Archive for January, 2010

Rick Ankiel Not Happy About Demotion to Minor Leagues

January 22, 2010

Rick Ankiel shows off some new defensive techniques he's learned while in the Royals training camp. Ankiel is confident that if he works hard with the Royals that he can regain a position on an actual Major League team.

(Kansas City, MO) In a recent interview, former Cardinals pitcher turned outfielder Rick Ankiel expressed frustration over being signed to the Minor League Kansas City Royals. Ankiel hit a rough patch in 2009 after suffering injuries related to a head-on collision with the outfield wall while making a defensive play. Ankiel split time with youngster Colby Rasmus for the remainder of the season, but never regained his hitting prowess after the incident.

“I just hope that my time in the minors in Kansas City will give me time to work out some kinks and hopefully work my way back up into the Major Leagues again,” Ankiel said in a recent interview, “I know I had an off season in 2009, but I really didn’t think it warranted a demotion to minor league Kansas City. I guess it’s nice to be a level down and just get to focus on getting better.”

Ankiel did express some confusion over the Royals 2010 schedule citing that it listed games against the Yankees, Red Sox, and Cardinals during the season.

“I think it means we’ll be playing against their minor league affiliates,” Ankiel said, “I mean, to put the Royals up against a Major League team would just be cruel. Have you seen the guys they have playing? We would get massacred!”

At press time, Ankiel could not name which Major League team that they Royals were a minor league affiliate of, and we at Fredbird Follys simply didn’t have the heart to tell him that the Royals were technically a Major League Baseball team.

“The thing that really confuses me about Kansas City is that I can’t figure out how Zach Grienke won a Cy Young playing in the minors,” Ankiel said.

“But, whatever.”

Bleacher Report Strives to Provide Balanced Coverage of Why Mark McGwire is a Disgrace to Baseball

January 21, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) Popular Baseball Blogging Site, Bleacher Report, expressed today that it will do it’s best to ensure that every side is represented in discussing why Mark McGwire is a complete disgrace to baseball and should be forever banned from the game. McGwire was the former Cardinals slugger who broke Roger Marris’ long-standing home run record during his ’98 season. In a recent interview McGwire discussed that he indeed used steroids and other performance enhancing drugs during his major league career and feverishly apologized for his actions. Bleacher Report announced that it would give fans an open forum to discuss the admission and why McGwire is such an unspeakable monster who should forever be banned from the game of baseball.

“We just want to give fans a chance to speak on both sides of the issue of how horrible McGwire is,” said Bleacher Report Administrator, Larry St.Cloud, “Fans need to be able to tell people how they feel about this news, whether that be that Mark McGwire should be simply banned forever from baseball, have his memories of ever playing the game erased, or even go as far as dragging him through Cooperstown by a steroid induced horse. Fans have reacted very differently to this story and we want to make sure that every blogger who writes on McGwire’s heinous steroid admission is given a forum to tell the world just how physically ill this news makes them.”

Bleacher Report is not simply limiting it’s coverage of McGwire tarnishing the memories of millions of fans to Cardinals bloggers. Instead, Bleacher Report is striving to let every fan in baseball tell the stories of how McGwire has forever ruined, not only baseball, but the entire season of summer and a good chunk of fall and spring.

“McGwire has destroyed America’s pastime. I just don’t think I’ll ever look at him the same way again,” said San Francisco Giant’s fan Matt LaCoy, “You would never catch one of our players sinking to such levels to excel at this game. I’m just thankful that Barry Bonds came along and reclaimed the record for steroid-free baseball players and fans everywhere.”

When asked if Bleacher Report would be posting any blogs about fans forgiving McGwire for his actions and accepting his apology for earnest, McCloud said that Bleacher Report would “Never stoop to such unthinkable, dirty publicity to attract attention from readers.”

For God’s sake,” McCloud continued, “This is journalism.”

St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

St. Louis Locker Room Hosts Every African-American Cardinal Player to Celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day

January 18, 2010

Well...This is Awkward

Cardinals Interested In Closer That Doesn’t Look Like Mr. Tumnus the Fawn

January 13, 2010

The Cardinals search for a new closer while Ryan Franklin is off filming "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" during the 2010 season

The St. Louis Cardinals showed interest in free-agent closer Jose Valverde today in hopes of adding a more consistent, less mythical-looking closer to the 2010 lineup. Franklin had an excellent season in 2009, converting 38 of 44 save opportunities and posting a 1.92 ERA over 61 innings. The closer fell apart in September though, going 0-4 in his last appearances. Cardinals pitching coaches noted that Franklin seemed much more tense as winter approached, noting that it “brings up bad memories.”

