Archive for November, 2009

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Jason LaRue Rumored to Return in 2010

November 30, 2009

Since Jason LaRue cannot be photographed directly without the photographer bursting into flames, this picture is a close to the awesomeness of Jason LaRue as the internet can provide. Still, nowhere close.

Rumors flew in Cardinal Nation today as back-up catcher and full-time bad-ass Jason LaRue, signed a contract for 2010. This means that the Cardinals can cross off their #1 priority (Signing a player that can make women faint with pleasure and men cry tears of joy) this off-season. While they know that a contract is only semi-binding, LaRue will likely grace Busch Stadium with his unadulterated awesomeness in 2010.

“The man’s a free spirit, and that’s something you gotta respect when working with Jason LaRue,” said Cardinals’ GM John Mozeliak, “We hope that Jason will choose to catch a few innings in 2010, but it’s really up to him. Jason LaRue plays baseball where he wants, when he wants.”

The Cardinals’ pitching staff was very optimistic about the upcoming season upon hearing the news of LaRue’s return. “Oh Hell Yeah!” exclaimed starting pitcher Adam Wainwright, “That was the key to our staff’s success last year. Yadi caught most of the games, but knowing that if he wasn’t doing the job you had pure machismo with a catcher’s glove waiting in the wings? Well that would make anybody pitch a lot better.”

We were actually granted audience with the baseball great for a short interview after declared that he would add playing Major League Baseball to his extensive list of plans for next season. The interview can be found below:

Q: What made you decide to sign with the Cardinals for 2010?

A: It was a long decision. I took some time off, traveled around the world, was adviser to the pope and Dali Lama for a while, re-watched all my old VHS tapes of Happy Days and thought about my career as a whole. In the end, I decided the sport wouldn’t be near as kick-ass without yours truly, so I decided to come back. Man, that was one hell of a day.

Q: Wow, all of that in one day. What did you do with the rest of your off-season so far?

A: Went deer hunting.

Q: Any success?

A: Mild success. Got 26 deer overall. Killed 8 with my bare hands, 3 with my mustache, 6 by rocking out on my electric guitar, one I landed on jumping out of my tree stand, and the other 8 I killed by practicing my throw down to second, and two of those were with one throw.

Q: How would you describe yourself as a baseball player?

A: I’d say that I’m a mixture of a lion, St. Bernard (the actual Saint, not the dog), and a rattlesnake riding a hippopotamus with Pegasus wings. I mean, you mix those things together and add a catcher’s mask? Bam, classic LaRue.

Q: You’ve kept the handlebar mustache look for sometime now. Besides exuding pure awesomeness, is there a reason for the look?

A: Well…haha…I keep it because when I’m with the ladies (The rest of this quote was so graphic and vulgar that I couldn’t write it under penalty of law)

Q: Any final words for Cardinal Nation?

A: Better dust off that copy of Hank Jr’s “A Country Boy Can Survive,” I’ll be rocking and walking out to that puppy all season long, LaRue style. Oh, that and you’re welcome.

Jason LaRue ended the interview by flashing a “Rock On” hand gesture before mounting a black fire-breathing dragon and flying off into the sunset, his mane of golden hair and luxurious handlebar mustache waving in the wind. What was more impressive was that this happened at 1:30 in the afternoon, which led many to suspect that LaRue had caused the sun to set early on that day, just for the effect of flying off into it.

Busch Stadium is celebrating this glorious day by blasting classic rock from the grounds. If you listen closely, I think you can distantly make out Boston’s “More Than A Feeling.”

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Holliday Family Celebrates Rough Thanksgiving While Matt is Between Jobs

November 25, 2009

Free Agent Matt Holliday is trying to support his family during his unemployment. He's currently filling out applications with the MLB for a permanent position in the spring and at Best Buy for seasonal help.

This Thanksgiving will be a somber one for the family of Cardinal free agent, Matt Holliday. Holliday recently reached free agency this November and is currently looking for a position within his skill set in Major League Baseball.

“It’s gonna be a tough year. With this economy, you just have to hope for the best. It was great to find a position with the Cardinals, even though I knew going in it was going to be temporary.” Holliday said while flipping through the weekly help wanted ads. “It’s great to add National League Central Champion to my resume. Hopefully that will get me some looks from some organizations.” While Holliday remains hopeful, sources say that the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the New York Yankees have already stated that they will be passing up Holliday for other applicants.

