Posts Tagged ‘baseball’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

Cardinals Players Believe Brendan Ryan “Wrist Injury” Just A Practical Joke

March 5, 2010

Brendan Ryan makes a spectacular diving play for a ball to the hilarity of his teammates. What this photo fails to show is that the ball was simply sitting on the ground.

(Jupiter FL) Teammates and Front Office personnel told reporters today that they believe long time Cardinal’s jokester and shortstop Brendan Ryan’s “wrist injury” that’s been plaguing him for years is simply “One big elaborate practical joke.” The “wrist injury” has kept him out of training so far this spring and is expected to keep him “day-to-day” until he reveals the gag around the first game of the season.

“This is a pretty good one,” said Ryan’s teammate Adam Wainwright, “I mean he’s pulled some stuff before; the mustache, the over-sized batting helmet, but man, to fake a serious injury for years just to get out of one spring training. Well, that’s just classic Boog.”

Ryan was said to have gone to such lengths as complaining about the “ailing” wrist for a few seasons, enduring what can only be seen as unnecessary cortisone shots as “treatment” and in the past few weeks has taken the joke as far as having unnecessary surgery just to throw people off of his trail. Team doctors said that it would take about 4-8 weeks to “recover” from the gag.

Ryan’s exploits have led his teammates to get in on the fun this spring and has lead to an overall positive attitude in the clubhouse and a welcoming atmosphere for players new to Spring Training. A few of the current starters especially had some fun with 2009 Draft pick Shelby Miller.

“I told him that Branden’s ‘injury’ was fake and that he would think it was hilarious if Shelby went up and just punched him in the wrist,” said Cardinal’s relief pitcher Trevor Miller, “You should have seen the look on Brendan and Shelby’s faces when he actually did it. I mean Shelby looked horrified and Brendan was laughing so hard it looked like he was in some real pain.”

Later, Ryan referred to the gag as “agonizing” and “excrutiating,” while Trevor Miller described it as simply “pretty damn hilarious.”

Ryan is currently undergoing “rehab” and will return by opening day as long as “no serious complications arise.”

Does Ownership Plan to Move the Cardinal Organization Out of St. Louis?

February 11, 2010

No, No they don’t.

Rick Ankiel Not Happy About Demotion to Minor Leagues

January 22, 2010

Rick Ankiel shows off some new defensive techniques he's learned while in the Royals training camp. Ankiel is confident that if he works hard with the Royals that he can regain a position on an actual Major League team.

(Kansas City, MO) In a recent interview, former Cardinals pitcher turned outfielder Rick Ankiel expressed frustration over being signed to the Minor League Kansas City Royals. Ankiel hit a rough patch in 2009 after suffering injuries related to a head-on collision with the outfield wall while making a defensive play. Ankiel split time with youngster Colby Rasmus for the remainder of the season, but never regained his hitting prowess after the incident.

“I just hope that my time in the minors in Kansas City will give me time to work out some kinks and hopefully work my way back up into the Major Leagues again,” Ankiel said in a recent interview, “I know I had an off season in 2009, but I really didn’t think it warranted a demotion to minor league Kansas City. I guess it’s nice to be a level down and just get to focus on getting better.”

Ankiel did express some confusion over the Royals 2010 schedule citing that it listed games against the Yankees, Red Sox, and Cardinals during the season.

“I think it means we’ll be playing against their minor league affiliates,” Ankiel said, “I mean, to put the Royals up against a Major League team would just be cruel. Have you seen the guys they have playing? We would get massacred!”

At press time, Ankiel could not name which Major League team that they Royals were a minor league affiliate of, and we at Fredbird Follys simply didn’t have the heart to tell him that the Royals were technically a Major League Baseball team.

“The thing that really confuses me about Kansas City is that I can’t figure out how Zach Grienke won a Cy Young playing in the minors,” Ankiel said.

“But, whatever.”

