Posts Tagged ‘signing’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

Cardinals Nation Shocked As Chris Duncan’s Brother Signs With Indians

January 5, 2010

Cardinals Nation was stunned to learn that Shelley Duncan, brother of Chris Duncan and son of pitching coach Dave Duncan was signed to the Indians. Fans reportedly never knew that Chris Duncan had a brother.

Cardinals nation was rocked today as news spread that Shelley Duncan, brother of former outfielder Chris Duncan and son of Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan, signed a minor league deal with the Cleveland Indians.

“Holy Shit, Chris Duncan has a brother?” replied Cardinals fan Willie Maclavoy, “And he plays major league baseball too? Wow, that Dave must really have something in those genes.”

Fans were stunned to learn that Chris Duncan indeed had a brother, that he’s been in the big leagues as a player for the Yankees, and that he is almost as bad at baseball as his brother.

“When I saw that Duncan had signed a minor league contract with an invitation to spring training, I figured it made sense,” said local man David Rork, “Chris was really fading. But then when I saw it was Shelley Duncan, I thought that maybe they just had the name wrong or something. I just can’t believe that Dave Duncan has two sons that are both barely good enough to play major league baseball.”

Dave Duncan was weary to talk about Shelley in a recent interview, “Who told you that?” Duncan said when confronted by the media, “You can’t prove he’s my son and…Jesus Christ I thought I had this covered up years ago.”

When Cardinals fans were given the news that catcher Yadier Molina had two brothers, both in the major leagues, and both starting catchers, the most common response was that I was “full of shit.”

Swinging Glaus Travels Many Moons To Braves Seeking Medicine Man

December 29, 2009

The Braves' medicine man, or "trainer" as they like to call him, will try to help Troy Glaus improve his game with Atlanta, possibly setting up his Tipi around first base.

Story passed down by many a Brave tell brother Fredbird Follies that soaring red bird of past, Troy Glaus, has traveled many moon to seek the medicine man of Atlanta Tribe. Brother Big Bat Glaus sign with Tribe in hopes medicine man can heal deep his pains and let him compete in more than 14 contests when the sun gets hot in the mother sky. Glaus hopes to fix many knots in back and replace glass bones with strong steel. Glaus hurt many long harvests with Red Birds and no soar with bat sitting many contest in kiva (dugout). Glaus hope to move like the running deer when mother sky warms and play first base with the power of the mighty brother bear. Glaus hope to use mighty stick to hit ball to where buffalo roam.

Glaus said the Cleveland Indians were also an option.

(I apologize that my Native American sounds like a mix of broken Italian and caveman. If any Native-Americans read this article I deeply apologize and hope that peace may be found in a pipe of some kind. However, I think I actually know everyone that reads this and none of you are Native-American so it shouldn’t be a problem.)

St. Louis Brings In Pitching Staff To Help Them Throw Money At Matt Holliday

December 15, 2009

Matt Holliday is hoping to have a productive season in 2010 if he's not injured in a freak "money flying at him from every imaginable angle" accident.

David Freese DWI News To Be Blown Way Out Of Proportion

December 14, 2009

In what can be called the “perfect storm” for a news-piece, the story of Cardinal 3rd baseman, David Freese, being arrested for a DWI this weekend is about to made such a huge deal that many fans will be lead to believe that this has been the biggest news of the 2009 off-season.

Many factors contributed to this news story making headlines all across St. Louis. First and foremost is the fact that there is absolutely nothing else going on with the St. Louis Cardinals right now. Most sports writers for the Cardinals are begging on the streets and writing obituaries to make ends meet this December as news runs scarce and families of bloggers and beat-writers all over Cardinal Nation go hungry. One Cardinal reporter had this to say about the incident, “Yeah I’m gonna write the shit outta this story. I’m just sad that it wasn’t more interesting and there are no details about it leaked yet. Maybe I’ll add a couple of facts to make it more interesting for readers. Throwing a dead hooker in the trunk should really spice this story up.”

Another large contributing factor is that everyone is really tired of hearing about the possibility of signing free-agent outfielder Matt Holliday. “We’ve been talking about that non-stop since like July when he first showed up,” said Cardinals blogger Daniel Shoptaw, “I just want to write about something different for once. I kinda wish it was something bigger, but we might as well crucify the kid in the media as much as we can since there’s so little going on right now. Nice of the new guy to throw us a bone at a time like this.”