“He’s a great player and all, he just didn’t really have the qualities we were looking for in an applicant,” said Yankee’s GM Brian Cashman, “Plus we’re trying to find placed for Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon. Those two have been with the organization for a while now and we’re big on employee loyalty. We just couldn’t really find it in our hearts to let one of those guys go after what they’ve done for us this past year. I’m not gonna look one of those two in the eye and tell them that we’re bringing in someone else to do their job. Come on man, it’s the holidays.”

Holliday says that he is thankful for his family who have been extremely supportive throughout the entire ordeal. “We’re gonna stand behind Matt through this tough time. He’s done a lot to support his family and we support his career choice,” said Holliday’s wife Leslee in a statement issued last week. The life of a baseball player can often be a difficult one, with travel being routinely required, contracts usually only lasting a few years, and a lot of teams issuing performance based incentives. “He’s worked hard to get to this position in his career, and while it’s tough for a family to have a member unemployed during these hard economic times, me and Matt will be a united front and I’m confident that our family will make it through this.”

The Hollidays are currently living off of their savings. Matt was fortunate enough to hold a position with the Oakland Athletics and the St. Louis Cardinals this past year and made 11.5 million dollars between the 08 and 09 seasons. “That’s gonna help us get through this. I was fortunate enough to put some of that money back into savings so I’m confident that even though things may be tight. We’ll make it,” said Holliday.

Holliday said he has considered taking other positions since the tough economy makes finding a job hard these days. “I have thought of taking a position in maybe right field, or as a medical assistant or middle management somewhere. I know I just have to be flexible.” Holliday maintains the fact that he would like to stay in the MLB. “I know it’s hard to get back into the industry if you make a career change, so I’m hoping something opens up. So far the only team I’ve seen taking out help-wanted ads are the Baltimore Orioles and I’m just not sure that’s a place I want to work,” said Holliday.

Holliday said he hopes to get signed soon. “I just can’t bare to look my family in the eyes and tell them that we only have about $500,000 to spend on Christmas this year. That’s not something a father ever wants to do.”

If you would like to help this family during their time of need, donations can be sent to:

St. Louis Cardinals’ Free Agent Fund

100 S 4th St

Saint Louis, MO 63102

 

God Wins National League MVP

November 24, 2009

The Baseball Writers of America announced to the sporting world today that they have unanimously elected God, legendary deity and basis of most Western religions, as the National League Most Valuable Player.  The decision left most baseball analysts surprised at the selection and set off an entirely new approach to most awards in the world of professional sports. Many of the writers were asked to explain their reasoning behind the selection at a press conference held earlier today.

“Well our first instinct was to give it to Pujols. The guy had an outstanding season and really put up some impressive numbers. When we went back to look at some tapes, we realized an important detail that we had overlooked. Every base hit, every home run, and every at bat, Pujols would do something to signal God. Whether that was an upward point, a quick sign of the cross, or throwing up a prayer before a game, he was constantly consulting the Big Man Upstairs before doing all these things that would have made him MVP,” said Matt Fiorello, writer for ESPN. “It made you start wondering where all of this talent was really coming from.”

“It seemed like every interview you had with Pujols, he was giving credit to God for his abilities and the way he was performing,” said Matt Stamp, writer for Sport Illustrated. “It made us question who we should be giving this award to. I mean, if God was behind his 47 home runs, 15 stolen bases and over 100 RBIs, who was really the most valuable player in the National League?”

Pujols was taken aback by the decision, but said that the awarding was fair. “I do play for God, but…well… I guess he gave me my abilities so…I can’t really argue with their decision.” Pujols shook his head and looked with bewilderment skyward before exiting the press-conference. Pujols finished second in voting with 32 unanimous 2nd place votes.

God was extremely pleased with this announcement and felt that this award was “A long time coming.” “I just think it’s about time,” said God through a divine translator later called a “prophet,” “I’ve helped Albert win 2 other MVPs, Silver Slugger Awards, Gold Gloves, and gotten that guy quite a few All-Star nods, very nice of him to give credit where credit is due.” God went on to address the fact that he feels he was snubbed for approximately 73 prior MVP awards in both the American and National Leagues, 37 World Series Rings, and various other athletic awards across sports. “I didn’t see Kobe Bryant sending me one of his NBA Championship Rings and the ‘miracle’ comeback of the Red Sox in 2004? Where was the credit for that one? Yeah, I’m looking at you David Ortiz.”

When asked what he thought of God’s NL MVP win, Joe Mauer, the AL MVP, said that he thought God was good this season, but not great. “Yeah, when you’re playing with a club that has Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday, not to mention the pitching staff of Carpenter and Wainwright, it’s easy to put up some big numbers,” Mauer said.