Bleacher Report Strives to Provide Balanced Coverage of Why Mark McGwire is a Disgrace to Baseball

January 21, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) Popular Baseball Blogging Site, Bleacher Report, expressed today that it will do it’s best to ensure that every side is represented in discussing why Mark McGwire is a complete disgrace to baseball and should be forever banned from the game. McGwire was the former Cardinals slugger who broke Roger Marris’ long-standing home run record during his ’98 season. In a recent interview McGwire discussed that he indeed used steroids and other performance enhancing drugs during his major league career and feverishly apologized for his actions. Bleacher Report announced that it would give fans an open forum to discuss the admission and why McGwire is such an unspeakable monster who should forever be banned from the game of baseball.

“We just want to give fans a chance to speak on both sides of the issue of how horrible McGwire is,” said Bleacher Report Administrator, Larry St.Cloud, “Fans need to be able to tell people how they feel about this news, whether that be that Mark McGwire should be simply banned forever from baseball, have his memories of ever playing the game erased, or even go as far as dragging him through Cooperstown by a steroid induced horse. Fans have reacted very differently to this story and we want to make sure that every blogger who writes on McGwire’s heinous steroid admission is given a forum to tell the world just how physically ill this news makes them.”

Bleacher Report is not simply limiting it’s coverage of McGwire tarnishing the memories of millions of fans to Cardinals bloggers. Instead, Bleacher Report is striving to let every fan in baseball tell the stories of how McGwire has forever ruined, not only baseball, but the entire season of summer and a good chunk of fall and spring.

“McGwire has destroyed America’s pastime. I just don’t think I’ll ever look at him the same way again,” said San Francisco Giant’s fan Matt LaCoy, “You would never catch one of our players sinking to such levels to excel at this game. I’m just thankful that Barry Bonds came along and reclaimed the record for steroid-free baseball players and fans everywhere.”

When asked if Bleacher Report would be posting any blogs about fans forgiving McGwire for his actions and accepting his apology for earnest, McCloud said that Bleacher Report would “Never stoop to such unthinkable, dirty publicity to attract attention from readers.”

For God’s sake,” McCloud continued, “This is journalism.”

LaRue Admits to Using Myriad of Non-Performance Enhancing Drugs to Enhance Performance

December 10, 2009

Jason LaRue called an impromptu press conference yesterday in order to announce to the media that he routinly uses non-performance enhancing drugs such as heroin, cocaine, marijuana, speed, ecstasy, mushrooms, angel dust, PCP, methamphetamine, acid, cough syrup,  and keyboard duster spray, often all in the same game, to enhance his playing ability.

“I just..I gotta wanna get this stuff out in the open,” said LaRue during his press conference between fits of slurring and giggling, “I am who I am man, that’s, that’s just Jason being Jason.” LaRue ended the seven minute meeting with the press by releasing a loud “Woooo” and falling off the stage. It should be noted that the backup catcher did this entire conference without a shirt on and leaning on a guy he continuously referred to  as “Pinto.”

When asked about LaRue’s confession of often being “So high he didn’t know what baseball was” during games, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was quick to defend the veteran. “It was the call of the coaching staff on whether or not to play him. In the era of steroids, it was really the least of our worries if one of our guys was downing mushrooms between innings or had to do a couple lines before stepping in the batters box.” LaRussa admitted that there were times when the player’s performance was effected. “Yeah, there were definitely times when me and (pitching coach Dave) Dunc(an) would get together and have to make the call that Jason shouldn’t be breathing, let alone catching a Major League baseball game.”

Baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, said that the league would not be taking action that would taint LaRue’s legacy in baseball. “I don’t really see how it could have possibly given him an edge over the other players in the league,” said Selig, “If anything I’d say it makes his career that much more impressive. Playing baseball at a major league level is an achievement, but doing so while constantly deteriorating your motor skills, reaction time, and hallucinating throughout the entire game, well that seems damn near impossible.” Selig went on to say that all of LaRue’s career statistics will be left alone despite his confession. “Far be it from me to deny his 94 career home runs, 14 stolen bases, and lifetime .232 batting average.” When asked if this would taint his chances at entering the baseball Hall of Fame, Selig said he doubts this will have ANY effect on whether or not Jason LaRue is ever considered. “I don’t think we’ll ever be having that discussion about this player,” Selig said.

