Posts Tagged ‘taguchi’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

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St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

As Hope of Retaining Matt Holiday Fades, Cardinals Sign So Taguchi to Appease Fans

November 10, 2009
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After being re-signed to the St. Louis Cardinals, outfielder So Taguchi reveals that he kept all of his Cardinal gear and routinly wears it on off days.

In a surprise move today, Cardinal’s general manager John Mozeliak announced that the Cardinals have picked up outfielder So Taguchi as negotiations to attain Matt Holliday continue to look grim.

“Taguchi is a great addition to the team. The fans just love that guy and we figured that maybe this would take some focus off the club as Matt Holliday get’s signed to a team that can afford his salary,” said Mozeliak of the unexpected signing. “He’s just a big moral booster, I figure he can jog out and play left field in the 8th or 9th inning, maybe pitch hit once in a while and on off days he can run around up on the dugout with Fredbird and the girls. The fans just seem to go crazy about him.” When asked about a serious replacement option in left field, Mozeliak had no comment.

“I’m very excited about returning to the Cardinals, the fans are just amazing.” Taguchi said through a translator yesterday, “these are the kind of fans who really don’t care if you only bat six times in a season, they just remember that I played here once in a while in ’06 when we won the World Series and that I seemed to always come up with the game on the line and hit a home run. That’s what these fans need, not necessarily a consistent hitter or a ‘good player,’ but one that leaves them wondering ‘how the hell did he pull that off?’ every month or so.”

When asked if he missed playing for the redbirds, Taguchi responded, “Of course. Every time I came to St. Louis with the Phillies or the Cubs the fans would always welcome me back very warmly. I was thrilled at the standing ovations I received. I’m pretty sure that some of the fans in Philadelphia and Chicago didn’t even know who I was. In fact, I’m not sure all of the players knew who I was.” Coaches said that Taguchi would routinely show up to team meetings and practices in Cardinals team gear. Rumor was that Taguchi would be unapologetic when confronted about wear Cardinals T-shirts under his jersey while playing for the Phillies. Taguchi would also reportedly yell the he wanted to “go home” every time he was corrected during practice in Chicago or Philadelphia.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was pleased with the decision to bring on Taguchi. “That kid’s like a little good luck charm, not necessarily good for anything in particular, but having him on your team just makes you feel better about your odds.” LaRussa referred to the ’08 World Champion Phillies saying, “He only appeared in like 80 games for them that season, but they took home a ring, and that’s really all that matters.” When told that the “kid” he was referring to had recently hit his 40th birthday, LaRussa responded “Damn, that guy looks like he’s 17.”

Cardinal’s ace Chris Carpenter was not as excited about the acquisition. “I won a Cy Young, carried our staff to the World Series in 2006 and made the most impressive comeback that anyone has seen in years, but you still see more ‘Taguchi’ jerseys in Busch Stadium than ‘Carpenter.’ I’d just like to remind these fans that he hasn’t even played here in like 3 years.” When asked if he thought Taguchi could somehow help bring the championship back to St. Louis, Carpenter threw his hands up before saying “Probably, somehow that guy has 2 World Series rings which is more than I can say. I’m still not sure how the hell he pulled that off.”