Posts Tagged ‘pujols’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

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Does Ownership Plan to Move the Cardinal Organization Out of St. Louis?

February 11, 2010

No, No they don’t.

St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

Pros and Cons: Scott Boras- The Man Fans Love To Hate

December 15, 2009

Scott Boras: The Man Baseball Fans Love To Hate

Dennys Reyes Still Looking To Catch Ride Home For Holidays

December 9, 2009

Cardinal's reliever Dennys Reyes is hoping someone will give him a lift home for the holidays since his 1994 Toyota Tacoma has been in the shop for the past 7 years.

Cardinals reliever Dennys Reyes expressed both concern and disdain over the lack of options he had to get back to his hometown of Higuera de Zaragoza in Mexico. As of press time today, Reyes had yet to secure a ride home for Christmas.

Reyes said that he has asked numerous other players for a ride including Julio Lugo, Yadier Molina, and, on the off chance he’s heading that way anyway, Albert Pujols. Dennys says that he offers an outstanding collection of mix CD’s for the ride and knows this awesome taco place in Texas. When asked if he would pitch in for gas, Reyes said he didn’t see the point if someone was heading that way regardless.

“I’m just looking for somebody to help me out this one time,” Reyes said about the need of transportation, “I haven’t really been able to nail down a solid ride home yet and I’d really like to go back and see the fam.” Reyes has spent the last 3 years in the United States during Christmas because he’s been unable to “catch a lift.”

“Last year the Duncan’s invited me over on Christmas and let me crash on their futon in the basement. That was a pretty solid move on their part and I really appreciate it, but I’m still hoping to catch a ride down with somebody if they’re heading that way anyway,” Reyes said he currently doesn’t have any standing invitations of a place to spend Christmas since Chris was traded this past season. “Me and Chris were pretty good friends and I think that’s why I got the invite last year, but with him being traded and all, I’m not sure me and Dave are close enough for him to float me the invitation.”

When asked what his holiday plans were if the petition for a ride went unanswered, Reyes was unsure of how this Christmas would play out. “The year I spent in Kansas City I volunteered at a soup kitchen, and one year I just went to a Ponderosa and took advantage of the buffet. Everything’s closed on Christmas so it’s hard to get a good meal. There’s a Denny’s down the street that says they’re going to be open on Christmas so I might go there for dinner.” When asked if he saw the irony of Dennys Reyes spending Christmas at Denny’s, Reyes said he didn’t see it as ironic, just kinda sad. “Have you ever seen that scene in The Santa Clause where Tim Allen goes to Denny’s on Christmas Eve and spends it with all the other divorced dads who take their kids out? Well, it’s kinda like that, except my kids won’t be there so it will just be me and my country friend steak.”

Reyes said he never encountered this dilemma while playing for Texas and Los Angeles, saying that those places were close enough that he could just “hop a bus home.”

“It’s not like that in St. Louis though,” said Reyes, “It’s gonna be like 250 bucks to get home from here and I can’t afford that kinda cash this time of year. If nobody comes through for me it looks like I’m gonna be spending another year watching all 24 hours of A Christmas Story and spiking my cocoa with some tequila. Merry freakin’ Christmas.”

Reyes was still hopeful of someone being filled with the holiday spirit and giving him a lift. If all else fails, he plans to inquire with Kyle Lohse about at least getting him as far as California.


Area Children Tire of Albert Jr.’s “My Dad Is Cooler Than Your Dad” Comeback

December 7, 2009

In a playground report issued last week, area children unanimously agreed that they were quickly tiring of Albert Pujols Jr. always responding to taunts and boasting with his signature “My dad is cooler than your dad” comment.

“It’s dumb,” said area 4th grader Josh Glueck, “You can’t get into an argument with him because you know eventually it’s going to come back to the fact that his dad plays major league baseball and is a three time MVP and my dad is a real-estate agent,” said Glueck.

Teachers and school administrators seem to also express concern over dealing with the son of a future Hall-of-Famer. “I called him into my office about a year ago for pushing another child on the playground,” recalled Elementary School Principal Earl Parker, “He just looked up at me and asked me who I thought I was telling him what to do. Then, he looked me straight in the face and told me that his dad was the best baseball player of our generation and asked me what i’ve ever done with my life,” tears crept into the corners of Parker’s eyes, “I spent years trying to positively affect the lives of the youth of St. Louis, but when you see a guy who has been in the running for MVP every year since hitting the majors, well you start wondering if you made the right choices in your life.” Allegedly Parker sent Pujols Jr. back to class at that point and spent the remainder of the school day openly weeping in his office.

