Posts Tagged ‘LaRue’

Area Man Deams New Cap Dance Impossible

April 3, 2011

Tim Fri has officially retired from even trying to keep up with the new cap dance at Busch Stadium citing the reason of it being "Complete impossible Bullshit"

(St. Louis, Mo) In a fit of frustration and inebriation today, local man Tim Fri lost all hope of keeping track of the cap dance for this game and every future game, deeming the damn thing impossible. The new dance lost Fri’s attention in an astonishing 2.5 seconds and he was unable to recover from the brief lapse in focus.

“What the hell was that?” screamed as exasperated Fri, “No way, no damn way can anybody keep up with that. Did you see that, it went like 50 times faster than it wass last year. Bullshit!”

Fri was excited for the new season in St. Louis and noted a myriad of improvements over the previous year. He was extremely pleased with the new concession options, more flexible ticket pricing and swears that the upper deck seats are noticeably softer. Although he rates his overall experience as positive, he was visible frustrated by his inability to complete the cap dance, a problem which bothered him throughout the 2nd and 3rd innings.

“This is supposed to be an atmosphere for the kids! Then they start making that cap dance so f*@#ing hard and no kid is gonna want to come anymore.” Fri stated between sips of his beer “I mean, you guys saw that right” he said, turning to the crowd “Total bullshit!”

Fri was quiet through most of the latter part of the game until a botched fielding error by shortstop Ryan Theriot started him on a string of obscenities that later led him back to the topic of the cap dance debacle.

“Catch the damn ball! That thing wasn’t moving half as fast as that damn cap dance! I’d understand if the f@#$ing thing moved that fast, but come on! Make a damn play!”

Fri was later escorted out of the park in the 8th after complaints from surrounding families about his public drunkenness and inability to just “let some things go.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll leave, I don’t care!” Fri screamed while being escorted away “But that f@#$ing cap dance is Bullshit! You hear me? BULLSHIT!!!!”

St. Louis Cardinals to Base Their 2010 Season Around The Second Mighty Ducks Movie

January 20, 2010

(St. Louis, MO) In a perplexing phone interview today, Cardinals management announced a shift in club ideology. Cardinal GM John Mozeliak and coach Tony LaRussa said that they will be altering their current plan of action in 2010 to try to bring another world championship to St. Louis. They announced that they will make every coaching and managerial move to try to make the 2010 Cardinals reflective of the 1994 Disney Picture, D2: The Mighty Ducks.

“We think this is a brilliant plan,” said Mozeliak, “Last year it appeared we had all the pieces. We had tons of talent, were the clear favorites to advance to the World Series for the National League, and what happens? We lose to those underdog Dodgers. So we just started thinking, what do you do when you want to make a great team even better? You keep the same exact players, get rid of the people that no one remembers, and find about 5 new people that have quirky, one in a million abilities. Bam, World Champions.”

Mozeliak and LaRussa devised this management strategy while they were sitting at Tony LaRussa’s California home and smoking pot creatively brainstorming. After a run to the local White Castle, they came back and started watching D2, because in the words of LaRussa, “That movie is f@*#ing awesome.”

“That’s when it hit us,” said LaRussa, “The Mighty Ducks were the best team in their city which automatically makes them qualified to be the U.S. Hockey Team in Goodwill Games, that part is obvious. But they weren’t good enough to beat the world, so they had to get a few more players. We figured if you take the 2006 World Champions, and add a few extra players, then World Series here we come.”

The actual lineup the Cardinals have in mind was still very sketchy, but we tried our best to decipher who they had penciled-in for the lineup. This was especially difficult because LaRussa only referred to the players as the Mighty Ducks character that they most reminded him of, and did so through fits of giggling and telling John Mozeliak to “shhhh” over the phone.

“The lineup is pretty simple, the hard part was rollerblading all over the city to round them up,” said LaRussa, “We’ve got Fulton, who can hit really hard (Albert Pujols), and Charlie who’s our captain and really leads our squad (Chris Carpenter?). We had to go get that Cake-eater Adam Banks (Jim Edmonds?). Goldberg who’s our goalie (Catcher Yadier Molina?) and that annoying Averman kid (Adam Wainwright?). After that it was basically just filling in the missing pieces and bringing home the trophy.”