In a followup interview with LaRue, reporters questioned why the veteran found it necessary to use large amounts of methamphetamine, acid, and horse-tranquilizers before catching. “Trust me, I wouldn’t have been taking all that stuff if it didn’t improve my performance and make baseball games a lot more laid back,” said LaRue, “but when you have a guy like Jason Motte on the mound throwing 99 MPH fastballs your way, you need something to mellow you out and basically slow down time for a while. It’s really hard to see how an Adam Wainwright curve ball is moving, but when it leaves a rainbow trail behind it, well that makes things a little easier.

When asked about his comments at the earlier press conference, LaRue insists he has no recollection of any press conference happening, but says that over the last 4 days he really has “no damn clue” where he’s been or what he’s been doing.

Upon resigning Jason LaRue, the Cardinals have had to expand the player's locker to make more room for "necessary baseball equipment."

Cardinals planning to move to a 5 infield, 2 outfield alignment in 2010

November 19, 2009

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa spoke briefly today about a shift in the defensive alignment that the club will enact in 2010. In light of struggling negotiations for a left field option, they will instead opt to play Colby Ramus in left-center,  Ryan Ludwick in right-center, and 5 positions on the infield.

“We feel it’s a good call,” said Tony LaRussa of the unprecedented move in the defensive alignment, “We’re very confident in the defensive abilities of both Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus so we think we can get by with just those two out there. Skip has adjusted so well to 2nd base that we’d hate to switch him again, Brendan Ryan has been solid at shortstop, Julio Lugo has proven to be a valuable member of this club, Albert is a Gold Glover, and David Freese…well that kid is really trying, so we feel really good about those five as our infield.” The Cardinals have already drawn up what the new defense will look like. It primarily consists of a regular infield with Julio Lugo standing directly behind David Freese.

“We were originally a little concerned about Freese’s defense at 3rd, but we really think this will alleviate our worries,” said LaRussa, “We want to give David a chance to prove himself and this will take a lot of the pressure off of him since he won’t have to worry about making defensive stops all the time. This way if he catches the ball that’s great, but if not, Lugo will be there to ensure that we don’t suffer on defense. We also know that anything remotely to his left will be taken care of by Brendan Ryan.”

When asked about the shift to only 2 outfielders, LaRussa said there was a great deal of reasoning behind the decision. “We have great ground-ball pitchers with the exception of Waino who’s a strikeout kinda guy, so we figure everything hit should mostly stay in the infield. If someone does hit a fly ball, the organization is confident in the defensive abilities of Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus.” LaRussa went on to say that this alignment was only a trial run and if Ludwick couldn’t cover the entirety of his zone, the defensive responsibilities of both left and center-field would be moved to Rasmus. When asked if he thought the 2009 rookie could handle the responsibility, LaRussa was confident. “That kid is ridiculously fast, so yeah I think he can handle it. I mean, we don’t have a lot of other options.” When questioned about simply finding a replacement for Matt Holliday in left, LaRussa scoffed, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”

Julio Lugo was excited about the possibility of redefining his role with the club. “It’s an honor to be given an everyday position. I was originally concerned when I was told I would be playing 3rd base behind David Freese, because I was not particularly excited about being the #2 man to a rookie, but when I learned I would literally be playing 3rd base standing behind David Freese, that really changed the situation.” Lugo will be labeled as the team’s 3rd basemen in the 2010 season and David Freese will be the “Associate 3rd basemen” for the Cardinals.

John Mozeliak adamantly defended the move to give Freese a shot at a  full-time “3rd basemenish” role, “Look right now, he’s the cheapest… I mean, “best” option we have and this allows us to consolidate our monetary resources as much as possible.” When asked about the current financial situation of the organization, Mozeliak simply pointed to an oil drum full of cash next to his desk labeled “Matt Holliday please, for the love of God, come back to St. Louis fund”

The Cardinals are still working on Freese’s approach at the plate and are trying to refine a better system than hitting coach Mark McGwire yelling “SWING” from the dugout whenever he identifies a pitch for the rookie to hit.

