Posts Tagged ‘wainwright’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

LaRue Admits to Using Myriad of Non-Performance Enhancing Drugs to Enhance Performance

December 10, 2009

Jason LaRue called an impromptu press conference yesterday in order to announce to the media that he routinly uses non-performance enhancing drugs such as heroin, cocaine, marijuana, speed, ecstasy, mushrooms, angel dust, PCP, methamphetamine, acid, cough syrup,  and keyboard duster spray, often all in the same game, to enhance his playing ability.

“I just..I gotta wanna get this stuff out in the open,” said LaRue during his press conference between fits of slurring and giggling, “I am who I am man, that’s, that’s just Jason being Jason.” LaRue ended the seven minute meeting with the press by releasing a loud “Woooo” and falling off the stage. It should be noted that the backup catcher did this entire conference without a shirt on and leaning on a guy he continuously referred to  as “Pinto.”

When asked about LaRue’s confession of often being “So high he didn’t know what baseball was” during games, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was quick to defend the veteran. “It was the call of the coaching staff on whether or not to play him. In the era of steroids, it was really the least of our worries if one of our guys was downing mushrooms between innings or had to do a couple lines before stepping in the batters box.” LaRussa admitted that there were times when the player’s performance was effected. “Yeah, there were definitely times when me and (pitching coach Dave) Dunc(an) would get together and have to make the call that Jason shouldn’t be breathing, let alone catching a Major League baseball game.”

Baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, said that the league would not be taking action that would taint LaRue’s legacy in baseball. “I don’t really see how it could have possibly given him an edge over the other players in the league,” said Selig, “If anything I’d say it makes his career that much more impressive. Playing baseball at a major league level is an achievement, but doing so while constantly deteriorating your motor skills, reaction time, and hallucinating throughout the entire game, well that seems damn near impossible.” Selig went on to say that all of LaRue’s career statistics will be left alone despite his confession. “Far be it from me to deny his 94 career home runs, 14 stolen bases, and lifetime .232 batting average.” When asked if this would taint his chances at entering the baseball Hall of Fame, Selig said he doubts this will have ANY effect on whether or not Jason LaRue is ever considered. “I don’t think we’ll ever be having that discussion about this player,” Selig said.

In a followup interview with LaRue, reporters questioned why the veteran found it necessary to use large amounts of methamphetamine, acid, and horse-tranquilizers before catching. “Trust me, I wouldn’t have been taking all that stuff if it didn’t improve my performance and make baseball games a lot more laid back,” said LaRue, “but when you have a guy like Jason Motte on the mound throwing 99 MPH fastballs your way, you need something to mellow you out and basically slow down time for a while. It’s really hard to see how an Adam Wainwright curve ball is moving, but when it leaves a rainbow trail behind it, well that makes things a little easier.

When asked about his comments at the earlier press conference, LaRue insists he has no recollection of any press conference happening, but says that over the last 4 days he really has “no damn clue” where he’s been or what he’s been doing.

Upon resigning Jason LaRue, the Cardinals have had to expand the player's locker to make more room for "necessary baseball equipment."

Colby Rasmus disappointed at not living up to MLB 2K9 statistics

November 18, 2009

Centerfielder Colby Rasmus worried hitting coach Al McRae early in the season by insisting that he was just trying to differentiate between his "regular" and "power" swings.

Cardinal center fielder Colby Rasmus expressed disappointment today after taking time to reflect on his 2009 season. Rasmus admitted disappointment after finishing the year with a lower batting average, fewer home runs and less RBIs than his character in the game MLB 2K9. Rasmus finished his virtual season early in June of 2009 and was hoping that his positive results in the game would translate into success on the field.

“People put a lot of time into these games to make them look and feel as realistic as possible,” said Rasmus, “I thought that how my character performed at the virtual Major League level would let me know how smooth my transition from the minors would go.” Rasmus began his 2K9 season in early February after waiting in line for 7 hours before the midnight release of the game.

“I understood striking out the first few times in the majors, but I thought once I got the hang of the timing, bat speed, and the pitcher’s movements that my batting average would be more reflective of the .837 that my avatar predicted.” Rasmus finished the year with a .251 batting average, which though respectable for a rookie, was far below his anticipations.

“I was really looking forward to a 234 home run, 467 RBI, and 78 stolen base season. I think that would have definitely secured me more votes for Rookie of the Year, and possibly MVP depending on how Albert did,” Rasmus continued, “I thought the majors were just a lot easier than the minors and my numbers would skyrocket when I got here. I was really looking forward to a home run every other at bat or so, but man, real baseball is a lot harder than 2K9 makes it out to be.”

Rasmus also expressed concern about the production of team as a whole. “We weren’t the 160 win team I thought we’d be. I figured we might drop a game or two until we figured out how to get the pitches in the zone and figure out the controls. There would definitely be some gaffs when we accidentally bunted instead of swinging away and threw to the wrong base a few times, but man, I never thought we’d lose a game after the first month or so.”

“Production was way down across the board. Carpenter and Wainwright didn’t combine for over 800 strikeouts and their ERAs were both over 1.00. I really didn’t think they’d be that far away from what their virtual selves depicted, but they both had decent seasons despite have almost double their predicted ERAs and failing to pitch 10 no-hitters apiece. Albert managed to put together another MVP caliber season, but I fully expected him to almost match my numbers and at least triple the home run record.” Rasmus was most taken aback by the fact that the Cardinals were defeated in the NLCS instead of finishing the playoffs with a World Series victory in 11 games. The Cardinals were also expected to outscore their opponents this season 2,745-43.