Mozeliak said that every move he’s made this off-season has been in efforts to recruit players that resembled the young hockey stars recruited in D2. “First we had to get Portman, that guy is the other bash brother and we need him for the power (Matt Holliday). Then we picked up Luis because of his speed (Fastball hurler Brad Penny) and Russ Tyler because of the knuckle-puck (Knuckle baller Charlie Zink). Now all we need is that Asian, Ken Woo, we used to have (So Taguchi?) and that Dwayne guy from Texas (Texas free agent Hank Blalock?). After that it’s just off to Iceland (New York?) to claim the championship.”

Alledgedly backup catcher, Jason LaRue, is not happy about the comparisons to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney.

LaRussa and Mozeliak promised that if their 2010 team failed to bring home the World Championship, they would do their best to make the 2011 squad “Just like that kick-ass movie, Space Jam,” although they noted the difficulties that would come with trying to get Bill Murray to sign a Major League contract.

LaRue Admits to Using Myriad of Non-Performance Enhancing Drugs to Enhance Performance

December 10, 2009

Jason LaRue called an impromptu press conference yesterday in order to announce to the media that he routinly uses non-performance enhancing drugs such as heroin, cocaine, marijuana, speed, ecstasy, mushrooms, angel dust, PCP, methamphetamine, acid, cough syrup,  and keyboard duster spray, often all in the same game, to enhance his playing ability.

“I just..I gotta wanna get this stuff out in the open,” said LaRue during his press conference between fits of slurring and giggling, “I am who I am man, that’s, that’s just Jason being Jason.” LaRue ended the seven minute meeting with the press by releasing a loud “Woooo” and falling off the stage. It should be noted that the backup catcher did this entire conference without a shirt on and leaning on a guy he continuously referred to  as “Pinto.”

When asked about LaRue’s confession of often being “So high he didn’t know what baseball was” during games, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was quick to defend the veteran. “It was the call of the coaching staff on whether or not to play him. In the era of steroids, it was really the least of our worries if one of our guys was downing mushrooms between innings or had to do a couple lines before stepping in the batters box.” LaRussa admitted that there were times when the player’s performance was effected. “Yeah, there were definitely times when me and (pitching coach Dave) Dunc(an) would get together and have to make the call that Jason shouldn’t be breathing, let alone catching a Major League baseball game.”

Baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, said that the league would not be taking action that would taint LaRue’s legacy in baseball. “I don’t really see how it could have possibly given him an edge over the other players in the league,” said Selig, “If anything I’d say it makes his career that much more impressive. Playing baseball at a major league level is an achievement, but doing so while constantly deteriorating your motor skills, reaction time, and hallucinating throughout the entire game, well that seems damn near impossible.” Selig went on to say that all of LaRue’s career statistics will be left alone despite his confession. “Far be it from me to deny his 94 career home runs, 14 stolen bases, and lifetime .232 batting average.” When asked if this would taint his chances at entering the baseball Hall of Fame, Selig said he doubts this will have ANY effect on whether or not Jason LaRue is ever considered. “I don’t think we’ll ever be having that discussion about this player,” Selig said.

In a followup interview with LaRue, reporters questioned why the veteran found it necessary to use large amounts of methamphetamine, acid, and horse-tranquilizers before catching. “Trust me, I wouldn’t have been taking all that stuff if it didn’t improve my performance and make baseball games a lot more laid back,” said LaRue, “but when you have a guy like Jason Motte on the mound throwing 99 MPH fastballs your way, you need something to mellow you out and basically slow down time for a while. It’s really hard to see how an Adam Wainwright curve ball is moving, but when it leaves a rainbow trail behind it, well that makes things a little easier.

When asked about his comments at the earlier press conference, LaRue insists he has no recollection of any press conference happening, but says that over the last 4 days he really has “no damn clue” where he’s been or what he’s been doing.

Upon resigning Jason LaRue, the Cardinals have had to expand the player's locker to make more room for "necessary baseball equipment."

