Posts Tagged ‘matt holliday’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

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St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

St. Louis Brings In Pitching Staff To Help Them Throw Money At Matt Holliday

December 15, 2009

Matt Holliday is hoping to have a productive season in 2010 if he's not injured in a freak "money flying at him from every imaginable angle" accident.

David Freese DWI News To Be Blown Way Out Of Proportion

December 14, 2009

In what can be called the “perfect storm” for a news-piece, the story of Cardinal 3rd baseman, David Freese, being arrested for a DWI this weekend is about to made such a huge deal that many fans will be lead to believe that this has been the biggest news of the 2009 off-season.

Many factors contributed to this news story making headlines all across St. Louis. First and foremost is the fact that there is absolutely nothing else going on with the St. Louis Cardinals right now. Most sports writers for the Cardinals are begging on the streets and writing obituaries to make ends meet this December as news runs scarce and families of bloggers and beat-writers all over Cardinal Nation go hungry. One Cardinal reporter had this to say about the incident, “Yeah I’m gonna write the shit outta this story. I’m just sad that it wasn’t more interesting and there are no details about it leaked yet. Maybe I’ll add a couple of facts to make it more interesting for readers. Throwing a dead hooker in the trunk should really spice this story up.”

Another large contributing factor is that everyone is really tired of hearing about the possibility of signing free-agent outfielder Matt Holliday. “We’ve been talking about that non-stop since like July when he first showed up,” said Cardinals blogger Daniel Shoptaw, “I just want to write about something different for once. I kinda wish it was something bigger, but we might as well crucify the kid in the media as much as we can since there’s so little going on right now. Nice of the new guy to throw us a bone at a time like this.”

The Cardinals have also had some alcohol-related trouble in the past, with pitcher Josh Hancock being killed in a collision while driving under the influence, and manager Tony LaRussa being charged with a DWI in Florida a few years back. The media is currently trying to find a way to tie all of these non-related stories together into a widespread MLB conspiracy theory or possibly a discrimination angle depending on how much “evidence” they can find to support either case.

David Freese had little to say about the incident, but has gone on record to say that, “This would be a really great time for McGwire to do his press-conference,” due to the fact that it would “really save my rookie ass right about now.”

Cardinal Rookie David Freese was arrested on Saturday for a DWI, making him the most interesting player on the Cardinals right now and the organization's whipping boy for at least a week or two. Freese will most likely be the topic of every Cardinals news-story today, including this one. Sorry Man.

Cardinals Sign Some Guy Who Isn’t Matt Holliday

December 8, 2009

The St. Louis Cardinals recently signed some guy who definately isn't this big, beautiful bastard. Although the Guy-Who-Isn't-Matt-Holliday may pitch better, he apparently lacks in every other aspect of baseball and life.

In a moment of confusion, Cardinals fans wildly celebrated a major signing by the front office during manager’s meetings yesterday. The mass excitement was soon followed by realization, disbelief, and outrage as fans slowly realized that the person they had signed was not outfielder Matt Holliday.

“At first I was totally stoked,” said Cardinal’s fan Brandon Holth, “but then I heard the newscasters repeat the name and realized that they didn’t say Matt Holliday. I thought that I misunderstood, but then I realized that the name they said wasn’t even close to Matt Holliday and that Matt probably wasn’t going to fill a hole in our starting rotation. That’s when I got an odd mixture of confused, angry, and scared all at once.” When Cardinals fans were asked about the signing of the player who is not Matt Holliday, they simply stated that they didn’t know who this Not-Matt-Holliday-Guy was and frankly didn’t care.

Reporters are admittedly having a hard time continuously reporting that the front office wants to, first and foremost, resign Matt Holliday to a contract with the club when they keep signing players who seem to completely lack being Matt Holliday.