“I told the kids that we were adopting a needy family during the holidays this year,” said 2nd grade teacher Whitney Paul, “then little Albert raised his hand and informed the class that his dad donates millions of dollars to the needy in the Dominican Republic and holds dozens of charity events for children with Down Syndrome,” said Paul, “After that, I mean, it didn’t really seem that special that we were gonna get some kid a bike this year. Why should we even try when this kid’s dad is out there saving the world and hitting home runs every freakin’ day?”

“He just keeps saying that his dad is the best Cardinal since Stan Musial,” said area child Sherman Fairwood,”He doesn’t care that I have no idea who that is. I don’t even watch baseball. The only reason I know his dad is because every year for Albert Jr’s birthday his dad takes us all to a baseball game and gives us gift bags with Nintendo Wiis and remote control helicopters. I’ll let him win an argument just so I keep getting invited back to his house for sleepovers,” said Fairwood.

Due to the incredible unfairness it presented to the other children, career day at Pujols Jr’s school has been canceled indefinitely.

In all seriousness, the Pujols family does a great deal to benefit those in need. Please visit their site pujolsfamilyfoundation.com and help the man who has given so much to St. Louis give a little more to those who can’t afford a bed to sleep in, let alone attend a baseball game. This holiday season, I urge you to take a closer look at just how amazing #5 and his family are off the field as well.

Classmates of Albert Pujols Jr. are increasingly upset at losing arguements about whose dad is cooler. "You can't really be mad," said one child, "Albert Pujols is really cool."

God Wins National League MVP

November 24, 2009

The Baseball Writers of America announced to the sporting world today that they have unanimously elected God, legendary deity and basis of most Western religions, as the National League Most Valuable Player.  The decision left most baseball analysts surprised at the selection and set off an entirely new approach to most awards in the world of professional sports. Many of the writers were asked to explain their reasoning behind the selection at a press conference held earlier today.

“Well our first instinct was to give it to Pujols. The guy had an outstanding season and really put up some impressive numbers. When we went back to look at some tapes, we realized an important detail that we had overlooked. Every base hit, every home run, and every at bat, Pujols would do something to signal God. Whether that was an upward point, a quick sign of the cross, or throwing up a prayer before a game, he was constantly consulting the Big Man Upstairs before doing all these things that would have made him MVP,” said Matt Fiorello, writer for ESPN. “It made you start wondering where all of this talent was really coming from.”

“It seemed like every interview you had with Pujols, he was giving credit to God for his abilities and the way he was performing,” said Matt Stamp, writer for Sport Illustrated. “It made us question who we should be giving this award to. I mean, if God was behind his 47 home runs, 15 stolen bases and over 100 RBIs, who was really the most valuable player in the National League?”

Pujols was taken aback by the decision, but said that the awarding was fair. “I do play for God, but…well… I guess he gave me my abilities so…I can’t really argue with their decision.” Pujols shook his head and looked with bewilderment skyward before exiting the press-conference. Pujols finished second in voting with 32 unanimous 2nd place votes.

God was extremely pleased with this announcement and felt that this award was “A long time coming.” “I just think it’s about time,” said God through a divine translator later called a “prophet,” “I’ve helped Albert win 2 other MVPs, Silver Slugger Awards, Gold Gloves, and gotten that guy quite a few All-Star nods, very nice of him to give credit where credit is due.” God went on to address the fact that he feels he was snubbed for approximately 73 prior MVP awards in both the American and National Leagues, 37 World Series Rings, and various other athletic awards across sports. “I didn’t see Kobe Bryant sending me one of his NBA Championship Rings and the ‘miracle’ comeback of the Red Sox in 2004? Where was the credit for that one? Yeah, I’m looking at you David Ortiz.”

When asked what he thought of God’s NL MVP win, Joe Mauer, the AL MVP, said that he thought God was good this season, but not great. “Yeah, when you’re playing with a club that has Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday, not to mention the pitching staff of Carpenter and Wainwright, it’s easy to put up some big numbers,” Mauer said.

When asked if he would be sharing the AL MVP honor with The Heavenly Father, Mauer was reluctant to share the spotlight.

“Let’s get this straight, Joe Mauer plays baseball for one man: Joe Mauer.”

2009 NL MVP God says that he had a major hand in the MLB this year but swears he was not a part of the 2009 Yankees WS win. "Kinda the other guy's territory," He said.