When asked if he would be sharing the AL MVP honor with The Heavenly Father, Mauer was reluctant to share the spotlight.

“Let’s get this straight, Joe Mauer plays baseball for one man: Joe Mauer.”

2009 NL MVP God says that he had a major hand in the MLB this year but swears he was not a part of the 2009 Yankees WS win. "Kinda the other guy's territory," He said.

Area Man Has No Idea Why He Keeps Stats at Games

November 23, 2009

St. Louis Cardinal fan Frank Trankler admires his stat sheet where Pujols had an RBI and Adam Wainwright had "around 7 or 8 strikeouts." Trankler went on to throw the program away and grab a hot dog.

Area Cardinal fan Frank Trankler admitted today that he has no idea why he keeps stats during St. Louis Cardinals games at Busch Stadium. Trankler has kept stats at every game he’s attended since the age of 19. Trankler, now 48, has attended 4-5 games at old and New Busch Stadium since “he can remember,” and has finally taken a step back to question a time-honored tradition that he has observed for all these years.

“Not really sure why I do it,” Trankler said of his statistical habit, “My dad always did it when he went to games so I guess I just picked it up from him. Every game I’ll pay like 6 damn dollars for a program just so I can keep stats. I guess in retrospect it’s kinda expensive since I don’t really get anything out of it.”

To date, Trankler has spent nearly $500 on a hobby that he calls “just something to do,” and “tedious.” Trankler admittedly throws away the program upon exiting the stadium and has been known to give up keeping stats around the 7th or 8th inning on numerous occasions. “It kinda gets to be a pain in the ass after a while,” Trankler admitted, “especially when I was in my 20s and all my buddies went to games with me. We’d usually get drunk and start heckling the opposing team’s bullpein about the 6th and how am I supposed to keep up with every at bat with that going on? Plus every time I have to take a pee or get a hot dog, I have to ask my wife to keep track while I’m gone. That woman doesn’t even know what an RBI is, let alone if something is an out on a 1-3 play or a 3 unassisted.”

“I guess I always thought it would be cool to look back at if something big happened that game,” Trankler continued, “Like if I would have been there when McGwire hit 70, or a no-hitter or something. Sure, I was taking stats when McGwire hit a home run, but it was some insignificant number, like 23  I think. Who wants to remember that?”

Trankler said that while he now realizes that his hobby during games is completely pointless to him, he will most likely continue the tradition. “The way I see it, it’s either that or talk to my wife the whole time and that’s not gonna happen,” Trankler said before turning on the Blues game, “I haven’t scored there in like 6 years. There’s a stat for ya.”

My UCB Award Votes (Read em’ and say “Well that guy has no damn clue what he’s talking about”)

November 20, 2009

So here was my dilemma, as a newcomer should I try to actually vote how I honestly feel these awards should go? Or do I stay true to form and try to be comedic with my responses to balance out all the stat heads in Cardinals Blogger Nation? Well after seriously considering most of these categories, I see that I can actually do both. Most of my baseball talk comes straight outta my ass and so I expect some flack, mean comments, and egging to come to my apartment after I say my peace. What keeps me honest? Probably the fact that I don’t care what people think, no one has commented on my blogs yet so any comment would be welcomed and…well none of you actually know where I live.  So without further ado, here are the Fredbird Follys votes for the UCB awards.

1. Cardinal Player of the Year

  • Matt Holliday
  • Albert Pujols
  • Brendan Ryan
  • Write-in: __________

Yeah, Pujols is awesome. He’ll win MV3 and Cardinals Nation will cheer him as our hero. I love Pujols and yes, he is as awesome as everyone says, however I will most likely be the 1 descending vote in the ranks and I’m casting my ballot for Brendan Ryan. Here’s why: Albert is Albert. He was incredible this year, but to be honest, who didn’t see that coming? Pujols was the starting first basemen coming into the season since the early 2000s. If he wouldn’t have been Albert we would all be throwing bitch fits right now and blaming him for everything that went wrong in Cardinal Nation in 2009. Brendan Ryan came into 2009 as a goofball who could stand at shortstop and backup our golden boy Khalil Greene. Then it happened, Khalil freaked out, left shortstop open, and Brendan Ryan was forced to grow up, put away the games and be a full-time major league shortstop. The thing that makes him my player of the year is the fact that he not only stepped up, but did it in such a way that there was talk of him getting some Gold Glove votes, we have an incredible starting shortstop in 2010, and Tony even mentioned that he was the Wizard’s Apprentice a couple of times. Albert, every year is your year, but in my opinion you gotta tip your hat to Brendan in 2009 for filling a major hole in the infield. (P.S. Holliday only played half the season, we lost our top prospect for him, and he missed a fly ball in the playoffs that any self-respecting man with basic self-defense reflexes would have caught. Cardinal of the Year? Pass)