“I think that my numbers were down because I had to split time with Rick Ankiel. In my season, that guy didn’t see an inning,” Rasmus did have complimentary reports for one member of the Cardinal’s squad. “Jason LaRue played in 51 games this year and that’s way more than I played him. He also had 2 homers and that’s about 2 more than he had the entire season.”

Rasmus is focused on making his 2010 season more closely resemble his video game numbers, but voiced concern about a dip in production after switching the difficulty from “Easy” to “Normal.”

Todd Wellemeyer Still Technically a Candidate for Cy Young

November 17, 2009

In an announcement that shocked baseball today, Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan noted that Cardinal pitcher Todd Wellemeyer is still technically in the running for the NL Cy Young Award.

“Well, I just meant that he was a pitcher and technically every major league pitcher has a chance at winning the Cy Young. I honestly don’t think he’ll even be considered this year. I was just saying that it was still anyone’s race,” Duncan said. The coach later clarified that he was only speculating between the top three candidates, Tim Lincecum, Chris Carpenter, and Adam Wainwright.

When asked about the possibility of Todd Wellemeyer being considered, sports writer Trevor Irwin was less than optimistic, “He had a pretty bad year if I remember correctly. 2008 wasn’t bad for him, but still not near a Cy Young caliber performance. I think we’ll be talking about a few Cardinals when it’s time to vote, but I just don’t think he’ll be in the mix.” Irwin later went on to clarify, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?”

Todd Wellemeyer came into the year filling out the Cardinals rotation but was plagued with stints in the minor leagues and the bullpen after being diagnosed with a condition known as “really horrible performance” and later being trouble by a slight “towering ERA.” Wellemeyer finished the year with a 5.89 ERA, 78 strikeouts, and 80 earned runs.

When asked about a contract extension for the free agent Wellemeyer, Cardinals GM John Mozeliak seemed puzzled by the possibility of resigning the 7 game winner, “Are you serious? I just don’t think he has a place in this club. He did some great things for us in the past, but…do people really think we should resign him? I mean the guy only played in 28 games and gave up 19 home runs.” Mozeliak later went on to add, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?

Wellmeyer is still hopeful for big news in the Cy Young announcements due to the fact that any pitcher is eligible and we’ve just learned that what Todd Wellemeyer did during games is technically still considered pitching.

Cardinals pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was excited to learn today that what he did on the mound this season will still be considered "pitching" and not "tossing the ball to the caatcher" making him elligible for the Cy Young Award

Adam Wainwright Eager to Try Out His New Gold Glove in 2010

November 13, 2009
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Adam Wainwright says he instends to wear his Rawlings Gold Glove award during games next year. “By God, if someone gives you a gift for doing a good job, you use it. That’s just common courtesy.”

Starting pitcher Adam Wainwright started his 2009 award season by being honored along with teammate Yadier Molina as a Rawlings Gold Glove recipient. This is the first time that Wainwright has received the Gold Glove and team officials are concerned with his perception of the award.

“He really thinks he’s actually supposed to use it on a regular basis,” said Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa,”I mean, when he walks out to the mound in 2010, he wants to be wearing the damn thing.” Management is still trying to decide if this will go against their “no-showboating” policy.

Wainwright was very adamant about wearing award next season. “Yeah, I plan to wear it every game. The way I see it, they wouldn’t make the award an actual glove if they didn’t want players to wear it,” Wainwright said after removing the award from it’s stand, “I still don’t know why Albert doesn’t hit with his Silver Slugger bats. I know I would.”

“It will really be an intimidation thing,” said Wainwright, “If a batter wants to hit a liner back at me, so be it. I hope he thinks about it, looks and sees me wearing the Gold Glove, and then thinks ‘Oh man, probably not a good idea after all.'” Wainwright also showed disappointment that other Gold Glove winners did not display their awards as prominently. “If I pitched a ball outside so Yadi could throw down to Albert and pick off a guy taking a big lead at first, and we were all wearing our Gold Gloves? Man, that would be awesome, and you know the guy we picked off would just look at all of them and think ‘Wow, I should have known.'”

Wainwright was also asked about his chances in the Cy Young race. “I think it would be great to win one and all, but the award doesn’t seem to be really functional. What am I going to do with a trophy? I’d much rather have the Gold Glove so I can wear it every game and remind the opposing team how awesome I am.”

“I guess I could put the Cy Young trophy next to the mound when I pitch,” Wainwright continued. “I mean, it would have the same effect. I couldn’t use it in any way, but it would still make batters think twice when they stepped up to the plate. I just want Ryan Howard to step in the batters box, do his ‘stick out the bat routine’ and then see the Cy Young sitting there and think ‘Oh shit, this guy is serious'”

When asked if seeing a pitcher’s Cy Young sitting on the mound would have any effect on his approach at the plate, Cardinal’s slugger Ryan Ludwick responded, “Yeah, I figure any guy who’s enough of a wackjob to set up their awards out on the mound when they’re pitching is definitely unstable enough to throw inside at you and not think twice. I just don’t think anyone’s THAT crazy.” Ludwick then paused before responding, “Oh God, you’re talking about Waino aren’t you?”

Upon hearing about Wainwright’s approach, Albert Pujols has begun plans to construct a trophy case along the first base line.