“I got a lot of grief over that last month,” said Franklin, “I felt the impeding cold coming on and I began to freeze up. I have horrible memories of the cold, and I’ll admit that during my last few performances it started to feel like it was always winter and never Christmas. It’s a lot of pressure for us players to handle and most sons of Adam and daughters of Eve simply don’t understand that.” Franklin spoke openly about his troubles over a small serving of tea and cakes however, our interview was cut short because Franklin said that he had some parcels that he “simply must deliver.”

Cardinals management are hoping to go another direction with the closer position in 2010 and have shown interest in free-agent Jose Valverde, who doesn’t resemble a mythical creature of any kind. “Ryan was a great pitcher and all, but he just brought a lot of complications to the club,” said manager Tony LaRussa., “It was very hard for our uniform staff to find pants to fit over his unusually hairy and muscular legs, and trying to find cleats that fit over hooves, well that’s just another challenge in general. I’m just thankful that his horns never showed through his cap, the constant media criticism that we employ steroid users is bad enough without them accusing us of employing satin himself.”

Franklin also had his share of trouble in the bullpen as his fife playing and constant frolicking was deemed distracting by many of his teammates. It was also noted that many of the Christians on the team took offense to him praising a mythical creature known as “Aslan” after each successful outing.

Brendan Ryan was also warned he would receive a fine if he began to look any more like Super Mario.

McGwire Admits To Using Steroids: Nation Not Really That Surprised

January 11, 2010

In what was a relatively-expected and generally unsurprising move today, former Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire admitted that he had used steroids during his time playing major league baseball and during his 70 home run campaign in 1998. Fans were said to be indifferent and generally accepting of the news of McGwire’s steroid use.

“Well, I kinda accepted it years ago when he was the size of a small station wagon. You mean there were actually people who thought he didn’t use steroids?” said area man Mike Ruddle, “I mean, the guy’s arms were like the size of telephone poles. Wait…you mean some people were actually really shocked that a man who hit a ball over 350 feet, 70 times in one season was stronger than a person reasonably should be?” Ruddle said.

Other fans were more appalled by McGwire’s confession. “I can’t believe it, I really can’t,” said local woman Heidi Gladharp, “To think that some people really thought he did that naturally is just disturbing. I’m embarrassed for the city of St. Louis that it actually had to be said at all. People should just know better.” When asked if she was upset at McGwire for having used steroids during his playing days, Gladharp responded, “Hell no, why would I be? I think the game would be a lot more interesting if all the players used steroids. I go to games to see really athletic people hit a ball as far as humanly possible. The games were much more interesting when McGwire was hitting a home run every other at bat. Let’s be honest, no one really wants to go to a game to watch a pitchers duel.”

Fans noted that only an admission by Barry Bonds of steroid use could have shocked them any less.

Former Cardinals' slugger Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids during his career. Fans noted that the news should not shock anyone who has ever been within 6 feet of this picture.

Cardinals Nation Shocked As Chris Duncan’s Brother Signs With Indians

January 5, 2010

Cardinals Nation was stunned to learn that Shelley Duncan, brother of Chris Duncan and son of pitching coach Dave Duncan was signed to the Indians. Fans reportedly never knew that Chris Duncan had a brother.

Cardinals nation was rocked today as news spread that Shelley Duncan, brother of former outfielder Chris Duncan and son of Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan, signed a minor league deal with the Cleveland Indians.

“Holy Shit, Chris Duncan has a brother?” replied Cardinals fan Willie Maclavoy, “And he plays major league baseball too? Wow, that Dave must really have something in those genes.”

Fans were stunned to learn that Chris Duncan indeed had a brother, that he’s been in the big leagues as a player for the Yankees, and that he is almost as bad at baseball as his brother.

“When I saw that Duncan had signed a minor league contract with an invitation to spring training, I figured it made sense,” said local man David Rork, “Chris was really fading. But then when I saw it was Shelley Duncan, I thought that maybe they just had the name wrong or something. I just can’t believe that Dave Duncan has two sons that are both barely good enough to play major league baseball.”

Dave Duncan was weary to talk about Shelley in a recent interview, “Who told you that?” Duncan said when confronted by the media, “You can’t prove he’s my son and…Jesus Christ I thought I had this covered up years ago.”

When Cardinals fans were given the news that catcher Yadier Molina had two brothers, both in the major leagues, and both starting catchers, the most common response was that I was “full of shit.”