Posts Tagged ‘ryan’

Cardinals Players Believe Brendan Ryan “Wrist Injury” Just A Practical Joke

March 5, 2010

Brendan Ryan makes a spectacular diving play for a ball to the hilarity of his teammates. What this photo fails to show is that the ball was simply sitting on the ground.

(Jupiter FL) Teammates and Front Office personnel told reporters today that they believe long time Cardinal’s jokester and shortstop Brendan Ryan’s “wrist injury” that’s been plaguing him for years is simply “One big elaborate practical joke.” The “wrist injury” has kept him out of training so far this spring and is expected to keep him “day-to-day” until he reveals the gag around the first game of the season.

“This is a pretty good one,” said Ryan’s teammate Adam Wainwright, “I mean he’s pulled some stuff before; the mustache, the over-sized batting helmet, but man, to fake a serious injury for years just to get out of one spring training. Well, that’s just classic Boog.”

Ryan was said to have gone to such lengths as complaining about the “ailing” wrist for a few seasons, enduring what can only be seen as unnecessary cortisone shots as “treatment” and in the past few weeks has taken the joke as far as having unnecessary surgery just to throw people off of his trail. Team doctors said that it would take about 4-8 weeks to “recover” from the gag.

Ryan’s exploits have led his teammates to get in on the fun this spring and has lead to an overall positive attitude in the clubhouse and a welcoming atmosphere for players new to Spring Training. A few of the current starters especially had some fun with 2009 Draft pick Shelby Miller.

“I told him that Branden’s ‘injury’ was fake and that he would think it was hilarious if Shelby went up and just punched him in the wrist,” said Cardinal’s relief pitcher Trevor Miller, “You should have seen the look on Brendan and Shelby’s faces when he actually did it. I mean Shelby looked horrified and Brendan was laughing so hard it looked like he was in some real pain.”

Later, Ryan referred to the gag as “agonizing” and “excrutiating,” while Trevor Miller described it as simply “pretty damn hilarious.”

Ryan is currently undergoing “rehab” and will return by opening day as long as “no serious complications arise.”

Cardinals Interested In Closer That Doesn’t Look Like Mr. Tumnus the Fawn

January 13, 2010

The Cardinals search for a new closer while Ryan Franklin is off filming "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" during the 2010 season

The St. Louis Cardinals showed interest in free-agent closer Jose Valverde today in hopes of adding a more consistent, less mythical-looking closer to the 2010 lineup. Franklin had an excellent season in 2009, converting 38 of 44 save opportunities and posting a 1.92 ERA over 61 innings. The closer fell apart in September though, going 0-4 in his last appearances. Cardinals pitching coaches noted that Franklin seemed much more tense as winter approached, noting that it “brings up bad memories.”

“I got a lot of grief over that last month,” said Franklin, “I felt the impeding cold coming on and I began to freeze up. I have horrible memories of the cold, and I’ll admit that during my last few performances it started to feel like it was always winter and never Christmas. It’s a lot of pressure for us players to handle and most sons of Adam and daughters of Eve simply don’t understand that.” Franklin spoke openly about his troubles over a small serving of tea and cakes however, our interview was cut short because Franklin said that he had some parcels that he “simply must deliver.”

Cardinals management are hoping to go another direction with the closer position in 2010 and have shown interest in free-agent Jose Valverde, who doesn’t resemble a mythical creature of any kind. “Ryan was a great pitcher and all, but he just brought a lot of complications to the club,” said manager Tony LaRussa., “It was very hard for our uniform staff to find pants to fit over his unusually hairy and muscular legs, and trying to find cleats that fit over hooves, well that’s just another challenge in general. I’m just thankful that his horns never showed through his cap, the constant media criticism that we employ steroid users is bad enough without them accusing us of employing satin himself.”

Franklin also had his share of trouble in the bullpen as his fife playing and constant frolicking was deemed distracting by many of his teammates. It was also noted that many of the Christians on the team took offense to him praising a mythical creature known as “Aslan” after each successful outing.

Brendan Ryan was also warned he would receive a fine if he began to look any more like Super Mario.

