Posts Tagged ‘larussa’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

Cardinals Players Believe Brendan Ryan “Wrist Injury” Just A Practical Joke

March 5, 2010

Brendan Ryan makes a spectacular diving play for a ball to the hilarity of his teammates. What this photo fails to show is that the ball was simply sitting on the ground.

(Jupiter FL) Teammates and Front Office personnel told reporters today that they believe long time Cardinal’s jokester and shortstop Brendan Ryan’s “wrist injury” that’s been plaguing him for years is simply “One big elaborate practical joke.” The “wrist injury” has kept him out of training so far this spring and is expected to keep him “day-to-day” until he reveals the gag around the first game of the season.

“This is a pretty good one,” said Ryan’s teammate Adam Wainwright, “I mean he’s pulled some stuff before; the mustache, the over-sized batting helmet, but man, to fake a serious injury for years just to get out of one spring training. Well, that’s just classic Boog.”

Ryan was said to have gone to such lengths as complaining about the “ailing” wrist for a few seasons, enduring what can only be seen as unnecessary cortisone shots as “treatment” and in the past few weeks has taken the joke as far as having unnecessary surgery just to throw people off of his trail. Team doctors said that it would take about 4-8 weeks to “recover” from the gag.

Ryan’s exploits have led his teammates to get in on the fun this spring and has lead to an overall positive attitude in the clubhouse and a welcoming atmosphere for players new to Spring Training. A few of the current starters especially had some fun with 2009 Draft pick Shelby Miller.

“I told him that Branden’s ‘injury’ was fake and that he would think it was hilarious if Shelby went up and just punched him in the wrist,” said Cardinal’s relief pitcher Trevor Miller, “You should have seen the look on Brendan and Shelby’s faces when he actually did it. I mean Shelby looked horrified and Brendan was laughing so hard it looked like he was in some real pain.”

Later, Ryan referred to the gag as “agonizing” and “excrutiating,” while Trevor Miller described it as simply “pretty damn hilarious.”

Ryan is currently undergoing “rehab” and will return by opening day as long as “no serious complications arise.”

St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

Cardinals Interested In Closer That Doesn’t Look Like Mr. Tumnus the Fawn

January 13, 2010

The Cardinals search for a new closer while Ryan Franklin is off filming "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" during the 2010 season

The St. Louis Cardinals showed interest in free-agent closer Jose Valverde today in hopes of adding a more consistent, less mythical-looking closer to the 2010 lineup. Franklin had an excellent season in 2009, converting 38 of 44 save opportunities and posting a 1.92 ERA over 61 innings. The closer fell apart in September though, going 0-4 in his last appearances. Cardinals pitching coaches noted that Franklin seemed much more tense as winter approached, noting that it “brings up bad memories.”

“I got a lot of grief over that last month,” said Franklin, “I felt the impeding cold coming on and I began to freeze up. I have horrible memories of the cold, and I’ll admit that during my last few performances it started to feel like it was always winter and never Christmas. It’s a lot of pressure for us players to handle and most sons of Adam and daughters of Eve simply don’t understand that.” Franklin spoke openly about his troubles over a small serving of tea and cakes however, our interview was cut short because Franklin said that he had some parcels that he “simply must deliver.”

Cardinals management are hoping to go another direction with the closer position in 2010 and have shown interest in free-agent Jose Valverde, who doesn’t resemble a mythical creature of any kind. “Ryan was a great pitcher and all, but he just brought a lot of complications to the club,” said manager Tony LaRussa., “It was very hard for our uniform staff to find pants to fit over his unusually hairy and muscular legs, and trying to find cleats that fit over hooves, well that’s just another challenge in general. I’m just thankful that his horns never showed through his cap, the constant media criticism that we employ steroid users is bad enough without them accusing us of employing satin himself.”

Franklin also had his share of trouble in the bullpen as his fife playing and constant frolicking was deemed distracting by many of his teammates. It was also noted that many of the Christians on the team took offense to him praising a mythical creature known as “Aslan” after each successful outing.

Brendan Ryan was also warned he would receive a fine if he began to look any more like Super Mario.

A Decade Later: Tony LaRussa Still Can’t Believe Fernando Tatis Hit Two Grand-Slams In One F@*#ing Inning

December 17, 2009

When asked to reflect on the past decade with the Cardinals, Manager Tony LaRussa had many positive things to say about the organization including the retooling of a pitching staff, the emergance of the greatest hitter in baseball, the World Series win in 2006, and, of course, that game that Fernando Tatis hit two grand-slams in one f@*#ing inning.