The Cardinals have also had some alcohol-related trouble in the past, with pitcher Josh Hancock being killed in a collision while driving under the influence, and manager Tony LaRussa being charged with a DWI in Florida a few years back. The media is currently trying to find a way to tie all of these non-related stories together into a widespread MLB conspiracy theory or possibly a discrimination angle depending on how much “evidence” they can find to support either case.

David Freese had little to say about the incident, but has gone on record to say that, “This would be a really great time for McGwire to do his press-conference,” due to the fact that it would “really save my rookie ass right about now.”

Cardinal Rookie David Freese was arrested on Saturday for a DWI, making him the most interesting player on the Cardinals right now and the organization's whipping boy for at least a week or two. Freese will most likely be the topic of every Cardinals news-story today, including this one. Sorry Man.

Cardinals Sign Some Guy Who Isn’t Matt Holliday

December 8, 2009

The St. Louis Cardinals recently signed some guy who definately isn't this big, beautiful bastard. Although the Guy-Who-Isn't-Matt-Holliday may pitch better, he apparently lacks in every other aspect of baseball and life.

In a moment of confusion, Cardinals fans wildly celebrated a major signing by the front office during manager’s meetings yesterday. The mass excitement was soon followed by realization, disbelief, and outrage as fans slowly realized that the person they had signed was not outfielder Matt Holliday.

“At first I was totally stoked,” said Cardinal’s fan Brandon Holth, “but then I heard the newscasters repeat the name and realized that they didn’t say Matt Holliday. I thought that I misunderstood, but then I realized that the name they said wasn’t even close to Matt Holliday and that Matt probably wasn’t going to fill a hole in our starting rotation. That’s when I got an odd mixture of confused, angry, and scared all at once.” When Cardinals fans were asked about the signing of the player who is not Matt Holliday, they simply stated that they didn’t know who this Not-Matt-Holliday-Guy was and frankly didn’t care.

Reporters are admittedly having a hard time continuously reporting that the front office wants to, first and foremost, resign Matt Holliday to a contract with the club when they keep signing players who seem to completely lack being Matt Holliday.

“Usually when you say something is your top priority, you take care of that first,” said area news reporter Shawn Elman. “This is like telling your kids that your top priority is buying them a bike for Christmas, then you go out and buy a bunch of other shit and tell them that if you still have money left, then you’ll get them the bike. You might as well tell your kid that you don’t really love them, but you”ll take their opinion into consideration.” Elman then started breaking down into an erratic fit of sobbing. “Actually this is worse. This is like saying that, and then making your kid watch you buy all the shit you don’t need while they just keep saying ‘But Daddy, what about my bike? Are you forgetting about my bike?’ Well I’m not gonna be part of John Mozeliak’s twisted Christmas anymore! I’m not going to lie to the kids and I’m not gonna lie to the people of St. Louis!”

Cardinal’s General Manager John Mozeliak had a positive view on the Non-Matt-Holliday signing. “We think that he’s going to be a real positive member of the 2010 organization. Signing Matt Holliday is still our #1 priority and we look to get that taken care of right away, but we think that this other guy who happens to not be Matt Holliday will really do some great things as well.” When asked why he didn’t take care of the club’s #1 priority before signing away almost 1/3 of the club’s available payroll this off-season, Mozeliak was quick to correct himself, “I mean that signing Matt Holliday is our top priority now. Like, now that we have this guy and Jason LaRue and a minor leaguer squared away, Matt is our priority #1 and I’m pretty sure that I made it clear at the beginning of the off-season that our priorities were: #1 Backup catcher, #2 Minor leaguer, #3 This dude and #4 Matt Holliday. I’m almost positive I laid that out from day one.”

The new player (who please keep in mind is not Matt Holliday) will be introduced at a press conference later this week, pending a physical. Busch Stadium grounds crew were already busy hanging a banner for his arrival which read: “Welcome Back Matt Holliday Brad Penny!”

Tiger Woods Publically Thanks Jason LaRue

December 3, 2009

Tiger Woods came forward today to thank Cardinals' catcher Jason LaRue for signing this week and taking all of the media spotlight off of the golfer's incident. "He's amazing," said Woods, "it's like if the Fonz played baseball."

In a recent press conference attended by very few members of the media who were interested in his second-rate sports story, Tiger Woods announced that he was very thankful his public incident would be overshadowed in the sporting world by the Cardinals resigning veteran catcher Jason LaRue.