2. Cardinal Pitcher of the Year
  • Chris Carpenter
  • Ryan Franklin
  • Adam Wainwright
  • Write-in: __________

Adam Wainwright. For the record I was really close to giving this one to Blake Hawksworth, but damn, you gotta give it to Rootbeer on this one. Carpenter was hurt for the first part of the season so Wainwright had to carry a Cardinal staff through a stunning April, and he did, no bitching. The man helped us pick up Mark DeRosa, (you know he helped) and then was a competitor for the Cy Young. He picked up a gold glove this year and had more wins than any other Cardinal. In my opinion, Wainwright was our ace this year. What gets him my vote? The fact that he wasn’t. He carried an amazing team through April, then stepped right back into the #2 shadows when Chris Carpenter returned from the DL. He was outstanding and just as consistent as Carpenter all year, but was content with being the #2 starter in both the regular season and the playoffs. Waino was outstanding all year and didn’t complain about any of the cards he was dealt, whether that be letting Todd Wellemeyer lose a game for you after 7 or 8 innings or being forced to do a laughable anti-smoking commercial with our governor. Wainwright had all the class you’d want in a Cardinal and in my opinion, class goes a long way. ( I know no one reads my blog posts, but if someone does this week; I hope to God it’s Milton Bradley)

3. Game of the Year

Write in: October 1st vs. Reds. Really? This wasn’t a choice? If you are a Cardinal fan this was an AWESOME game. Not close, not meaningful, just a slaughter of a non-factor team that got us pumped for the playoffs. Troy Glaus was back, the Cardinals won 13-0 and Tony LaRussa passed up John McGraw on the all-time games managed leader board. The best part about this game? Chris Carpenter hit a GRAND SLAM! (and a double just for good measure). This was the first home run of his major league career and it was a GRAND SLAM! Chris Carpenter finished the game with 6 RBIs, and pitched almost 6 shutout innings while only giving up 3 hits. The Cardinals won 13-0 and Chris Carpenter played like the Reds had collectively insulted his mother. Amazing game.

4. Surprise Player of the Year
  • Ryan Franklin
  • Brendan Ryan
  • Skip Schumaker
  • Write-in: _____________

Write-in: Kyle McClellan. Can we talk about how much this guy sucked last year and then finished 2009 with a respectable ERA and became a player we could rely on? Last year this guy was 2-7 with a 4.04 ERA. This year he finished 4-4 with a 3.38 ERA. I know that’s not great, but he really came on strong in the 2nd half. The fact that I trusted him taking the mound after last year was enough of a surprise, but the fact that I hoped at times that Tony would put him in? Well that flat out shocked the hell outta me.

5. Disappointing Player of the Year
  • Rick Ankiel
  • Khalil Greene
  • Kyle Lohse
  • Write-in: _____________

Khalil Greene. Thanks for making us pay a shit ton of money for you and then freaking out because you realized that you play baseball for a living and being sent back to the minors. The guy who was supposed to be our everyday shortstop didn’t even make the postseason roster. If Brendan Ryan hadn’t transformed into the Magician’s Nephew just in time to plug up the giant hole Greene left in our infield, I think a lot more people would be pissed off at Khalil Greene right now.

6. Cardinal Rookie of the Year
  • Mitchell Boggs
  • Blake Hawksworth
  • Colby Rasmus
  • Write-in: ____________

Colby Rasmus: Despite being my favorite player on the Cardinals (I’m a satirical writer so I can pick favorites), this kid was Jimmy Edmonds Jr. in the field, showed power n his 1st season and was the most clutch player we had. (Take that El Hombre). He came through with walk off homers a few times this season and had one of the most consistent bats in the postseason. I like this kid a lot and think we might be worrying a little too much about protection for Albert coming from elsewhere. Colby’s only going to get better with some more experience and when he doesn’t have to split time with Rick.

7. Off-Season Acquisition of the Year
  • Khalil Greene
  • Trever Miller
  • Dennys Reyes
  • Write-in: ____________

Trevor Miller: The guy only had to get about one or two guys out per game, but those guys were the Manny Rimerezes and the Ryan Howards. The man didn’t have to get many outs, but he did have to get tough ones and he got ’em. We brought him in to do a job and he did it. I like the big man, Dennys Reyes, but Trevor Miller was the “shut-up, sit-down” guy that the Cardinals needed.