Cardinals Sign Some Guy Who Isn’t Matt Holliday

December 8, 2009

The St. Louis Cardinals recently signed some guy who definately isn't this big, beautiful bastard. Although the Guy-Who-Isn't-Matt-Holliday may pitch better, he apparently lacks in every other aspect of baseball and life.

In a moment of confusion, Cardinals fans wildly celebrated a major signing by the front office during manager’s meetings yesterday. The mass excitement was soon followed by realization, disbelief, and outrage as fans slowly realized that the person they had signed was not outfielder Matt Holliday.

“At first I was totally stoked,” said Cardinal’s fan Brandon Holth, “but then I heard the newscasters repeat the name and realized that they didn’t say Matt Holliday. I thought that I misunderstood, but then I realized that the name they said wasn’t even close to Matt Holliday and that Matt probably wasn’t going to fill a hole in our starting rotation. That’s when I got an odd mixture of confused, angry, and scared all at once.” When Cardinals fans were asked about the signing of the player who is not Matt Holliday, they simply stated that they didn’t know who this Not-Matt-Holliday-Guy was and frankly didn’t care.

Reporters are admittedly having a hard time continuously reporting that the front office wants to, first and foremost, resign Matt Holliday to a contract with the club when they keep signing players who seem to completely lack being Matt Holliday.

“Usually when you say something is your top priority, you take care of that first,” said area news reporter Shawn Elman. “This is like telling your kids that your top priority is buying them a bike for Christmas, then you go out and buy a bunch of other shit and tell them that if you still have money left, then you’ll get them the bike. You might as well tell your kid that you don’t really love them, but you”ll take their opinion into consideration.” Elman then started breaking down into an erratic fit of sobbing. “Actually this is worse. This is like saying that, and then making your kid watch you buy all the shit you don’t need while they just keep saying ‘But Daddy, what about my bike? Are you forgetting about my bike?’ Well I’m not gonna be part of John Mozeliak’s twisted Christmas anymore! I’m not going to lie to the kids and I’m not gonna lie to the people of St. Louis!”

Cardinal’s General Manager John Mozeliak had a positive view on the Non-Matt-Holliday signing. “We think that he’s going to be a real positive member of the 2010 organization. Signing Matt Holliday is still our #1 priority and we look to get that taken care of right away, but we think that this other guy who happens to not be Matt Holliday will really do some great things as well.” When asked why he didn’t take care of the club’s #1 priority before signing away almost 1/3 of the club’s available payroll this off-season, Mozeliak was quick to correct himself, “I mean that signing Matt Holliday is our top priority now. Like, now that we have this guy and Jason LaRue and a minor leaguer squared away, Matt is our priority #1 and I’m pretty sure that I made it clear at the beginning of the off-season that our priorities were: #1 Backup catcher, #2 Minor leaguer, #3 This dude and #4 Matt Holliday. I’m almost positive I laid that out from day one.”

The new player (who please keep in mind is not Matt Holliday) will be introduced at a press conference later this week, pending a physical. Busch Stadium grounds crew were already busy hanging a banner for his arrival which read: “Welcome Back Matt Holliday Brad Penny!”

St. Louis Officially Declares This Week: Jason LaRue Week

December 1, 2009

Cardinals fans celebrate Jason LaRue week in St. Louis. The scene has already set world records for drunken unruliness and has been described as a mixture of Woodstock and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

In celebration of his triumphant return to St. Louis in 2010, St. Louis has declared this week Jason LaRue week in his honor. Yesterday began the celebration of all that is man with Busch Stadium playing classic rock from their speakers for the entirety of the day. St. Louis reported an overall increase of “bad-assness” in the city limits yesterday and noted an 30% spike in “rocking out.”

Jason LaRue has been a backup to catcher Yadier Molina in his career thus far with the Cardinals. Molina said that he is happy to have LaRue back because of the confidence he instills in the All-Star. “It really gives me a lot of confidence that he lets me go out there and play most days,” Molina said, “The fact that he only caught 140 innings really shows the kind of faith he puts in me back there. I honestly feels that gave me the confidence I needed to become an all-star.” Molina also said that LaRue helped him through a lot of injury trouble, either catching while he recovered or slamming his elbow into the injured area,  giving a thumbs-up and shouting “Ehhh” Fonz-style, to fix any ailment Molina faced.

