Posts Tagged ‘hot stove’

Does Ownership Plan to Move the Cardinal Organization Out of St. Louis?

February 11, 2010

No, No they don’t.

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Cardinals Interested In Closer That Doesn’t Look Like Mr. Tumnus the Fawn

January 13, 2010

The Cardinals search for a new closer while Ryan Franklin is off filming "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" during the 2010 season

The St. Louis Cardinals showed interest in free-agent closer Jose Valverde today in hopes of adding a more consistent, less mythical-looking closer to the 2010 lineup. Franklin had an excellent season in 2009, converting 38 of 44 save opportunities and posting a 1.92 ERA over 61 innings. The closer fell apart in September though, going 0-4 in his last appearances. Cardinals pitching coaches noted that Franklin seemed much more tense as winter approached, noting that it “brings up bad memories.”

“I got a lot of grief over that last month,” said Franklin, “I felt the impeding cold coming on and I began to freeze up. I have horrible memories of the cold, and I’ll admit that during my last few performances it started to feel like it was always winter and never Christmas. It’s a lot of pressure for us players to handle and most sons of Adam and daughters of Eve simply don’t understand that.” Franklin spoke openly about his troubles over a small serving of tea and cakes however, our interview was cut short because Franklin said that he had some parcels that he “simply must deliver.”

Cardinals management are hoping to go another direction with the closer position in 2010 and have shown interest in free-agent Jose Valverde, who doesn’t resemble a mythical creature of any kind. “Ryan was a great pitcher and all, but he just brought a lot of complications to the club,” said manager Tony LaRussa., “It was very hard for our uniform staff to find pants to fit over his unusually hairy and muscular legs, and trying to find cleats that fit over hooves, well that’s just another challenge in general. I’m just thankful that his horns never showed through his cap, the constant media criticism that we employ steroid users is bad enough without them accusing us of employing satin himself.”

Franklin also had his share of trouble in the bullpen as his fife playing and constant frolicking was deemed distracting by many of his teammates. It was also noted that many of the Christians on the team took offense to him praising a mythical creature known as “Aslan” after each successful outing.

Brendan Ryan was also warned he would receive a fine if he began to look any more like Super Mario.

Swinging Glaus Travels Many Moons To Braves Seeking Medicine Man

December 29, 2009

The Braves' medicine man, or "trainer" as they like to call him, will try to help Troy Glaus improve his game with Atlanta, possibly setting up his Tipi around first base.

Story passed down by many a Brave tell brother Fredbird Follies that soaring red bird of past, Troy Glaus, has traveled many moon to seek the medicine man of Atlanta Tribe. Brother Big Bat Glaus sign with Tribe in hopes medicine man can heal deep his pains and let him compete in more than 14 contests when the sun gets hot in the mother sky. Glaus hopes to fix many knots in back and replace glass bones with strong steel. Glaus hurt many long harvests with Red Birds and no soar with bat sitting many contest in kiva (dugout). Glaus hope to move like the running deer when mother sky warms and play first base with the power of the mighty brother bear. Glaus hope to use mighty stick to hit ball to where buffalo roam.

Glaus said the Cleveland Indians were also an option.

(I apologize that my Native American sounds like a mix of broken Italian and caveman. If any Native-Americans read this article I deeply apologize and hope that peace may be found in a pipe of some kind. However, I think I actually know everyone that reads this and none of you are Native-American so it shouldn’t be a problem.)

St. Louis Brings In Pitching Staff To Help Them Throw Money At Matt Holliday

December 15, 2009

Matt Holliday is hoping to have a productive season in 2010 if he's not injured in a freak "money flying at him from every imaginable angle" accident.

St. Louis Officially Declares This Week: Jason LaRue Week

December 1, 2009

Cardinals fans celebrate Jason LaRue week in St. Louis. The scene has already set world records for drunken unruliness and has been described as a mixture of Woodstock and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

In celebration of his triumphant return to St. Louis in 2010, St. Louis has declared this week Jason LaRue week in his honor. Yesterday began the celebration of all that is man with Busch Stadium playing classic rock from their speakers for the entirety of the day. St. Louis reported an overall increase of “bad-assness” in the city limits yesterday and noted an 30% spike in “rocking out.”

Jason LaRue has been a backup to catcher Yadier Molina in his career thus far with the Cardinals. Molina said that he is happy to have LaRue back because of the confidence he instills in the All-Star. “It really gives me a lot of confidence that he lets me go out there and play most days,” Molina said, “The fact that he only caught 140 innings really shows the kind of faith he puts in me back there. I honestly feels that gave me the confidence I needed to become an all-star.” Molina also said that LaRue helped him through a lot of injury trouble, either catching while he recovered or slamming his elbow into the injured area,  giving a thumbs-up and shouting “Ehhh” Fonz-style, to fix any ailment Molina faced.