8. Midseason Acquisition of the Year
  • Mark DeRosa
  • Matt Holliday
  • John Smoltz
  • Write-in: _________

Write In: Julio Lugo. I can’t believe this guy wasn’t a choice. DeRo was good, but now he’s on the market, we gave up quite a bit to get him and he got injured getting off the plane. Smoltz was outstanding, but didn’t do a whole lot to help an already excelling team and now he’s being shopped around like the antique collectible he is. For Holliday we gave up our best prospect and now we’re either gonna lose him after half a season or end up paying around $300 a ticket to see games so we can pay his salary (Not to mention the whole ‘Oh my God I lost the easy fly ball in the lights’ fiasco) With Julio Lugo we have a consistent bat and glove for, not only the 2nd half of 2009, but also 2010. What did we give up for him? A struggling outfielder who St. Louis blamed for absolutely everything that went wrong with the Cardinals. (I swear Kyle Lohse could have hit 17 straight batters and we would have blamed Chris Duncan). The Red Sox lost a vet with some spark left in him for an outfielder that was basically told not to unpack anything once he moved to Boston. All the other guys were great, but as of right now it looks like Julio Lugo was almost a gift, and one that will keep on giving in 2010.

9. Most Anticipated Cardinal
  • Allen Craig
  • Daryl Jones
  • Shelby Miller
  • Write-in: __________

Write-In: Joe Mather. Yeah the guy has some injury trouble, but so did Carp and he came back after a 2 year hiatus and almost took home a Cy Young. Say what you want, but I like this guy and think that he’s gonna do big things in the future (if not for us, then for someone else. Possibly someone like Home Depot when he gives up baseball and decides to manage the lumber department).

10. Best Individual Blog*
  • Write-in: C-70 at the Bat

Awesome blog and he’s really welcoming to people in the UCB (for those on the outside)

11. Best Team Blog^
  • Write-in: Viva El Birdos

I’ll give this one to Viva El Birdos although I was disappointed in their recent satirical pick for a feature blog. Well written and all, but the guy totally infringed on Fredbird Follys territory and literally wrote pretty much the same story that I was writing when I took a break to check Twitter and saw that I was beaten to the punch.

12. Best Media Blog

  • Bird Land
  • Cardinal Beat
  • Obviously, You’re Not a Golfer
  • Write-in: __________

I’ll go with Bird Land, they keep their stuff current and in the business of social media I definitely believe that more is more.

13. Best UCB Project

I love reading the Roundtables. Really gives you insights into who the guys in the UCB are and what they value.

14. Most Optimistic Cardinal Blog
  • Write-in: C-70 at the Bat always has nice things to say about the birds
15. Funniest Cardinal Blog
  • Write-in: Can I vote for myself? I only did this because I wanted some comedy in bird land and even though I’m new, I really hope to make Fredbird Follys a force in the future as I refine my style and comedic delivery.
16. Rookie Blog of the Year

Since I haven’t read either. I guess I’ll abstain from this one.

So there are my votes. I welcome your arguments since I will adamantly and blindly defend my positions for days. It’s the off-season so I have nothing better to do.

Cardinals planning to move to a 5 infield, 2 outfield alignment in 2010

November 19, 2009

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa spoke briefly today about a shift in the defensive alignment that the club will enact in 2010. In light of struggling negotiations for a left field option, they will instead opt to play Colby Ramus in left-center,  Ryan Ludwick in right-center, and 5 positions on the infield.

“We feel it’s a good call,” said Tony LaRussa of the unprecedented move in the defensive alignment, “We’re very confident in the defensive abilities of both Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus so we think we can get by with just those two out there. Skip has adjusted so well to 2nd base that we’d hate to switch him again, Brendan Ryan has been solid at shortstop, Julio Lugo has proven to be a valuable member of this club, Albert is a Gold Glover, and David Freese…well that kid is really trying, so we feel really good about those five as our infield.” The Cardinals have already drawn up what the new defense will look like. It primarily consists of a regular infield with Julio Lugo standing directly behind David Freese.

“We were originally a little concerned about Freese’s defense at 3rd, but we really think this will alleviate our worries,” said LaRussa, “We want to give David a chance to prove himself and this will take a lot of the pressure off of him since he won’t have to worry about making defensive stops all the time. This way if he catches the ball that’s great, but if not, Lugo will be there to ensure that we don’t suffer on defense. We also know that anything remotely to his left will be taken care of by Brendan Ryan.”