Tony LaRussa was very complimentary of the veteran. “He brings the defense we’re looking for, a quality bat, and is a great presence in the clubhouse,” LaRussa said, “Plus, man..that guy’s just really awesome. We really just can’t say that enough. He’s baseball’s bad boy and brings a lot of intimidation and street-cred to this club. He’s like Vlad the Impaler mixed with Mother Theresa, and you don’t find players like that every day.”

Jason LaRue was honored with a parade/biker rally today and anyone wearing a bandanna into Mike Shannon’s will receive a free-appetizer. Forever 21 is having a week-long sale in honor of his number and Busch Light in “Camo Cans” is half price.

Although LaRue did a lot to impress last season, his most memorable performance was the division clinching homer vs. the Rockies.

“I remember that day very distinctly,” said Cardinals’ outfielder Ryan Ludwick, “LaRue stood up, grabbed a bat and said ‘time to put an end to this bullshit. The champagne’s gettin’ warm’ Then he got up and hit the home run. It was really inspiring.” The home run clinched the division, caused uproarious joy throughout Cardinals’ Nation and inexplicably impregnated 21 women in the stands.

It is rumored that LaRue had 21 bottles of campaign to himself that night to celebrate and later ate an entire side of raw beef.

Due to LaRue’s number on the Cardinals being 21, St. Louis has momentarily abolished the drinking age in the city. Mayor Francis G. Slay announced earlier that, “This week everyone in St. Louis is 21, or at least we will all get really drunk and try to be that awesome.”

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Jason LaRue Rumored to Return in 2010

November 30, 2009

Since Jason LaRue cannot be photographed directly without the photographer bursting into flames, this picture is a close to the awesomeness of Jason LaRue as the internet can provide. Still, nowhere close.

Rumors flew in Cardinal Nation today as back-up catcher and full-time bad-ass Jason LaRue, signed a contract for 2010. This means that the Cardinals can cross off their #1 priority (Signing a player that can make women faint with pleasure and men cry tears of joy) this off-season. While they know that a contract is only semi-binding, LaRue will likely grace Busch Stadium with his unadulterated awesomeness in 2010.

“The man’s a free spirit, and that’s something you gotta respect when working with Jason LaRue,” said Cardinals’ GM John Mozeliak, “We hope that Jason will choose to catch a few innings in 2010, but it’s really up to him. Jason LaRue plays baseball where he wants, when he wants.”

The Cardinals’ pitching staff was very optimistic about the upcoming season upon hearing the news of LaRue’s return. “Oh Hell Yeah!” exclaimed starting pitcher Adam Wainwright, “That was the key to our staff’s success last year. Yadi caught most of the games, but knowing that if he wasn’t doing the job you had pure machismo with a catcher’s glove waiting in the wings? Well that would make anybody pitch a lot better.”

We were actually granted audience with the baseball great for a short interview after declared that he would add playing Major League Baseball to his extensive list of plans for next season. The interview can be found below:

Q: What made you decide to sign with the Cardinals for 2010?

A: It was a long decision. I took some time off, traveled around the world, was adviser to the pope and Dali Lama for a while, re-watched all my old VHS tapes of Happy Days and thought about my career as a whole. In the end, I decided the sport wouldn’t be near as kick-ass without yours truly, so I decided to come back. Man, that was one hell of a day.

Q: Wow, all of that in one day. What did you do with the rest of your off-season so far?

A: Went deer hunting.

Q: Any success?

A: Mild success. Got 26 deer overall. Killed 8 with my bare hands, 3 with my mustache, 6 by rocking out on my electric guitar, one I landed on jumping out of my tree stand, and the other 8 I killed by practicing my throw down to second, and two of those were with one throw.

Q: How would you describe yourself as a baseball player?

A: I’d say that I’m a mixture of a lion, St. Bernard (the actual Saint, not the dog), and a rattlesnake riding a hippopotamus with Pegasus wings. I mean, you mix those things together and add a catcher’s mask? Bam, classic LaRue.