“It’s been a great decade,” said LaRussa, “I was finally able to lead the club to a World Series victory, we have emerged as one of the most dominant teams in the National League, we hosted the All-Star festivities, and our front office has shown a constant commitment to winning at the highest level.” LaRussa then rocked back in his chair before saying, “And who can forget that it was only 10 years ago when Fernando Tatis hit those two grand-slams in the same f@*#ing inning.”

Tatis’ feat was a major highlight in the 1999 season for the Cardinals when they went 75-86 and finished 4th in the NL Central. “I really think we peaked too early on that April 23rd day in Los Angeles,” said LaRussa of the 1999 season. “But man, totally worth it. When Tatis walked up to the plate in the 3rd inning, down by 2 runs with the bases loaded, he was probably just hoping for a base-hit to tie the game. That guy had never hit a grand-slam in his life, but little did he know that was all about to change. He hit that ball out and then just 8 batters later, he did it again. By the time that inning was over, he’d become the first man in baseball history to hit 2 grand-slams in one f@*#ing inning,” LaRussa lamented, wiping a single tear from his eye.

LaRussa commented on a myriad of other events of the past decade, such as when the Dodgers gave Fernando Tatis a standing ovation after he hit two grand-slams in one f@*#ing inning on April 23rd 1999, and the look on Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire’s face after Fernando f@*#ing Tatis of all people, hit two grand-slams in just one f@*#ing inning.

The Dodger’s pitcher, Chan Ho Park, who gave up, not one, but two grand-slams to the same f@*#ing player in the same f@*#ing inning was unable to be questioned about the event.

“It’s best for him to block that out of his memory,” said Park’s psychiatrist, Steve Gipson, “It was a pretty traumatic time in his life. It took a lot of treatment for him to start forgetting that day, recover from the severe depression that 3rd inning caused him, and put the bottle down. He’s finally starting to forget.”

“But man,” Gipson continued, “No one else is gonna forget that one. Two grand-slams in one f@*#ing inning.”

Former Cardinal, Fernando Tatis' MLB career will go down in history as being defined by one thing. Actually, by two things in one f@*#ing inning.

LaRue Admits to Using Myriad of Non-Performance Enhancing Drugs to Enhance Performance

December 10, 2009

Jason LaRue called an impromptu press conference yesterday in order to announce to the media that he routinly uses non-performance enhancing drugs such as heroin, cocaine, marijuana, speed, ecstasy, mushrooms, angel dust, PCP, methamphetamine, acid, cough syrup,  and keyboard duster spray, often all in the same game, to enhance his playing ability.

“I just..I gotta wanna get this stuff out in the open,” said LaRue during his press conference between fits of slurring and giggling, “I am who I am man, that’s, that’s just Jason being Jason.” LaRue ended the seven minute meeting with the press by releasing a loud “Woooo” and falling off the stage. It should be noted that the backup catcher did this entire conference without a shirt on and leaning on a guy he continuously referred to  as “Pinto.”

When asked about LaRue’s confession of often being “So high he didn’t know what baseball was” during games, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was quick to defend the veteran. “It was the call of the coaching staff on whether or not to play him. In the era of steroids, it was really the least of our worries if one of our guys was downing mushrooms between innings or had to do a couple lines before stepping in the batters box.” LaRussa admitted that there were times when the player’s performance was effected. “Yeah, there were definitely times when me and (pitching coach Dave) Dunc(an) would get together and have to make the call that Jason shouldn’t be breathing, let alone catching a Major League baseball game.”

Baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, said that the league would not be taking action that would taint LaRue’s legacy in baseball. “I don’t really see how it could have possibly given him an edge over the other players in the league,” said Selig, “If anything I’d say it makes his career that much more impressive. Playing baseball at a major league level is an achievement, but doing so while constantly deteriorating your motor skills, reaction time, and hallucinating throughout the entire game, well that seems damn near impossible.” Selig went on to say that all of LaRue’s career statistics will be left alone despite his confession. “Far be it from me to deny his 94 career home runs, 14 stolen bases, and lifetime .232 batting average.” When asked if this would taint his chances at entering the baseball Hall of Fame, Selig said he doubts this will have ANY effect on whether or not Jason LaRue is ever considered. “I don’t think we’ll ever be having that discussion about this player,” Selig said.