When asked about the shift to only 2 outfielders, LaRussa said there was a great deal of reasoning behind the decision. “We have great ground-ball pitchers with the exception of Waino who’s a strikeout kinda guy, so we figure everything hit should mostly stay in the infield. If someone does hit a fly ball, the organization is confident in the defensive abilities of Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus.” LaRussa went on to say that this alignment was only a trial run and if Ludwick couldn’t cover the entirety of his zone, the defensive responsibilities of both left and center-field would be moved to Rasmus. When asked if he thought the 2009 rookie could handle the responsibility, LaRussa was confident. “That kid is ridiculously fast, so yeah I think he can handle it. I mean, we don’t have a lot of other options.” When questioned about simply finding a replacement for Matt Holliday in left, LaRussa scoffed, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”

Julio Lugo was excited about the possibility of redefining his role with the club. “It’s an honor to be given an everyday position. I was originally concerned when I was told I would be playing 3rd base behind David Freese, because I was not particularly excited about being the #2 man to a rookie, but when I learned I would literally be playing 3rd base standing behind David Freese, that really changed the situation.” Lugo will be labeled as the team’s 3rd basemen in the 2010 season and David Freese will be the “Associate 3rd basemen” for the Cardinals.

John Mozeliak adamantly defended the move to give Freese a shot at a  full-time “3rd basemenish” role, “Look right now, he’s the cheapest… I mean, “best” option we have and this allows us to consolidate our monetary resources as much as possible.” When asked about the current financial situation of the organization, Mozeliak simply pointed to an oil drum full of cash next to his desk labeled “Matt Holliday please, for the love of God, come back to St. Louis fund”

The Cardinals are still working on Freese’s approach at the plate and are trying to refine a better system than hitting coach Mark McGwire yelling “SWING” from the dugout whenever he identifies a pitch for the rookie to hit.

Tony LaRussa was a staunch defender of his managerial move, “Everybody laughed when I hit my pitchers 8th to give Albert more at bats and look at how that worked out,” LaRussa later added, “4-time NL Manager of the Year bitches!”

The Cardinals are eager to try out their new defensive alignment in 2010. When asked if this move showed a lack of confidence in Rookie David Freese, Tony LaRussa responded, "What would give you that idea?" before snickering to himself and walking away.

Colby Rasmus disappointed at not living up to MLB 2K9 statistics

November 18, 2009

Centerfielder Colby Rasmus worried hitting coach Al McRae early in the season by insisting that he was just trying to differentiate between his "regular" and "power" swings.

Cardinal center fielder Colby Rasmus expressed disappointment today after taking time to reflect on his 2009 season. Rasmus admitted disappointment after finishing the year with a lower batting average, fewer home runs and less RBIs than his character in the game MLB 2K9. Rasmus finished his virtual season early in June of 2009 and was hoping that his positive results in the game would translate into success on the field.

“People put a lot of time into these games to make them look and feel as realistic as possible,” said Rasmus, “I thought that how my character performed at the virtual Major League level would let me know how smooth my transition from the minors would go.” Rasmus began his 2K9 season in early February after waiting in line for 7 hours before the midnight release of the game.

“I understood striking out the first few times in the majors, but I thought once I got the hang of the timing, bat speed, and the pitcher’s movements that my batting average would be more reflective of the .837 that my avatar predicted.” Rasmus finished the year with a .251 batting average, which though respectable for a rookie, was far below his anticipations.

“I was really looking forward to a 234 home run, 467 RBI, and 78 stolen base season. I think that would have definitely secured me more votes for Rookie of the Year, and possibly MVP depending on how Albert did,” Rasmus continued, “I thought the majors were just a lot easier than the minors and my numbers would skyrocket when I got here. I was really looking forward to a home run every other at bat or so, but man, real baseball is a lot harder than 2K9 makes it out to be.”

Rasmus also expressed concern about the production of team as a whole. “We weren’t the 160 win team I thought we’d be. I figured we might drop a game or two until we figured out how to get the pitches in the zone and figure out the controls. There would definitely be some gaffs when we accidentally bunted instead of swinging away and threw to the wrong base a few times, but man, I never thought we’d lose a game after the first month or so.”

