Posts Tagged ‘mozeliak’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

Does Ownership Plan to Move the Cardinal Organization Out of St. Louis?

February 11, 2010

No, No they don’t.

St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

Cardinals Sign Some Guy Who Isn’t Matt Holliday

December 8, 2009

The St. Louis Cardinals recently signed some guy who definately isn't this big, beautiful bastard. Although the Guy-Who-Isn't-Matt-Holliday may pitch better, he apparently lacks in every other aspect of baseball and life.

In a moment of confusion, Cardinals fans wildly celebrated a major signing by the front office during manager’s meetings yesterday. The mass excitement was soon followed by realization, disbelief, and outrage as fans slowly realized that the person they had signed was not outfielder Matt Holliday.

“At first I was totally stoked,” said Cardinal’s fan Brandon Holth, “but then I heard the newscasters repeat the name and realized that they didn’t say Matt Holliday. I thought that I misunderstood, but then I realized that the name they said wasn’t even close to Matt Holliday and that Matt probably wasn’t going to fill a hole in our starting rotation. That’s when I got an odd mixture of confused, angry, and scared all at once.” When Cardinals fans were asked about the signing of the player who is not Matt Holliday, they simply stated that they didn’t know who this Not-Matt-Holliday-Guy was and frankly didn’t care.

Reporters are admittedly having a hard time continuously reporting that the front office wants to, first and foremost, resign Matt Holliday to a contract with the club when they keep signing players who seem to completely lack being Matt Holliday.

“Usually when you say something is your top priority, you take care of that first,” said area news reporter Shawn Elman. “This is like telling your kids that your top priority is buying them a bike for Christmas, then you go out and buy a bunch of other shit and tell them that if you still have money left, then you’ll get them the bike. You might as well tell your kid that you don’t really love them, but you”ll take their opinion into consideration.” Elman then started breaking down into an erratic fit of sobbing. “Actually this is worse. This is like saying that, and then making your kid watch you buy all the shit you don’t need while they just keep saying ‘But Daddy, what about my bike? Are you forgetting about my bike?’ Well I’m not gonna be part of John Mozeliak’s twisted Christmas anymore! I’m not going to lie to the kids and I’m not gonna lie to the people of St. Louis!”

Cardinal’s General Manager John Mozeliak had a positive view on the Non-Matt-Holliday signing. “We think that he’s going to be a real positive member of the 2010 organization. Signing Matt Holliday is still our #1 priority and we look to get that taken care of right away, but we think that this other guy who happens to not be Matt Holliday will really do some great things as well.” When asked why he didn’t take care of the club’s #1 priority before signing away almost 1/3 of the club’s available payroll this off-season, Mozeliak was quick to correct himself, “I mean that signing Matt Holliday is our top priority now. Like, now that we have this guy and Jason LaRue and a minor leaguer squared away, Matt is our priority #1 and I’m pretty sure that I made it clear at the beginning of the off-season that our priorities were: #1 Backup catcher, #2 Minor leaguer, #3 This dude and #4 Matt Holliday. I’m almost positive I laid that out from day one.”

The new player (who please keep in mind is not Matt Holliday) will be introduced at a press conference later this week, pending a physical. Busch Stadium grounds crew were already busy hanging a banner for his arrival which read: “Welcome Back Matt Holliday Brad Penny!”

Tiger Woods Publically Thanks Jason LaRue

December 3, 2009

Tiger Woods came forward today to thank Cardinals' catcher Jason LaRue for signing this week and taking all of the media spotlight off of the golfer's incident. "He's amazing," said Woods, "it's like if the Fonz played baseball."

In a recent press conference attended by very few members of the media who were interested in his second-rate sports story, Tiger Woods announced that he was very thankful his public incident would be overshadowed in the sporting world by the Cardinals resigning veteran catcher Jason LaRue.

“It came at a great time for me and my family,” said Woods in a statement ignored by many in light of the Jason LaRue signing, “I deeply apologize for my actions, but first and for-most I have to extend a warm sense of gratitude to Jason LaRue for…..”

*Note: Our reporter stood up and left the press-conference at this point of Woods’ statement because he got a text message that there was more breaking news on the Jason LaRue signing.