Colby Rasmus disappointed at not living up to MLB 2K9 statistics

November 18, 2009

Centerfielder Colby Rasmus worried hitting coach Al McRae early in the season by insisting that he was just trying to differentiate between his "regular" and "power" swings.

Cardinal center fielder Colby Rasmus expressed disappointment today after taking time to reflect on his 2009 season. Rasmus admitted disappointment after finishing the year with a lower batting average, fewer home runs and less RBIs than his character in the game MLB 2K9. Rasmus finished his virtual season early in June of 2009 and was hoping that his positive results in the game would translate into success on the field.

“People put a lot of time into these games to make them look and feel as realistic as possible,” said Rasmus, “I thought that how my character performed at the virtual Major League level would let me know how smooth my transition from the minors would go.” Rasmus began his 2K9 season in early February after waiting in line for 7 hours before the midnight release of the game.

“I understood striking out the first few times in the majors, but I thought once I got the hang of the timing, bat speed, and the pitcher’s movements that my batting average would be more reflective of the .837 that my avatar predicted.” Rasmus finished the year with a .251 batting average, which though respectable for a rookie, was far below his anticipations.

“I was really looking forward to a 234 home run, 467 RBI, and 78 stolen base season. I think that would have definitely secured me more votes for Rookie of the Year, and possibly MVP depending on how Albert did,” Rasmus continued, “I thought the majors were just a lot easier than the minors and my numbers would skyrocket when I got here. I was really looking forward to a home run every other at bat or so, but man, real baseball is a lot harder than 2K9 makes it out to be.”

Rasmus also expressed concern about the production of team as a whole. “We weren’t the 160 win team I thought we’d be. I figured we might drop a game or two until we figured out how to get the pitches in the zone and figure out the controls. There would definitely be some gaffs when we accidentally bunted instead of swinging away and threw to the wrong base a few times, but man, I never thought we’d lose a game after the first month or so.”

“Production was way down across the board. Carpenter and Wainwright didn’t combine for over 800 strikeouts and their ERAs were both over 1.00. I really didn’t think they’d be that far away from what their virtual selves depicted, but they both had decent seasons despite have almost double their predicted ERAs and failing to pitch 10 no-hitters apiece. Albert managed to put together another MVP caliber season, but I fully expected him to almost match my numbers and at least triple the home run record.” Rasmus was most taken aback by the fact that the Cardinals were defeated in the NLCS instead of finishing the playoffs with a World Series victory in 11 games. The Cardinals were also expected to outscore their opponents this season 2,745-43.

“I think that my numbers were down because I had to split time with Rick Ankiel. In my season, that guy didn’t see an inning,” Rasmus did have complimentary reports for one member of the Cardinal’s squad. “Jason LaRue played in 51 games this year and that’s way more than I played him. He also had 2 homers and that’s about 2 more than he had the entire season.”

Rasmus is focused on making his 2010 season more closely resemble his video game numbers, but voiced concern about a dip in production after switching the difficulty from “Easy” to “Normal.”

Adam Wainwright Eager to Try Out His New Gold Glove in 2010

November 13, 2009
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Adam Wainwright says he instends to wear his Rawlings Gold Glove award during games next year. “By God, if someone gives you a gift for doing a good job, you use it. That’s just common courtesy.”

Starting pitcher Adam Wainwright started his 2009 award season by being honored along with teammate Yadier Molina as a Rawlings Gold Glove recipient. This is the first time that Wainwright has received the Gold Glove and team officials are concerned with his perception of the award.

“He really thinks he’s actually supposed to use it on a regular basis,” said Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa,”I mean, when he walks out to the mound in 2010, he wants to be wearing the damn thing.” Management is still trying to decide if this will go against their “no-showboating” policy.

Wainwright was very adamant about wearing award next season. “Yeah, I plan to wear it every game. The way I see it, they wouldn’t make the award an actual glove if they didn’t want players to wear it,” Wainwright said after removing the award from it’s stand, “I still don’t know why Albert doesn’t hit with his Silver Slugger bats. I know I would.”

“It will really be an intimidation thing,” said Wainwright, “If a batter wants to hit a liner back at me, so be it. I hope he thinks about it, looks and sees me wearing the Gold Glove, and then thinks ‘Oh man, probably not a good idea after all.'” Wainwright also showed disappointment that other Gold Glove winners did not display their awards as prominently. “If I pitched a ball outside so Yadi could throw down to Albert and pick off a guy taking a big lead at first, and we were all wearing our Gold Gloves? Man, that would be awesome, and you know the guy we picked off would just look at all of them and think ‘Wow, I should have known.'”