Cardinals planning to move to a 5 infield, 2 outfield alignment in 2010

November 19, 2009

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa spoke briefly today about a shift in the defensive alignment that the club will enact in 2010. In light of struggling negotiations for a left field option, they will instead opt to play Colby Ramus in left-center,  Ryan Ludwick in right-center, and 5 positions on the infield.

“We feel it’s a good call,” said Tony LaRussa of the unprecedented move in the defensive alignment, “We’re very confident in the defensive abilities of both Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus so we think we can get by with just those two out there. Skip has adjusted so well to 2nd base that we’d hate to switch him again, Brendan Ryan has been solid at shortstop, Julio Lugo has proven to be a valuable member of this club, Albert is a Gold Glover, and David Freese…well that kid is really trying, so we feel really good about those five as our infield.” The Cardinals have already drawn up what the new defense will look like. It primarily consists of a regular infield with Julio Lugo standing directly behind David Freese.

“We were originally a little concerned about Freese’s defense at 3rd, but we really think this will alleviate our worries,” said LaRussa, “We want to give David a chance to prove himself and this will take a lot of the pressure off of him since he won’t have to worry about making defensive stops all the time. This way if he catches the ball that’s great, but if not, Lugo will be there to ensure that we don’t suffer on defense. We also know that anything remotely to his left will be taken care of by Brendan Ryan.”

When asked about the shift to only 2 outfielders, LaRussa said there was a great deal of reasoning behind the decision. “We have great ground-ball pitchers with the exception of Waino who’s a strikeout kinda guy, so we figure everything hit should mostly stay in the infield. If someone does hit a fly ball, the organization is confident in the defensive abilities of Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus.” LaRussa went on to say that this alignment was only a trial run and if Ludwick couldn’t cover the entirety of his zone, the defensive responsibilities of both left and center-field would be moved to Rasmus. When asked if he thought the 2009 rookie could handle the responsibility, LaRussa was confident. “That kid is ridiculously fast, so yeah I think he can handle it. I mean, we don’t have a lot of other options.” When questioned about simply finding a replacement for Matt Holliday in left, LaRussa scoffed, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”

Julio Lugo was excited about the possibility of redefining his role with the club. “It’s an honor to be given an everyday position. I was originally concerned when I was told I would be playing 3rd base behind David Freese, because I was not particularly excited about being the #2 man to a rookie, but when I learned I would literally be playing 3rd base standing behind David Freese, that really changed the situation.” Lugo will be labeled as the team’s 3rd basemen in the 2010 season and David Freese will be the “Associate 3rd basemen” for the Cardinals.

John Mozeliak adamantly defended the move to give Freese a shot at a  full-time “3rd basemenish” role, “Look right now, he’s the cheapest… I mean, “best” option we have and this allows us to consolidate our monetary resources as much as possible.” When asked about the current financial situation of the organization, Mozeliak simply pointed to an oil drum full of cash next to his desk labeled “Matt Holliday please, for the love of God, come back to St. Louis fund”

The Cardinals are still working on Freese’s approach at the plate and are trying to refine a better system than hitting coach Mark McGwire yelling “SWING” from the dugout whenever he identifies a pitch for the rookie to hit.

Tony LaRussa was a staunch defender of his managerial move, “Everybody laughed when I hit my pitchers 8th to give Albert more at bats and look at how that worked out,” LaRussa later added, “4-time NL Manager of the Year bitches!”

The Cardinals are eager to try out their new defensive alignment in 2010. When asked if this move showed a lack of confidence in Rookie David Freese, Tony LaRussa responded, "What would give you that idea?" before snickering to himself and walking away.

Hello world!

November 9, 2009

This blog is written for fans (and possibly enemies) of the St. Louis Cardinals. All of what I say is just for fun and entirely made up. Please don’t start any trade rumors, requotings, or riots based on anything I say. i just like to look for the lighter side of major league baseball and think that the best fans in the world deserve some humorous writing based entirely on their favorite team. This way the Cardinals can always be looked at to cheer you up when your feeling down, even if the game (or postseason) before wasn’t all that great.