ESPN commentators went into a media frenzy talking about what possible effects this would have on endorsement deals, his family life, and his performance over the next year. “I don’t think we’ll see much effect on his game,” said ESPN announcer Ahmad Rashad, “He has consistently risen to a certain level and that’s what all the great athlete’s do. They might have some big media hype around them and people asking a lot of personal questions, but that’s what separates the people that should play at a professional level and the people who shouldn’t. As far as endorsement deals, I think that this won’t have a long-term effect on any of that. Bottom line is that the guy is a winner and you always want a winner endorsing your brand. If I’m Gillette, I don’t care about all the media buzz, I just want Jason LaRue using my razor to trim his perfectly grown handlebar mustache, period.

When asked if he had any comment on the Tiger Woods story, Rashad claimed to have no knowledge of anything going on. “Even if something did happen, it would be a footnote in the sporting world this week,” Rashad said.

“People wreck cars every day, every single day,” said Sports Illustrated editor Otis Spelling, “but signing a guy like Jason LaRue to a one year deal, man that’s gotta make the cover. I think you’ll be seeing that guy’s face everywhere this week, Sports Illustrated, ESPN the Magazine, Better Homes and Gardens, take it from me, everybody is going to want in on this Jason Larue story. He’s gonna be all over late-night TV, the news, social media, I’m telling you that Jason LaRue is going to be a trending topic on Twitter for at least a couple of days. There just isn’t a lot going on in sports right now.”

Tiger’s publicist said that it’s really a dream situation to have something this big come up right at the time of Tiger’s accident. Rumors have flown about the golf star being involved with domestic abuse, cheating, and a myriad of other things that are not nearly as interesting as Jason LaRue.

When asked about all the good he’s done for  Woods, Jason LaRue down-played his role in saving Tiger’s golf career. “It’s just what I do, I swoop in right when we’re down and do that one thing that leaves all the fans shaking their head,” LaRue said (quite beautifully we might add) “If every move I made wasn’t complete, unadulterated awesomeness? Well then I wouldn’t be Jason LaRue.”

In other news not related to Jason LaRue, the NBA and NFL are still playing this week despite their noticeable lack of bad boy machismo and rock-star facial hair.

Cardinals planning to move to a 5 infield, 2 outfield alignment in 2010

November 19, 2009

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa spoke briefly today about a shift in the defensive alignment that the club will enact in 2010. In light of struggling negotiations for a left field option, they will instead opt to play Colby Ramus in left-center,  Ryan Ludwick in right-center, and 5 positions on the infield.

“We feel it’s a good call,” said Tony LaRussa of the unprecedented move in the defensive alignment, “We’re very confident in the defensive abilities of both Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus so we think we can get by with just those two out there. Skip has adjusted so well to 2nd base that we’d hate to switch him again, Brendan Ryan has been solid at shortstop, Julio Lugo has proven to be a valuable member of this club, Albert is a Gold Glover, and David Freese…well that kid is really trying, so we feel really good about those five as our infield.” The Cardinals have already drawn up what the new defense will look like. It primarily consists of a regular infield with Julio Lugo standing directly behind David Freese.

“We were originally a little concerned about Freese’s defense at 3rd, but we really think this will alleviate our worries,” said LaRussa, “We want to give David a chance to prove himself and this will take a lot of the pressure off of him since he won’t have to worry about making defensive stops all the time. This way if he catches the ball that’s great, but if not, Lugo will be there to ensure that we don’t suffer on defense. We also know that anything remotely to his left will be taken care of by Brendan Ryan.”

When asked about the shift to only 2 outfielders, LaRussa said there was a great deal of reasoning behind the decision. “We have great ground-ball pitchers with the exception of Waino who’s a strikeout kinda guy, so we figure everything hit should mostly stay in the infield. If someone does hit a fly ball, the organization is confident in the defensive abilities of Ryan Ludwick and Colby Rasmus.” LaRussa went on to say that this alignment was only a trial run and if Ludwick couldn’t cover the entirety of his zone, the defensive responsibilities of both left and center-field would be moved to Rasmus. When asked if he thought the 2009 rookie could handle the responsibility, LaRussa was confident. “That kid is ridiculously fast, so yeah I think he can handle it. I mean, we don’t have a lot of other options.” When questioned about simply finding a replacement for Matt Holliday in left, LaRussa scoffed, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.”