“Production was way down across the board. Carpenter and Wainwright didn’t combine for over 800 strikeouts and their ERAs were both over 1.00. I really didn’t think they’d be that far away from what their virtual selves depicted, but they both had decent seasons despite have almost double their predicted ERAs and failing to pitch 10 no-hitters apiece. Albert managed to put together another MVP caliber season, but I fully expected him to almost match my numbers and at least triple the home run record.” Rasmus was most taken aback by the fact that the Cardinals were defeated in the NLCS instead of finishing the playoffs with a World Series victory in 11 games. The Cardinals were also expected to outscore their opponents this season 2,745-43.

“I think that my numbers were down because I had to split time with Rick Ankiel. In my season, that guy didn’t see an inning,” Rasmus did have complimentary reports for one member of the Cardinal’s squad. “Jason LaRue played in 51 games this year and that’s way more than I played him. He also had 2 homers and that’s about 2 more than he had the entire season.”

Rasmus is focused on making his 2010 season more closely resemble his video game numbers, but voiced concern about a dip in production after switching the difficulty from “Easy” to “Normal.”

Todd Wellemeyer Still Technically a Candidate for Cy Young

November 17, 2009

In an announcement that shocked baseball today, Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan noted that Cardinal pitcher Todd Wellemeyer is still technically in the running for the NL Cy Young Award.

“Well, I just meant that he was a pitcher and technically every major league pitcher has a chance at winning the Cy Young. I honestly don’t think he’ll even be considered this year. I was just saying that it was still anyone’s race,” Duncan said. The coach later clarified that he was only speculating between the top three candidates, Tim Lincecum, Chris Carpenter, and Adam Wainwright.

When asked about the possibility of Todd Wellemeyer being considered, sports writer Trevor Irwin was less than optimistic, “He had a pretty bad year if I remember correctly. 2008 wasn’t bad for him, but still not near a Cy Young caliber performance. I think we’ll be talking about a few Cardinals when it’s time to vote, but I just don’t think he’ll be in the mix.” Irwin later went on to clarify, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?”

Todd Wellemeyer came into the year filling out the Cardinals rotation but was plagued with stints in the minor leagues and the bullpen after being diagnosed with a condition known as “really horrible performance” and later being trouble by a slight “towering ERA.” Wellemeyer finished the year with a 5.89 ERA, 78 strikeouts, and 80 earned runs.

When asked about a contract extension for the free agent Wellemeyer, Cardinals GM John Mozeliak seemed puzzled by the possibility of resigning the 7 game winner, “Are you serious? I just don’t think he has a place in this club. He did some great things for us in the past, but…do people really think we should resign him? I mean the guy only played in 28 games and gave up 19 home runs.” Mozeliak later went on to add, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?

Wellmeyer is still hopeful for big news in the Cy Young announcements due to the fact that any pitcher is eligible and we’ve just learned that what Todd Wellemeyer did during games is technically still considered pitching.

Cardinals pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was excited to learn today that what he did on the mound this season will still be considered "pitching" and not "tossing the ball to the caatcher" making him elligible for the Cy Young Award

Adam Wainwright Eager to Try Out His New Gold Glove in 2010

November 13, 2009
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Adam Wainwright says he instends to wear his Rawlings Gold Glove award during games next year. “By God, if someone gives you a gift for doing a good job, you use it. That’s just common courtesy.”

Starting pitcher Adam Wainwright started his 2009 award season by being honored along with teammate Yadier Molina as a Rawlings Gold Glove recipient. This is the first time that Wainwright has received the Gold Glove and team officials are concerned with his perception of the award.

“He really thinks he’s actually supposed to use it on a regular basis,” said Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa,”I mean, when he walks out to the mound in 2010, he wants to be wearing the damn thing.” Management is still trying to decide if this will go against their “no-showboating” policy.

Wainwright was very adamant about wearing award next season. “Yeah, I plan to wear it every game. The way I see it, they wouldn’t make the award an actual glove if they didn’t want players to wear it,” Wainwright said after removing the award from it’s stand, “I still don’t know why Albert doesn’t hit with his Silver Slugger bats. I know I would.”

“It will really be an intimidation thing,” said Wainwright, “If a batter wants to hit a liner back at me, so be it. I hope he thinks about it, looks and sees me wearing the Gold Glove, and then thinks ‘Oh man, probably not a good idea after all.'” Wainwright also showed disappointment that other Gold Glove winners did not display their awards as prominently. “If I pitched a ball outside so Yadi could throw down to Albert and pick off a guy taking a big lead at first, and we were all wearing our Gold Gloves? Man, that would be awesome, and you know the guy we picked off would just look at all of them and think ‘Wow, I should have known.'”