“Usually when you say something is your top priority, you take care of that first,” said area news reporter Shawn Elman. “This is like telling your kids that your top priority is buying them a bike for Christmas, then you go out and buy a bunch of other shit and tell them that if you still have money left, then you’ll get them the bike. You might as well tell your kid that you don’t really love them, but you”ll take their opinion into consideration.” Elman then started breaking down into an erratic fit of sobbing. “Actually this is worse. This is like saying that, and then making your kid watch you buy all the shit you don’t need while they just keep saying ‘But Daddy, what about my bike? Are you forgetting about my bike?’ Well I’m not gonna be part of John Mozeliak’s twisted Christmas anymore! I’m not going to lie to the kids and I’m not gonna lie to the people of St. Louis!”

Cardinal’s General Manager John Mozeliak had a positive view on the Non-Matt-Holliday signing. “We think that he’s going to be a real positive member of the 2010 organization. Signing Matt Holliday is still our #1 priority and we look to get that taken care of right away, but we think that this other guy who happens to not be Matt Holliday will really do some great things as well.” When asked why he didn’t take care of the club’s #1 priority before signing away almost 1/3 of the club’s available payroll this off-season, Mozeliak was quick to correct himself, “I mean that signing Matt Holliday is our top priority now. Like, now that we have this guy and Jason LaRue and a minor leaguer squared away, Matt is our priority #1 and I’m pretty sure that I made it clear at the beginning of the off-season that our priorities were: #1 Backup catcher, #2 Minor leaguer, #3 This dude and #4 Matt Holliday. I’m almost positive I laid that out from day one.”

The new player (who please keep in mind is not Matt Holliday) will be introduced at a press conference later this week, pending a physical. Busch Stadium grounds crew were already busy hanging a banner for his arrival which read: “Welcome Back Matt Holliday Brad Penny!”

Holliday Family Celebrates Rough Thanksgiving While Matt is Between Jobs

November 25, 2009

Free Agent Matt Holliday is trying to support his family during his unemployment. He's currently filling out applications with the MLB for a permanent position in the spring and at Best Buy for seasonal help.

This Thanksgiving will be a somber one for the family of Cardinal free agent, Matt Holliday. Holliday recently reached free agency this November and is currently looking for a position within his skill set in Major League Baseball.

“It’s gonna be a tough year. With this economy, you just have to hope for the best. It was great to find a position with the Cardinals, even though I knew going in it was going to be temporary.” Holliday said while flipping through the weekly help wanted ads. “It’s great to add National League Central Champion to my resume. Hopefully that will get me some looks from some organizations.” While Holliday remains hopeful, sources say that the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the New York Yankees have already stated that they will be passing up Holliday for other applicants.

“He’s a great player and all, he just didn’t really have the qualities we were looking for in an applicant,” said Yankee’s GM Brian Cashman, “Plus we’re trying to find placed for Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon. Those two have been with the organization for a while now and we’re big on employee loyalty. We just couldn’t really find it in our hearts to let one of those guys go after what they’ve done for us this past year. I’m not gonna look one of those two in the eye and tell them that we’re bringing in someone else to do their job. Come on man, it’s the holidays.”

Holliday says that he is thankful for his family who have been extremely supportive throughout the entire ordeal. “We’re gonna stand behind Matt through this tough time. He’s done a lot to support his family and we support his career choice,” said Holliday’s wife Leslee in a statement issued last week. The life of a baseball player can often be a difficult one, with travel being routinely required, contracts usually only lasting a few years, and a lot of teams issuing performance based incentives. “He’s worked hard to get to this position in his career, and while it’s tough for a family to have a member unemployed during these hard economic times, me and Matt will be a united front and I’m confident that our family will make it through this.”

The Hollidays are currently living off of their savings. Matt was fortunate enough to hold a position with the Oakland Athletics and the St. Louis Cardinals this past year and made 11.5 million dollars between the 08 and 09 seasons. “That’s gonna help us get through this. I was fortunate enough to put some of that money back into savings so I’m confident that even though things may be tight. We’ll make it,” said Holliday.