Wainwright was also asked about his chances in the Cy Young race. “I think it would be great to win one and all, but the award doesn’t seem to be really functional. What am I going to do with a trophy? I’d much rather have the Gold Glove so I can wear it every game and remind the opposing team how awesome I am.”

“I guess I could put the Cy Young trophy next to the mound when I pitch,” Wainwright continued. “I mean, it would have the same effect. I couldn’t use it in any way, but it would still make batters think twice when they stepped up to the plate. I just want Ryan Howard to step in the batters box, do his ‘stick out the bat routine’ and then see the Cy Young sitting there and think ‘Oh shit, this guy is serious'”

When asked if seeing a pitcher’s Cy Young sitting on the mound would have any effect on his approach at the plate, Cardinal’s slugger Ryan Ludwick responded, “Yeah, I figure any guy who’s enough of a wackjob to set up their awards out on the mound when they’re pitching is definitely unstable enough to throw inside at you and not think twice. I just don’t think anyone’s THAT crazy.” Ludwick then paused before responding, “Oh God, you’re talking about Waino aren’t you?”

Upon hearing about Wainwright’s approach, Albert Pujols has begun plans to construct a trophy case along the first base line.

Fredbird Agent Scott Boras to Test Open Market

November 12, 2009
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Fredbird recently held a press conference to declare his free agency. Fredbird routinely appears between innings and calls himself "The real starting pitcher" of most games due to assisting with first pitch ceremonies.

After a successful 30 year career with the St. Louis Cardinals, mascot Fredbird will be placed on the open market after the 2 week exclusive bidding period the Cardinals have to renegotiate a contract. Fredbird filed for free agency Tuesday after his current contract expired following the 2009 season. Although Fredbird said he was happy with his role with the NL Central champions, his agent, Scott Boras, said that it is only fair to test the waters with his client.

“Fredbird has really enjoyed being part of a winning franchise such as the Cardinals, but I think he may be ready for a change and honestly a lot of teams are looking for a talent like Fredbird,” said Boras, “I mean you have the Toronto Blue Jays, Pittsburgh Pirates, Washington Nationals  and the Baltimore Orioles. There is just a lot of need for avian mascot talent out there and I believe I represent the best in the business.”

Cardinal’s manager Tony LaRussa was optimistic about reaching a deal with the 30 time Cardinal mascot of the year. “I think he’s happy here, we built a nice team around him in Team Fredbird and I’m confident we’ll be able to reach a deal with him to return to the Cardinals in 2010.” LaRussa said. “I believe we would have looked into a contract extension sooner had we know that he was approaching free agency. Actually I don’t think any of us knew he was actually on contract, we just assumed he was here for the long haul since, well, he’s a cardinal and I’m pretty sure that jersey is sewn into his skin.”

Cardinal’s GM John Mozeliak was more open to a new face for the organization. “It’s not our top priority right now. We appreciate everything that Fredbird has done for the organization, but we also know that Scott Boras has a history of driving clients beyond our price range,” Mozeliak said. “Of course we need a mascot, but depending on what kind of money Fredbird is looking for, there are definitely other options.” When pressed on who the GM had in mind to fill Fredbird’s over-sized foam shoes, Mozeliak tipped his hand that he had already given this some consideration. “We know that the Pirate Parrot from Pittsburgh was very frustrated with his team’s performance last year. He said that overall jubilation was even  lower than expected in  the tough economy and citing that their wave statistics simply were extremely poor when compared to others in the league.”

He also mentioned some in-house options for the role, noting that Louie in AA Springfield has been doing some really great things. “That dugout slide? Genius!” said Mozeliak.

Boras was very hopeful for his clients results in free agency. “The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are currently without a mascot and Fredbird is fairly certain he could pull off that gig with a halo and possibly a harp. Also, we’d like to hear bids from the Dodgers regarding Fredbird’s abilities.”

The New York Yankees have been very interested in Fredbid on the free market. Having recently come off a World Series victory, they are looking at filling the one hole in their squad; the lack of a mascot.

“Sadly, they could definitely drive Fredbird out of our price range,” admitted Mozeliak. Currently the Cardinals are looking at a 30,000 – 40,000  a year contract, but the Yankees could apparently offer up to 55,000 to a mascot talent such as Fredbird. “But hey, that’s Steinbrenner money,” said Mozeliak.

Questions on whether Fredbird would entertain a move to the mascotless Chicago Cubs definitely ruffled some feathers during the press conference.

Boras says that Fredbird is also considering a change of venue and entertaining bids from the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.