Q: You’ve kept the handlebar mustache look for sometime now. Besides exuding pure awesomeness, is there a reason for the look?

A: Well…haha…I keep it because when I’m with the ladies (The rest of this quote was so graphic and vulgar that I couldn’t write it under penalty of law)

Q: Any final words for Cardinal Nation?

A: Better dust off that copy of Hank Jr’s “A Country Boy Can Survive,” I’ll be rocking and walking out to that puppy all season long, LaRue style. Oh, that and you’re welcome.

Jason LaRue ended the interview by flashing a “Rock On” hand gesture before mounting a black fire-breathing dragon and flying off into the sunset, his mane of golden hair and luxurious handlebar mustache waving in the wind. What was more impressive was that this happened at 1:30 in the afternoon, which led many to suspect that LaRue had caused the sun to set early on that day, just for the effect of flying off into it.

Busch Stadium is celebrating this glorious day by blasting classic rock from the grounds. If you listen closely, I think you can distantly make out Boston’s “More Than A Feeling.”

Colby Rasmus disappointed at not living up to MLB 2K9 statistics

November 18, 2009

Centerfielder Colby Rasmus worried hitting coach Al McRae early in the season by insisting that he was just trying to differentiate between his "regular" and "power" swings.

Cardinal center fielder Colby Rasmus expressed disappointment today after taking time to reflect on his 2009 season. Rasmus admitted disappointment after finishing the year with a lower batting average, fewer home runs and less RBIs than his character in the game MLB 2K9. Rasmus finished his virtual season early in June of 2009 and was hoping that his positive results in the game would translate into success on the field.

“People put a lot of time into these games to make them look and feel as realistic as possible,” said Rasmus, “I thought that how my character performed at the virtual Major League level would let me know how smooth my transition from the minors would go.” Rasmus began his 2K9 season in early February after waiting in line for 7 hours before the midnight release of the game.

“I understood striking out the first few times in the majors, but I thought once I got the hang of the timing, bat speed, and the pitcher’s movements that my batting average would be more reflective of the .837 that my avatar predicted.” Rasmus finished the year with a .251 batting average, which though respectable for a rookie, was far below his anticipations.

“I was really looking forward to a 234 home run, 467 RBI, and 78 stolen base season. I think that would have definitely secured me more votes for Rookie of the Year, and possibly MVP depending on how Albert did,” Rasmus continued, “I thought the majors were just a lot easier than the minors and my numbers would skyrocket when I got here. I was really looking forward to a home run every other at bat or so, but man, real baseball is a lot harder than 2K9 makes it out to be.”

Rasmus also expressed concern about the production of team as a whole. “We weren’t the 160 win team I thought we’d be. I figured we might drop a game or two until we figured out how to get the pitches in the zone and figure out the controls. There would definitely be some gaffs when we accidentally bunted instead of swinging away and threw to the wrong base a few times, but man, I never thought we’d lose a game after the first month or so.”

“Production was way down across the board. Carpenter and Wainwright didn’t combine for over 800 strikeouts and their ERAs were both over 1.00. I really didn’t think they’d be that far away from what their virtual selves depicted, but they both had decent seasons despite have almost double their predicted ERAs and failing to pitch 10 no-hitters apiece. Albert managed to put together another MVP caliber season, but I fully expected him to almost match my numbers and at least triple the home run record.” Rasmus was most taken aback by the fact that the Cardinals were defeated in the NLCS instead of finishing the playoffs with a World Series victory in 11 games. The Cardinals were also expected to outscore their opponents this season 2,745-43.

“I think that my numbers were down because I had to split time with Rick Ankiel. In my season, that guy didn’t see an inning,” Rasmus did have complimentary reports for one member of the Cardinal’s squad. “Jason LaRue played in 51 games this year and that’s way more than I played him. He also had 2 homers and that’s about 2 more than he had the entire season.”

Rasmus is focused on making his 2010 season more closely resemble his video game numbers, but voiced concern about a dip in production after switching the difficulty from “Easy” to “Normal.”