and…well it’s the Washington Nationals so I’m not really sure we would really benefit from having the players, but the stadium would have definitely been a nice practice facility,” said Mozeliak

Pujols was relieved when he discovered that trade talks with the Nationals had largely fallen through. “I have made it very clear that I love this city and would like to stay here,” Pujols said. “As much as I would have enjoyed being the Washington Nationals, I think it’s best I stay here where my family is comfortable, my charities are thriving, and I actually have a team to play on.”

Reportedly John Mozeliak is  entertaining the proposition to trade pitcher Kyle Lohse for Washington’s  starting rotation and bullpen.