“It came at a great time for me and my family,” said Woods in a statement ignored by many in light of the Jason LaRue signing, “I deeply apologize for my actions, but first and for-most I have to extend a warm sense of gratitude to Jason LaRue for…..”

*Note: Our reporter stood up and left the press-conference at this point of Woods’ statement because he got a text message that there was more breaking news on the Jason LaRue signing.

ESPN commentators went into a media frenzy talking about what possible effects this would have on endorsement deals, his family life, and his performance over the next year. “I don’t think we’ll see much effect on his game,” said ESPN announcer Ahmad Rashad, “He has consistently risen to a certain level and that’s what all the great athlete’s do. They might have some big media hype around them and people asking a lot of personal questions, but that’s what separates the people that should play at a professional level and the people who shouldn’t. As far as endorsement deals, I think that this won’t have a long-term effect on any of that. Bottom line is that the guy is a winner and you always want a winner endorsing your brand. If I’m Gillette, I don’t care about all the media buzz, I just want Jason LaRue using my razor to trim his perfectly grown handlebar mustache, period.

When asked if he had any comment on the Tiger Woods story, Rashad claimed to have no knowledge of anything going on. “Even if something did happen, it would be a footnote in the sporting world this week,” Rashad said.

“People wreck cars every day, every single day,” said Sports Illustrated editor Otis Spelling, “but signing a guy like Jason LaRue to a one year deal, man that’s gotta make the cover. I think you’ll be seeing that guy’s face everywhere this week, Sports Illustrated, ESPN the Magazine, Better Homes and Gardens, take it from me, everybody is going to want in on this Jason Larue story. He’s gonna be all over late-night TV, the news, social media, I’m telling you that Jason LaRue is going to be a trending topic on Twitter for at least a couple of days. There just isn’t a lot going on in sports right now.”

Tiger’s publicist said that it’s really a dream situation to have something this big come up right at the time of Tiger’s accident. Rumors have flown about the golf star being involved with domestic abuse, cheating, and a myriad of other things that are not nearly as interesting as Jason LaRue.

When asked about all the good he’s done for  Woods, Jason LaRue down-played his role in saving Tiger’s golf career. “It’s just what I do, I swoop in right when we’re down and do that one thing that leaves all the fans shaking their head,” LaRue said (quite beautifully we might add) “If every move I made wasn’t complete, unadulterated awesomeness? Well then I wouldn’t be Jason LaRue.”

In other news not related to Jason LaRue, the NBA and NFL are still playing this week despite their noticeable lack of bad boy machismo and rock-star facial hair.

St. Louis Officially Declares This Week: Jason LaRue Week

December 1, 2009

Cardinals fans celebrate Jason LaRue week in St. Louis. The scene has already set world records for drunken unruliness and has been described as a mixture of Woodstock and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

In celebration of his triumphant return to St. Louis in 2010, St. Louis has declared this week Jason LaRue week in his honor. Yesterday began the celebration of all that is man with Busch Stadium playing classic rock from their speakers for the entirety of the day. St. Louis reported an overall increase of “bad-assness” in the city limits yesterday and noted an 30% spike in “rocking out.”

Jason LaRue has been a backup to catcher Yadier Molina in his career thus far with the Cardinals. Molina said that he is happy to have LaRue back because of the confidence he instills in the All-Star. “It really gives me a lot of confidence that he lets me go out there and play most days,” Molina said, “The fact that he only caught 140 innings really shows the kind of faith he puts in me back there. I honestly feels that gave me the confidence I needed to become an all-star.” Molina also said that LaRue helped him through a lot of injury trouble, either catching while he recovered or slamming his elbow into the injured area,  giving a thumbs-up and shouting “Ehhh” Fonz-style, to fix any ailment Molina faced.

Tony LaRussa was very complimentary of the veteran. “He brings the defense we’re looking for, a quality bat, and is a great presence in the clubhouse,” LaRussa said, “Plus, man..that guy’s just really awesome. We really just can’t say that enough. He’s baseball’s bad boy and brings a lot of intimidation and street-cred to this club. He’s like Vlad the Impaler mixed with Mother Theresa, and you don’t find players like that every day.”

Jason LaRue was honored with a parade/biker rally today and anyone wearing a bandanna into Mike Shannon’s will receive a free-appetizer. Forever 21 is having a week-long sale in honor of his number and Busch Light in “Camo Cans” is half price.