Tony LaRussa was a staunch defender of his managerial move, “Everybody laughed when I hit my pitchers 8th to give Albert more at bats and look at how that worked out,” LaRussa later added, “4-time NL Manager of the Year bitches!”

The Cardinals are eager to try out their new defensive alignment in 2010. When asked if this move showed a lack of confidence in Rookie David Freese, Tony LaRussa responded, "What would give you that idea?" before snickering to himself and walking away.

Colby Rasmus disappointed at not living up to MLB 2K9 statistics

November 18, 2009

Centerfielder Colby Rasmus worried hitting coach Al McRae early in the season by insisting that he was just trying to differentiate between his "regular" and "power" swings.

Cardinal center fielder Colby Rasmus expressed disappointment today after taking time to reflect on his 2009 season. Rasmus admitted disappointment after finishing the year with a lower batting average, fewer home runs and less RBIs than his character in the game MLB 2K9. Rasmus finished his virtual season early in June of 2009 and was hoping that his positive results in the game would translate into success on the field.

“People put a lot of time into these games to make them look and feel as realistic as possible,” said Rasmus, “I thought that how my character performed at the virtual Major League level would let me know how smooth my transition from the minors would go.” Rasmus began his 2K9 season in early February after waiting in line for 7 hours before the midnight release of the game.

“I understood striking out the first few times in the majors, but I thought once I got the hang of the timing, bat speed, and the pitcher’s movements that my batting average would be more reflective of the .837 that my avatar predicted.” Rasmus finished the year with a .251 batting average, which though respectable for a rookie, was far below his anticipations.

“I was really looking forward to a 234 home run, 467 RBI, and 78 stolen base season. I think that would have definitely secured me more votes for Rookie of the Year, and possibly MVP depending on how Albert did,” Rasmus continued, “I thought the majors were just a lot easier than the minors and my numbers would skyrocket when I got here. I was really looking forward to a home run every other at bat or so, but man, real baseball is a lot harder than 2K9 makes it out to be.”

Rasmus also expressed concern about the production of team as a whole. “We weren’t the 160 win team I thought we’d be. I figured we might drop a game or two until we figured out how to get the pitches in the zone and figure out the controls. There would definitely be some gaffs when we accidentally bunted instead of swinging away and threw to the wrong base a few times, but man, I never thought we’d lose a game after the first month or so.”

“Production was way down across the board. Carpenter and Wainwright didn’t combine for over 800 strikeouts and their ERAs were both over 1.00. I really didn’t think they’d be that far away from what their virtual selves depicted, but they both had decent seasons despite have almost double their predicted ERAs and failing to pitch 10 no-hitters apiece. Albert managed to put together another MVP caliber season, but I fully expected him to almost match my numbers and at least triple the home run record.” Rasmus was most taken aback by the fact that the Cardinals were defeated in the NLCS instead of finishing the playoffs with a World Series victory in 11 games. The Cardinals were also expected to outscore their opponents this season 2,745-43.

“I think that my numbers were down because I had to split time with Rick Ankiel. In my season, that guy didn’t see an inning,” Rasmus did have complimentary reports for one member of the Cardinal’s squad. “Jason LaRue played in 51 games this year and that’s way more than I played him. He also had 2 homers and that’s about 2 more than he had the entire season.”

Rasmus is focused on making his 2010 season more closely resemble his video game numbers, but voiced concern about a dip in production after switching the difficulty from “Easy” to “Normal.”

Todd Wellemeyer Still Technically a Candidate for Cy Young

November 17, 2009

In an announcement that shocked baseball today, Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan noted that Cardinal pitcher Todd Wellemeyer is still technically in the running for the NL Cy Young Award.

“Well, I just meant that he was a pitcher and technically every major league pitcher has a chance at winning the Cy Young. I honestly don’t think he’ll even be considered this year. I was just saying that it was still anyone’s race,” Duncan said. The coach later clarified that he was only speculating between the top three candidates, Tim Lincecum, Chris Carpenter, and Adam Wainwright.