In a followup interview with LaRue, reporters questioned why the veteran found it necessary to use large amounts of methamphetamine, acid, and horse-tranquilizers before catching. “Trust me, I wouldn’t have been taking all that stuff if it didn’t improve my performance and make baseball games a lot more laid back,” said LaRue, “but when you have a guy like Jason Motte on the mound throwing 99 MPH fastballs your way, you need something to mellow you out and basically slow down time for a while. It’s really hard to see how an Adam Wainwright curve ball is moving, but when it leaves a rainbow trail behind it, well that makes things a little easier.

When asked about his comments at the earlier press conference, LaRue insists he has no recollection of any press conference happening, but says that over the last 4 days he really has “no damn clue” where he’s been or what he’s been doing.

Upon resigning Jason LaRue, the Cardinals have had to expand the player's locker to make more room for "necessary baseball equipment."

Cardinals planning to move to a 5 infield, 2 outfield alignment in 2010

November 19, 2009

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa spoke briefly today about a shift in the defensive alignment that the club will enact in 2010. In light of struggling negotiations for a left field option, they will instead opt to play Colby Ramus in left-center,  Ryan Ludwick in right-center, and 5 positions on the infield.

“We feel it’s a good call,” said Tony LaRussa of the unprecedented move in the defensive alignment, “We’re very confident in the defensive abilities of both Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus so we think we can get by with just those two out there. Skip has adjusted so well to 2nd base that we’d hate to switch him again, Brendan Ryan has been solid at shortstop, Julio Lugo has proven to be a valuable member of this club, Albert is a Gold Glover, and David Freese…well that kid is really trying, so we feel really good about those five as our infield.” The Cardinals have already drawn up what the new defense will look like. It primarily consists of a regular infield with Julio Lugo standing directly behind David Freese.

“We were originally a little concerned about Freese’s defense at 3rd, but we really think this will alleviate our worries,” said LaRussa, “We want to give David a chance to prove himself and this will take a lot of the pressure off of him since he won’t have to worry about making defensive stops all the time. This way if he catches the ball that’s great, but if not, Lugo will be there to ensure that we don’t suffer on defense. We also know that anything remotely to his left will be taken care of by Brendan Ryan.”

When asked about the shift to only 2 outfielders, LaRussa said there was a great deal of reasoning behind the decision. “We have great ground-ball pitchers with the exception of Waino who’s a strikeout kinda guy, so we figure everything hit should mostly stay in the infield. If someone does hit a fly ball, the organization is confident in the defensive abilities of Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus.” LaRussa went on to say that this alignment was only a trial run and if Ludwick couldn’t cover the entirety of his zone, the defensive responsibilities of both left and center-field would be moved to Rasmus. When asked if he thought the 2009 rookie could handle the responsibility, LaRussa was confident. “That kid is ridiculously fast, so yeah I think he can handle it. I mean, we don’t have a lot of other options.” When questioned about simply finding a replacement for Matt Holliday in left, LaRussa scoffed, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”

Julio Lugo was excited about the possibility of redefining his role with the club. “It’s an honor to be given an everyday position. I was originally concerned when I was told I would be playing 3rd base behind David Freese, because I was not particularly excited about being the #2 man to a rookie, but when I learned I would literally be playing 3rd base standing behind David Freese, that really changed the situation.” Lugo will be labeled as the team’s 3rd basemen in the 2010 season and David Freese will be the “Associate 3rd basemen” for the Cardinals.

John Mozeliak adamantly defended the move to give Freese a shot at a  full-time “3rd basemenish” role, “Look right now, he’s the cheapest… I mean, “best” option we have and this allows us to consolidate our monetary resources as much as possible.” When asked about the current financial situation of the organization, Mozeliak simply pointed to an oil drum full of cash next to his desk labeled “Matt Holliday please, for the love of God, come back to St. Louis fund”

The Cardinals are still working on Freese’s approach at the plate and are trying to refine a better system than hitting coach Mark McGwire yelling “SWING” from the dugout whenever he identifies a pitch for the rookie to hit.

Tony LaRussa was a staunch defender of his managerial move, “Everybody laughed when I hit my pitchers 8th to give Albert more at bats and look at how that worked out,” LaRussa later added, “4-time NL Manager of the Year bitches!”

The Cardinals are eager to try out their new defensive alignment in 2010. When asked if this move showed a lack of confidence in Rookie David Freese, Tony LaRussa responded, "What would give you that idea?" before snickering to himself and walking away.

Adam Wainwright Eager to Try Out His New Gold Glove in 2010

November 13, 2009
284485
Adam Wainwright says he instends to wear his Rawlings Gold Glove award during games next year. “By God, if someone gives you a gift for doing a good job, you use it. That’s just common courtesy.”