Julio Lugo was excited about the possibility of redefining his role with the club. “It’s an honor to be given an everyday position. I was originally concerned when I was told I would be playing 3rd base behind David Freese, because I was not particularly excited about being the #2 man to a rookie, but when I learned I would literally be playing 3rd base standing behind David Freese, that really changed the situation.” Lugo will be labeled as the team’s 3rd basemen in the 2010 season and David Freese will be the “Associate 3rd basemen” for the Cardinals.

John Mozeliak adamantly defended the move to give Freese a shot at a  full-time “3rd basemenish” role, “Look right now, he’s the cheapest… I mean, “best” option we have and this allows us to consolidate our monetary resources as much as possible.” When asked about the current financial situation of the organization, Mozeliak simply pointed to an oil drum full of cash next to his desk labeled “Matt Holliday please, for the love of God, come back to St. Louis fund”

The Cardinals are still working on Freese’s approach at the plate and are trying to refine a better system than hitting coach Mark McGwire yelling “SWING” from the dugout whenever he identifies a pitch for the rookie to hit.

Tony LaRussa was a staunch defender of his managerial move, “Everybody laughed when I hit my pitchers 8th to give Albert more at bats and look at how that worked out,” LaRussa later added, “4-time NL Manager of the Year bitches!”

The Cardinals are eager to try out their new defensive alignment in 2010. When asked if this move showed a lack of confidence in Rookie David Freese, Tony LaRussa responded, "What would give you that idea?" before snickering to himself and walking away.

Todd Wellemeyer Still Technically a Candidate for Cy Young

November 17, 2009

In an announcement that shocked baseball today, Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan noted that Cardinal pitcher Todd Wellemeyer is still technically in the running for the NL Cy Young Award.

“Well, I just meant that he was a pitcher and technically every major league pitcher has a chance at winning the Cy Young. I honestly don’t think he’ll even be considered this year. I was just saying that it was still anyone’s race,” Duncan said. The coach later clarified that he was only speculating between the top three candidates, Tim Lincecum, Chris Carpenter, and Adam Wainwright.

When asked about the possibility of Todd Wellemeyer being considered, sports writer Trevor Irwin was less than optimistic, “He had a pretty bad year if I remember correctly. 2008 wasn’t bad for him, but still not near a Cy Young caliber performance. I think we’ll be talking about a few Cardinals when it’s time to vote, but I just don’t think he’ll be in the mix.” Irwin later went on to clarify, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?”

Todd Wellemeyer came into the year filling out the Cardinals rotation but was plagued with stints in the minor leagues and the bullpen after being diagnosed with a condition known as “really horrible performance” and later being trouble by a slight “towering ERA.” Wellemeyer finished the year with a 5.89 ERA, 78 strikeouts, and 80 earned runs.

When asked about a contract extension for the free agent Wellemeyer, Cardinals GM John Mozeliak seemed puzzled by the possibility of resigning the 7 game winner, “Are you serious? I just don’t think he has a place in this club. He did some great things for us in the past, but…do people really think we should resign him? I mean the guy only played in 28 games and gave up 19 home runs.” Mozeliak later went on to add, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?

Wellmeyer is still hopeful for big news in the Cy Young announcements due to the fact that any pitcher is eligible and we’ve just learned that what Todd Wellemeyer did during games is technically still considered pitching.

Cardinals pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was excited to learn today that what he did on the mound this season will still be considered "pitching" and not "tossing the ball to the caatcher" making him elligible for the Cy Young Award

Fredbird Agent Scott Boras to Test Open Market

November 12, 2009
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Fredbird recently held a press conference to declare his free agency. Fredbird routinely appears between innings and calls himself "The real starting pitcher" of most games due to assisting with first pitch ceremonies.

After a successful 30 year career with the St. Louis Cardinals, mascot Fredbird will be placed on the open market after the 2 week exclusive bidding period the Cardinals have to renegotiate a contract. Fredbird filed for free agency Tuesday after his current contract expired following the 2009 season. Although Fredbird said he was happy with his role with the NL Central champions, his agent, Scott Boras, said that it is only fair to test the waters with his client.