Holliday said he has considered taking other positions since the tough economy makes finding a job hard these days. “I have thought of taking a position in maybe right field, or as a medical assistant or middle management somewhere. I know I just have to be flexible.” Holliday maintains the fact that he would like to stay in the MLB. “I know it’s hard to get back into the industry if you make a career change, so I’m hoping something opens up. So far the only team I’ve seen taking out help-wanted ads are the Baltimore Orioles and I’m just not sure that’s a place I want to work,” said Holliday.

Holliday said he hopes to get signed soon. “I just can’t bare to look my family in the eyes and tell them that we only have about $500,000 to spend on Christmas this year. That’s not something a father ever wants to do.”

If you would like to help this family during their time of need, donations can be sent to:

St. Louis Cardinals’ Free Agent Fund

100 S 4th St

Saint Louis, MO 63102

 

As Hope of Retaining Matt Holiday Fades, Cardinals Sign So Taguchi to Appease Fans

November 10, 2009
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After being re-signed to the St. Louis Cardinals, outfielder So Taguchi reveals that he kept all of his Cardinal gear and routinly wears it on off days.

In a surprise move today, Cardinal’s general manager John Mozeliak announced that the Cardinals have picked up outfielder So Taguchi as negotiations to attain Matt Holliday continue to look grim.

“Taguchi is a great addition to the team. The fans just love that guy and we figured that maybe this would take some focus off the club as Matt Holliday get’s signed to a team that can afford his salary,” said Mozeliak of the unexpected signing. “He’s just a big moral booster, I figure he can jog out and play left field in the 8th or 9th inning, maybe pitch hit once in a while and on off days he can run around up on the dugout with Fredbird and the girls. The fans just seem to go crazy about him.” When asked about a serious replacement option in left field, Mozeliak had no comment.

“I’m very excited about returning to the Cardinals, the fans are just amazing.” Taguchi said through a translator yesterday, “these are the kind of fans who really don’t care if you only bat six times in a season, they just remember that I played here once in a while in ’06 when we won the World Series and that I seemed to always come up with the game on the line and hit a home run. That’s what these fans need, not necessarily a consistent hitter or a ‘good player,’ but one that leaves them wondering ‘how the hell did he pull that off?’ every month or so.”

When asked if he missed playing for the redbirds, Taguchi responded, “Of course. Every time I came to St. Louis with the Phillies or the Cubs the fans would always welcome me back very warmly. I was thrilled at the standing ovations I received. I’m pretty sure that some of the fans in Philadelphia and Chicago didn’t even know who I was. In fact, I’m not sure all of the players knew who I was.” Coaches said that Taguchi would routinely show up to team meetings and practices in Cardinals team gear. Rumor was that Taguchi would be unapologetic when confronted about wear Cardinals T-shirts under his jersey while playing for the Phillies. Taguchi would also reportedly yell the he wanted to “go home” every time he was corrected during practice in Chicago or Philadelphia.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was pleased with the decision to bring on Taguchi. “That kid’s like a little good luck charm, not necessarily good for anything in particular, but having him on your team just makes you feel better about your odds.” LaRussa referred to the ’08 World Champion Phillies saying, “He only appeared in like 80 games for them that season, but they took home a ring, and that’s really all that matters.” When told that the “kid” he was referring to had recently hit his 40th birthday, LaRussa responded “Damn, that guy looks like he’s 17.”

Cardinal’s ace Chris Carpenter was not as excited about the acquisition. “I won a Cy Young, carried our staff to the World Series in 2006 and made the most impressive comeback that anyone has seen in years, but you still see more ‘Taguchi’ jerseys in Busch Stadium than ‘Carpenter.’ I’d just like to remind these fans that he hasn’t even played here in like 3 years.” When asked if he thought Taguchi could somehow help bring the championship back to St. Louis, Carpenter threw his hands up before saying “Probably, somehow that guy has 2 World Series rings which is more than I can say. I’m still not sure how the hell he pulled that off.”