Wainwright was also asked about his chances in the Cy Young race. “I think it would be great to win one and all, but the award doesn’t seem to be really functional. What am I going to do with a trophy? I’d much rather have the Gold Glove so I can wear it every game and remind the opposing team how awesome I am.”

“I guess I could put the Cy Young trophy next to the mound when I pitch,” Wainwright continued. “I mean, it would have the same effect. I couldn’t use it in any way, but it would still make batters think twice when they stepped up to the plate. I just want Ryan Howard to step in the batters box, do his ‘stick out the bat routine’ and then see the Cy Young sitting there and think ‘Oh shit, this guy is serious'”

When asked if seeing a pitcher’s Cy Young sitting on the mound would have any effect on his approach at the plate, Cardinal’s slugger Ryan Ludwick responded, “Yeah, I figure any guy who’s enough of a wackjob to set up their awards out on the mound when they’re pitching is definitely unstable enough to throw inside at you and not think twice. I just don’t think anyone’s THAT crazy.” Ludwick then paused before responding, “Oh God, you’re talking about Waino aren’t you?”

Upon hearing about Wainwright’s approach, Albert Pujols has begun plans to construct a trophy case along the first base line.

Fredbird Agent Scott Boras to Test Open Market

November 12, 2009
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Fredbird recently held a press conference to declare his free agency. Fredbird routinely appears between innings and calls himself "The real starting pitcher" of most games due to assisting with first pitch ceremonies.

After a successful 30 year career with the St. Louis Cardinals, mascot Fredbird will be placed on the open market after the 2 week exclusive bidding period the Cardinals have to renegotiate a contract. Fredbird filed for free agency Tuesday after his current contract expired following the 2009 season. Although Fredbird said he was happy with his role with the NL Central champions, his agent, Scott Boras, said that it is only fair to test the waters with his client.

“Fredbird has really enjoyed being part of a winning franchise such as the Cardinals, but I think he may be ready for a change and honestly a lot of teams are looking for a talent like Fredbird,” said Boras, “I mean you have the Toronto Blue Jays, Pittsburgh Pirates, Washington Nationals  and the Baltimore Orioles. There is just a lot of need for avian mascot talent out there and I believe I represent the best in the business.”

Cardinal’s manager Tony LaRussa was optimistic about reaching a deal with the 30 time Cardinal mascot of the year. “I think he’s happy here, we built a nice team around him in Team Fredbird and I’m confident we’ll be able to reach a deal with him to return to the Cardinals in 2010.” LaRussa said. “I believe we would have looked into a contract extension sooner had we know that he was approaching free agency. Actually I don’t think any of us knew he was actually on contract, we just assumed he was here for the long haul since, well, he’s a cardinal and I’m pretty sure that jersey is sewn into his skin.”

Cardinal’s GM John Mozeliak was more open to a new face for the organization. “It’s not our top priority right now. We appreciate everything that Fredbird has done for the organization, but we also know that Scott Boras has a history of driving clients beyond our price range,” Mozeliak said. “Of course we need a mascot, but depending on what kind of money Fredbird is looking for, there are definitely other options.” When pressed on who the GM had in mind to fill Fredbird’s over-sized foam shoes, Mozeliak tipped his hand that he had already given this some consideration. “We know that the Pirate Parrot from Pittsburgh was very frustrated with his team’s performance last year. He said that overall jubilation was even  lower than expected in  the tough economy and citing that their wave statistics simply were extremely poor when compared to others in the league.”

He also mentioned some in-house options for the role, noting that Louie in AA Springfield has been doing some really great things. “That dugout slide? Genius!” said Mozeliak.

Boras was very hopeful for his clients results in free agency. “The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are currently without a mascot and Fredbird is fairly certain he could pull off that gig with a halo and possibly a harp. Also, we’d like to hear bids from the Dodgers regarding Fredbird’s abilities.”

The New York Yankees have been very interested in Fredbid on the free market. Having recently come off a World Series victory, they are looking at filling the one hole in their squad; the lack of a mascot.

“Sadly, they could definitely drive Fredbird out of our price range,” admitted Mozeliak. Currently the Cardinals are looking at a 30,000 – 40,000  a year contract, but the Yankees could apparently offer up to 55,000 to a mascot talent such as Fredbird. “But hey, that’s Steinbrenner money,” said Mozeliak.

Questions on whether Fredbird would entertain a move to the mascotless Chicago Cubs definitely ruffled some feathers during the press conference.

Boras says that Fredbird is also considering a change of venue and entertaining bids from the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.