“Fredbird has really enjoyed being part of a winning franchise such as the Cardinals, but I think he may be ready for a change and honestly a lot of teams are looking for a talent like Fredbird,” said Boras, “I mean you have the Toronto Blue Jays, Pittsburgh Pirates, Washington Nationals  and the Baltimore Orioles. There is just a lot of need for avian mascot talent out there and I believe I represent the best in the business.”

Cardinal’s manager Tony LaRussa was optimistic about reaching a deal with the 30 time Cardinal mascot of the year. “I think he’s happy here, we built a nice team around him in Team Fredbird and I’m confident we’ll be able to reach a deal with him to return to the Cardinals in 2010.” LaRussa said. “I believe we would have looked into a contract extension sooner had we know that he was approaching free agency. Actually I don’t think any of us knew he was actually on contract, we just assumed he was here for the long haul since, well, he’s a cardinal and I’m pretty sure that jersey is sewn into his skin.”

Cardinal’s GM John Mozeliak was more open to a new face for the organization. “It’s not our top priority right now. We appreciate everything that Fredbird has done for the organization, but we also know that Scott Boras has a history of driving clients beyond our price range,” Mozeliak said. “Of course we need a mascot, but depending on what kind of money Fredbird is looking for, there are definitely other options.” When pressed on who the GM had in mind to fill Fredbird’s over-sized foam shoes, Mozeliak tipped his hand that he had already given this some consideration. “We know that the Pirate Parrot from Pittsburgh was very frustrated with his team’s performance last year. He said that overall jubilation was even  lower than expected in  the tough economy and citing that their wave statistics simply were extremely poor when compared to others in the league.”

He also mentioned some in-house options for the role, noting that Louie in AA Springfield has been doing some really great things. “That dugout slide? Genius!” said Mozeliak.

Boras was very hopeful for his clients results in free agency. “The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are currently without a mascot and Fredbird is fairly certain he could pull off that gig with a halo and possibly a harp. Also, we’d like to hear bids from the Dodgers regarding Fredbird’s abilities.”

The New York Yankees have been very interested in Fredbid on the free market. Having recently come off a World Series victory, they are looking at filling the one hole in their squad; the lack of a mascot.

“Sadly, they could definitely drive Fredbird out of our price range,” admitted Mozeliak. Currently the Cardinals are looking at a 30,000 – 40,000  a year contract, but the Yankees could apparently offer up to 55,000 to a mascot talent such as Fredbird. “But hey, that’s Steinbrenner money,” said Mozeliak.

Questions on whether Fredbird would entertain a move to the mascotless Chicago Cubs definitely ruffled some feathers during the press conference.

Boras says that Fredbird is also considering a change of venue and entertaining bids from the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.

Washington Nationals Offer to Trade Entire 40-Man Roster, Farm System and Ballpark for Albert Pujols

November 11, 2009
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The Washingotn Nationals spoke with Cardinals management about trading their entire Major League Baseball Team after assuring management that they were a Major League Baseball Team

The Washington Nationals made it clear that they are looking for a franchise player this off-season after a disappointing 58-103 finish. The Nationals seem to be making a serious effort at an improved record in 2010 as they recently approached St. Louis GM John Mozeliak to trade for 8-time all-star, Albert Pujols.

When Nationals GM Mike Rizzo entered into trade negotiations with Mozeliak during meetings this November about attaining the 2-time NL MVP, there seemed to be little chance at striking a serious deal. “Signing Albert Pujols to a long-term contract to stay in St. Louis is one of our top priorities this off-season,” said Cards GM Mozeliak, “Any talks of trading him at this point seem entirely out of the question.”

Nationals GM Rizzo started by offering the entire Washington infield for Pujols. When that was largley laughed off, Rizzo upped the deal by including the rest of the Nationals’ 40-Man active roster. “We felt that was a pretty fair deal,” said Rizzo, “I mean that includes Ryan Zimmerman and he just won another gold glove this year. Plus we have…well…definately some other guys on there that are decent.”

Noting the Cardinal’s recently depleted farm system after trades for Mark Derosa and Matt Holliday, Rizzo eventually threw in the entire Washington National’s farm system, including all players in their AAA New Orleans club, AA Harrisburg, both single A clubs, their short A team in Vermont and both Rookie teams. “We know that would leave us short handed in the future,” noted Rizzo, “but we feel Albert Pujols is an amazing player and one that we can not only build a franchise around, but can actually be a complete franchise by himself.”