When asked about the possibility of Todd Wellemeyer being considered, sports writer Trevor Irwin was less than optimistic, “He had a pretty bad year if I remember correctly. 2008 wasn’t bad for him, but still not near a Cy Young caliber performance. I think we’ll be talking about a few Cardinals when it’s time to vote, but I just don’t think he’ll be in the mix.” Irwin later went on to clarify, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?”

Todd Wellemeyer came into the year filling out the Cardinals rotation but was plagued with stints in the minor leagues and the bullpen after being diagnosed with a condition known as “really horrible performance” and later being trouble by a slight “towering ERA.” Wellemeyer finished the year with a 5.89 ERA, 78 strikeouts, and 80 earned runs.

When asked about a contract extension for the free agent Wellemeyer, Cardinals GM John Mozeliak seemed puzzled by the possibility of resigning the 7 game winner, “Are you serious? I just don’t think he has a place in this club. He did some great things for us in the past, but…do people really think we should resign him? I mean the guy only played in 28 games and gave up 19 home runs.” Mozeliak later went on to add, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?

Wellmeyer is still hopeful for big news in the Cy Young announcements due to the fact that any pitcher is eligible and we’ve just learned that what Todd Wellemeyer did during games is technically still considered pitching.

Cardinals pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was excited to learn today that what he did on the mound this season will still be considered "pitching" and not "tossing the ball to the caatcher" making him elligible for the Cy Young Award

Adam Wainwright Eager to Try Out His New Gold Glove in 2010

November 13, 2009
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Adam Wainwright says he instends to wear his Rawlings Gold Glove award during games next year. “By God, if someone gives you a gift for doing a good job, you use it. That’s just common courtesy.”

Starting pitcher Adam Wainwright started his 2009 award season by being honored along with teammate Yadier Molina as a Rawlings Gold Glove recipient. This is the first time that Wainwright has received the Gold Glove and team officials are concerned with his perception of the award.

“He really thinks he’s actually supposed to use it on a regular basis,” said Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa,”I mean, when he walks out to the mound in 2010, he wants to be wearing the damn thing.” Management is still trying to decide if this will go against their “no-showboating” policy.

Wainwright was very adamant about wearing award next season. “Yeah, I plan to wear it every game. The way I see it, they wouldn’t make the award an actual glove if they didn’t want players to wear it,” Wainwright said after removing the award from it’s stand, “I still don’t know why Albert doesn’t hit with his Silver Slugger bats. I know I would.”

“It will really be an intimidation thing,” said Wainwright, “If a batter wants to hit a liner back at me, so be it. I hope he thinks about it, looks and sees me wearing the Gold Glove, and then thinks ‘Oh man, probably not a good idea after all.'” Wainwright also showed disappointment that other Gold Glove winners did not display their awards as prominently. “If I pitched a ball outside so Yadi could throw down to Albert and pick off a guy taking a big lead at first, and we were all wearing our Gold Gloves? Man, that would be awesome, and you know the guy we picked off would just look at all of them and think ‘Wow, I should have known.'”

Wainwright was also asked about his chances in the Cy Young race. “I think it would be great to win one and all, but the award doesn’t seem to be really functional. What am I going to do with a trophy? I’d much rather have the Gold Glove so I can wear it every game and remind the opposing team how awesome I am.”

“I guess I could put the Cy Young trophy next to the mound when I pitch,” Wainwright continued. “I mean, it would have the same effect. I couldn’t use it in any way, but it would still make batters think twice when they stepped up to the plate. I just want Ryan Howard to step in the batters box, do his ‘stick out the bat routine’ and then see the Cy Young sitting there and think ‘Oh shit, this guy is serious'”

When asked if seeing a pitcher’s Cy Young sitting on the mound would have any effect on his approach at the plate, Cardinal’s slugger Ryan Ludwick responded, “Yeah, I figure any guy who’s enough of a wackjob to set up their awards out on the mound when they’re pitching is definitely unstable enough to throw inside at you and not think twice. I just don’t think anyone’s THAT crazy.” Ludwick then paused before responding, “Oh God, you’re talking about Waino aren’t you?”

Upon hearing about Wainwright’s approach, Albert Pujols has begun plans to construct a trophy case along the first base line.