Starting pitcher Adam Wainwright started his 2009 award season by being honored along with teammate Yadier Molina as a Rawlings Gold Glove recipient. This is the first time that Wainwright has received the Gold Glove and team officials are concerned with his perception of the award.

“He really thinks he’s actually supposed to use it on a regular basis,” said Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa,”I mean, when he walks out to the mound in 2010, he wants to be wearing the damn thing.” Management is still trying to decide if this will go against their “no-showboating” policy.

Wainwright was very adamant about wearing award next season. “Yeah, I plan to wear it every game. The way I see it, they wouldn’t make the award an actual glove if they didn’t want players to wear it,” Wainwright said after removing the award from it’s stand, “I still don’t know why Albert doesn’t hit with his Silver Slugger bats. I know I would.”

“It will really be an intimidation thing,” said Wainwright, “If a batter wants to hit a liner back at me, so be it. I hope he thinks about it, looks and sees me wearing the Gold Glove, and then thinks ‘Oh man, probably not a good idea after all.'” Wainwright also showed disappointment that other Gold Glove winners did not display their awards as prominently. “If I pitched a ball outside so Yadi could throw down to Albert and pick off a guy taking a big lead at first, and we were all wearing our Gold Gloves? Man, that would be awesome, and you know the guy we picked off would just look at all of them and think ‘Wow, I should have known.'”

Wainwright was also asked about his chances in the Cy Young race. “I think it would be great to win one and all, but the award doesn’t seem to be really functional. What am I going to do with a trophy? I’d much rather have the Gold Glove so I can wear it every game and remind the opposing team how awesome I am.”

“I guess I could put the Cy Young trophy next to the mound when I pitch,” Wainwright continued. “I mean, it would have the same effect. I couldn’t use it in any way, but it would still make batters think twice when they stepped up to the plate. I just want Ryan Howard to step in the batters box, do his ‘stick out the bat routine’ and then see the Cy Young sitting there and think ‘Oh shit, this guy is serious'”

When asked if seeing a pitcher’s Cy Young sitting on the mound would have any effect on his approach at the plate, Cardinal’s slugger Ryan Ludwick responded, “Yeah, I figure any guy who’s enough of a wackjob to set up their awards out on the mound when they’re pitching is definitely unstable enough to throw inside at you and not think twice. I just don’t think anyone’s THAT crazy.” Ludwick then paused before responding, “Oh God, you’re talking about Waino aren’t you?”

Upon hearing about Wainwright’s approach, Albert Pujols has begun plans to construct a trophy case along the first base line.

Fredbird Agent Scott Boras to Test Open Market

November 12, 2009
ar12253122908258

Fredbird recently held a press conference to declare his free agency. Fredbird routinely appears between innings and calls himself "The real starting pitcher" of most games due to assisting with first pitch ceremonies.

After a successful 30 year career with the St. Louis Cardinals, mascot Fredbird will be placed on the open market after the 2 week exclusive bidding period the Cardinals have to renegotiate a contract. Fredbird filed for free agency Tuesday after his current contract expired following the 2009 season. Although Fredbird said he was happy with his role with the NL Central champions, his agent, Scott Boras, said that it is only fair to test the waters with his client.

“Fredbird has really enjoyed being part of a winning franchise such as the Cardinals, but I think he may be ready for a change and honestly a lot of teams are looking for a talent like Fredbird,” said Boras, “I mean you have the Toronto Blue Jays, Pittsburgh Pirates, Washington Nationals  and the Baltimore Orioles. There is just a lot of need for avian mascot talent out there and I believe I represent the best in the business.”

Cardinal’s manager Tony LaRussa was optimistic about reaching a deal with the 30 time Cardinal mascot of the year. “I think he’s happy here, we built a nice team around him in Team Fredbird and I’m confident we’ll be able to reach a deal with him to return to the Cardinals in 2010.” LaRussa said. “I believe we would have looked into a contract extension sooner had we know that he was approaching free agency. Actually I don’t think any of us knew he was actually on contract, we just assumed he was here for the long haul since, well, he’s a cardinal and I’m pretty sure that jersey is sewn into his skin.”

Cardinal’s GM John Mozeliak was more open to a new face for the organization. “It’s not our top priority right now. We appreciate everything that Fredbird has done for the organization, but we also know that Scott Boras has a history of driving clients beyond our price range,” Mozeliak said. “Of course we need a mascot, but depending on what kind of money Fredbird is looking for, there are definitely other options.” When pressed on who the GM had in mind to fill Fredbird’s over-sized foam shoes, Mozeliak tipped his hand that he had already given this some consideration. “We know that the Pirate Parrot from Pittsburgh was very frustrated with his team’s performance last year. He said that overall jubilation was even  lower than expected in  the tough economy and citing that their wave statistics simply were extremely poor when compared to others in the league.”