In a final, last ditch effort to acquire Pujols, Rizzo offered Nationals Stadium with the previous deal, but assured Mozeliak that was his final offer. “Yeah, that was a tough package to turn down. I mean, we’d essentially have two major league baseball franchises, but this is Albert Pujols we’re talking about and…well it’s the Washington Nationals so I’m not really sure we would really benefit from having the players, but the stadium would have definitely been a nice practice facility,” said Mozeliak

Pujols was relieved when he discovered that trade talks with the Nationals had largely fallen through. “I have made it very clear that I love this city and would like to stay here,” Pujols said. “As much as I would have enjoyed being the Washington Nationals, I think it’s best I stay here where my family is comfortable, my charities are thriving, and I actually have a team to play on.”

Reportedly John Mozeliak is  entertaining the proposition to trade pitcher Kyle Lohse for Washington’s  starting rotation and bullpen.

 

As Hope of Retaining Matt Holiday Fades, Cardinals Sign So Taguchi to Appease Fans

November 10, 2009
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After being re-signed to the St. Louis Cardinals, outfielder So Taguchi reveals that he kept all of his Cardinal gear and routinly wears it on off days.

In a surprise move today, Cardinal’s general manager John Mozeliak announced that the Cardinals have picked up outfielder So Taguchi as negotiations to attain Matt Holliday continue to look grim.

“Taguchi is a great addition to the team. The fans just love that guy and we figured that maybe this would take some focus off the club as Matt Holliday get’s signed to a team that can afford his salary,” said Mozeliak of the unexpected signing. “He’s just a big moral booster, I figure he can jog out and play left field in the 8th or 9th inning, maybe pitch hit once in a while and on off days he can run around up on the dugout with Fredbird and the girls. The fans just seem to go crazy about him.” When asked about a serious replacement option in left field, Mozeliak had no comment.

“I’m very excited about returning to the Cardinals, the fans are just amazing.” Taguchi said through a translator yesterday, “these are the kind of fans who really don’t care if you only bat six times in a season, they just remember that I played here once in a while in ’06 when we won the World Series and that I seemed to always come up with the game on the line and hit a home run. That’s what these fans need, not necessarily a consistent hitter or a ‘good player,’ but one that leaves them wondering ‘how the hell did he pull that off?’ every month or so.”

When asked if he missed playing for the redbirds, Taguchi responded, “Of course. Every time I came to St. Louis with the Phillies or the Cubs the fans would always welcome me back very warmly. I was thrilled at the standing ovations I received. I’m pretty sure that some of the fans in Philadelphia and Chicago didn’t even know who I was. In fact, I’m not sure all of the players knew who I was.” Coaches said that Taguchi would routinely show up to team meetings and practices in Cardinals team gear. Rumor was that Taguchi would be unapologetic when confronted about wear Cardinals T-shirts under his jersey while playing for the Phillies. Taguchi would also reportedly yell the he wanted to “go home” every time he was corrected during practice in Chicago or Philadelphia.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was pleased with the decision to bring on Taguchi. “That kid’s like a little good luck charm, not necessarily good for anything in particular, but having him on your team just makes you feel better about your odds.” LaRussa referred to the ’08 World Champion Phillies saying, “He only appeared in like 80 games for them that season, but they took home a ring, and that’s really all that matters.” When told that the “kid” he was referring to had recently hit his 40th birthday, LaRussa responded “Damn, that guy looks like he’s 17.”

Cardinal’s ace Chris Carpenter was not as excited about the acquisition. “I won a Cy Young, carried our staff to the World Series in 2006 and made the most impressive comeback that anyone has seen in years, but you still see more ‘Taguchi’ jerseys in Busch Stadium than ‘Carpenter.’ I’d just like to remind these fans that he hasn’t even played here in like 3 years.” When asked if he thought Taguchi could somehow help bring the championship back to St. Louis, Carpenter threw his hands up before saying “Probably, somehow that guy has 2 World Series rings which is more than I can say. I’m still not sure how the hell he pulled that off.”