Although LaRue did a lot to impress last season, his most memorable performance was the division clinching homer vs. the Rockies.

“I remember that day very distinctly,” said Cardinals’ outfielder Ryan Ludwick, “LaRue stood up, grabbed a bat and said ‘time to put an end to this bullshit. The champagne’s gettin’ warm’ Then he got up and hit the home run. It was really inspiring.” The home run clinched the division, caused uproarious joy throughout Cardinals’ Nation and inexplicably impregnated 21 women in the stands.

It is rumored that LaRue had 21 bottles of campaign to himself that night to celebrate and later ate an entire side of raw beef.

Due to LaRue’s number on the Cardinals being 21, St. Louis has momentarily abolished the drinking age in the city. Mayor Francis G. Slay announced earlier that, “This week everyone in St. Louis is 21, or at least we will all get really drunk and try to be that awesome.”

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Jason LaRue Rumored to Return in 2010

November 30, 2009

Since Jason LaRue cannot be photographed directly without the photographer bursting into flames, this picture is a close to the awesomeness of Jason LaRue as the internet can provide. Still, nowhere close.

Rumors flew in Cardinal Nation today as back-up catcher and full-time bad-ass Jason LaRue, signed a contract for 2010. This means that the Cardinals can cross off their #1 priority (Signing a player that can make women faint with pleasure and men cry tears of joy) this off-season. While they know that a contract is only semi-binding, LaRue will likely grace Busch Stadium with his unadulterated awesomeness in 2010.

“The man’s a free spirit, and that’s something you gotta respect when working with Jason LaRue,” said Cardinals’ GM John Mozeliak, “We hope that Jason will choose to catch a few innings in 2010, but it’s really up to him. Jason LaRue plays baseball where he wants, when he wants.”

The Cardinals’ pitching staff was very optimistic about the upcoming season upon hearing the news of LaRue’s return. “Oh Hell Yeah!” exclaimed starting pitcher Adam Wainwright, “That was the key to our staff’s success last year. Yadi caught most of the games, but knowing that if he wasn’t doing the job you had pure machismo with a catcher’s glove waiting in the wings? Well that would make anybody pitch a lot better.”

We were actually granted audience with the baseball great for a short interview after declared that he would add playing Major League Baseball to his extensive list of plans for next season. The interview can be found below:

Q: What made you decide to sign with the Cardinals for 2010?

A: It was a long decision. I took some time off, traveled around the world, was adviser to the pope and Dali Lama for a while, re-watched all my old VHS tapes of Happy Days and thought about my career as a whole. In the end, I decided the sport wouldn’t be near as kick-ass without yours truly, so I decided to come back. Man, that was one hell of a day.

Q: Wow, all of that in one day. What did you do with the rest of your off-season so far?

A: Went deer hunting.

Q: Any success?

A: Mild success. Got 26 deer overall. Killed 8 with my bare hands, 3 with my mustache, 6 by rocking out on my electric guitar, one I landed on jumping out of my tree stand, and the other 8 I killed by practicing my throw down to second, and two of those were with one throw.

Q: How would you describe yourself as a baseball player?

A: I’d say that I’m a mixture of a lion, St. Bernard (the actual Saint, not the dog), and a rattlesnake riding a hippopotamus with Pegasus wings. I mean, you mix those things together and add a catcher’s mask? Bam, classic LaRue.

Q: You’ve kept the handlebar mustache look for sometime now. Besides exuding pure awesomeness, is there a reason for the look?

A: Well…haha…I keep it because when I’m with the ladies (The rest of this quote was so graphic and vulgar that I couldn’t write it under penalty of law)

Q: Any final words for Cardinal Nation?

A: Better dust off that copy of Hank Jr’s “A Country Boy Can Survive,” I’ll be rocking and walking out to that puppy all season long, LaRue style. Oh, that and you’re welcome.

Jason LaRue ended the interview by flashing a “Rock On” hand gesture before mounting a black fire-breathing dragon and flying off into the sunset, his mane of golden hair and luxurious handlebar mustache waving in the wind. What was more impressive was that this happened at 1:30 in the afternoon, which led many to suspect that LaRue had caused the sun to set early on that day, just for the effect of flying off into it.

Busch Stadium is celebrating this glorious day by blasting classic rock from the grounds. If you listen closely, I think you can distantly make out Boston’s “More Than A Feeling.”