He also mentioned some in-house options for the role, noting that Louie in AA Springfield has been doing some really great things. “That dugout slide? Genius!” said Mozeliak.

Boras was very hopeful for his clients results in free agency. “The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are currently without a mascot and Fredbird is fairly certain he could pull off that gig with a halo and possibly a harp. Also, we’d like to hear bids from the Dodgers regarding Fredbird’s abilities.”

The New York Yankees have been very interested in Fredbid on the free market. Having recently come off a World Series victory, they are looking at filling the one hole in their squad; the lack of a mascot.

“Sadly, they could definitely drive Fredbird out of our price range,” admitted Mozeliak. Currently the Cardinals are looking at a 30,000 – 40,000  a year contract, but the Yankees could apparently offer up to 55,000 to a mascot talent such as Fredbird. “But hey, that’s Steinbrenner money,” said Mozeliak.

Questions on whether Fredbird would entertain a move to the mascotless Chicago Cubs definitely ruffled some feathers during the press conference.

Boras says that Fredbird is also considering a change of venue and entertaining bids from the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.

As Hope of Retaining Matt Holiday Fades, Cardinals Sign So Taguchi to Appease Fans

November 10, 2009
_42254630_so300_300

After being re-signed to the St. Louis Cardinals, outfielder So Taguchi reveals that he kept all of his Cardinal gear and routinly wears it on off days.

In a surprise move today, Cardinal’s general manager John Mozeliak announced that the Cardinals have picked up outfielder So Taguchi as negotiations to attain Matt Holliday continue to look grim.

“Taguchi is a great addition to the team. The fans just love that guy and we figured that maybe this would take some focus off the club as Matt Holliday get’s signed to a team that can afford his salary,” said Mozeliak of the unexpected signing. “He’s just a big moral booster, I figure he can jog out and play left field in the 8th or 9th inning, maybe pitch hit once in a while and on off days he can run around up on the dugout with Fredbird and the girls. The fans just seem to go crazy about him.” When asked about a serious replacement option in left field, Mozeliak had no comment.

“I’m very excited about returning to the Cardinals, the fans are just amazing.” Taguchi said through a translator yesterday, “these are the kind of fans who really don’t care if you only bat six times in a season, they just remember that I played here once in a while in ’06 when we won the World Series and that I seemed to always come up with the game on the line and hit a home run. That’s what these fans need, not necessarily a consistent hitter or a ‘good player,’ but one that leaves them wondering ‘how the hell did he pull that off?’ every month or so.”

When asked if he missed playing for the redbirds, Taguchi responded, “Of course. Every time I came to St. Louis with the Phillies or the Cubs the fans would always welcome me back very warmly. I was thrilled at the standing ovations I received. I’m pretty sure that some of the fans in Philadelphia and Chicago didn’t even know who I was. In fact, I’m not sure all of the players knew who I was.” Coaches said that Taguchi would routinely show up to team meetings and practices in Cardinals team gear. Rumor was that Taguchi would be unapologetic when confronted about wear Cardinals T-shirts under his jersey while playing for the Phillies. Taguchi would also reportedly yell the he wanted to “go home” every time he was corrected during practice in Chicago or Philadelphia.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was pleased with the decision to bring on Taguchi. “That kid’s like a little good luck charm, not necessarily good for anything in particular, but having him on your team just makes you feel better about your odds.” LaRussa referred to the ’08 World Champion Phillies saying, “He only appeared in like 80 games for them that season, but they took home a ring, and that’s really all that matters.” When told that the “kid” he was referring to had recently hit his 40th birthday, LaRussa responded “Damn, that guy looks like he’s 17.”

Cardinal’s ace Chris Carpenter was not as excited about the acquisition. “I won a Cy Young, carried our staff to the World Series in 2006 and made the most impressive comeback that anyone has seen in years, but you still see more ‘Taguchi’ jerseys in Busch Stadium than ‘Carpenter.’ I’d just like to remind these fans that he hasn’t even played here in like 3 years.” When asked if he thought Taguchi could somehow help bring the championship back to St. Louis, Carpenter threw his hands up before saying “Probably, somehow that guy has 2 World Series rings which is more than I can say. I’m still not sure how the hell he pulled that off.”