Tony LaRussa was very complimentary of the veteran. “He brings the defense we’re looking for, a quality bat, and is a great presence in the clubhouse,” LaRussa said, “Plus, man..that guy’s just really awesome. We really just can’t say that enough. He’s baseball’s bad boy and brings a lot of intimidation and street-cred to this club. He’s like Vlad the Impaler mixed with Mother Theresa, and you don’t find players like that every day.”

Jason LaRue was honored with a parade/biker rally today and anyone wearing a bandanna into Mike Shannon’s will receive a free-appetizer. Forever 21 is having a week-long sale in honor of his number and Busch Light in “Camo Cans” is half price.

Although LaRue did a lot to impress last season, his most memorable performance was the division clinching homer vs. the Rockies.

“I remember that day very distinctly,” said Cardinals’ outfielder Ryan Ludwick, “LaRue stood up, grabbed a bat and said ‘time to put an end to this bullshit. The champagne’s gettin’ warm’ Then he got up and hit the home run. It was really inspiring.” The home run clinched the division, caused uproarious joy throughout Cardinals’ Nation and inexplicably impregnated 21 women in the stands.

It is rumored that LaRue had 21 bottles of campaign to himself that night to celebrate and later ate an entire side of raw beef.

Due to LaRue’s number on the Cardinals being 21, St. Louis has momentarily abolished the drinking age in the city. Mayor Francis G. Slay announced earlier that, “This week everyone in St. Louis is 21, or at least we will all get really drunk and try to be that awesome.”

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: Jason LaRue Rumored to Return in 2010

November 30, 2009

Since Jason LaRue cannot be photographed directly without the photographer bursting into flames, this picture is a close to the awesomeness of Jason LaRue as the internet can provide. Still, nowhere close.

Rumors flew in Cardinal Nation today as back-up catcher and full-time bad-ass Jason LaRue, signed a contract for 2010. This means that the Cardinals can cross off their #1 priority (Signing a player that can make women faint with pleasure and men cry tears of joy) this off-season. While they know that a contract is only semi-binding, LaRue will likely grace Busch Stadium with his unadulterated awesomeness in 2010.

“The man’s a free spirit, and that’s something you gotta respect when working with Jason LaRue,” said Cardinals’ GM John Mozeliak, “We hope that Jason will choose to catch a few innings in 2010, but it’s really up to him. Jason LaRue plays baseball where he wants, when he wants.”

The Cardinals’ pitching staff was very optimistic about the upcoming season upon hearing the news of LaRue’s return. “Oh Hell Yeah!” exclaimed starting pitcher Adam Wainwright, “That was the key to our staff’s success last year. Yadi caught most of the games, but knowing that if he wasn’t doing the job you had pure machismo with a catcher’s glove waiting in the wings? Well that would make anybody pitch a lot better.”

We were actually granted audience with the baseball great for a short interview after declared that he would add playing Major League Baseball to his extensive list of plans for next season. The interview can be found below:

Q: What made you decide to sign with the Cardinals for 2010?

A: It was a long decision. I took some time off, traveled around the world, was adviser to the pope and Dali Lama for a while, re-watched all my old VHS tapes of Happy Days and thought about my career as a whole. In the end, I decided the sport wouldn’t be near as kick-ass without yours truly, so I decided to come back. Man, that was one hell of a day.

Q: Wow, all of that in one day. What did you do with the rest of your off-season so far?

A: Went deer hunting.

Q: Any success?

A: Mild success. Got 26 deer overall. Killed 8 with my bare hands, 3 with my mustache, 6 by rocking out on my electric guitar, one I landed on jumping out of my tree stand, and the other 8 I killed by practicing my throw down to second, and two of those were with one throw.

Q: How would you describe yourself as a baseball player?

A: I’d say that I’m a mixture of a lion, St. Bernard (the actual Saint, not the dog), and a rattlesnake riding a hippopotamus with Pegasus wings. I mean, you mix those things together and add a catcher’s mask? Bam, classic LaRue.

Q: You’ve kept the handlebar mustache look for sometime now. Besides exuding pure awesomeness, is there a reason for the look?

A: Well…haha…I keep it because when I’m with the ladies (The rest of this quote was so graphic and vulgar that I couldn’t write it under penalty of law)

Q: Any final words for Cardinal Nation?

A: Better dust off that copy of Hank Jr’s “A Country Boy Can Survive,” I’ll be rocking and walking out to that puppy all season long, LaRue style. Oh, that and you’re welcome.

Jason LaRue ended the interview by flashing a “Rock On” hand gesture before mounting a black fire-breathing dragon and flying off into the sunset, his mane of golden hair and luxurious handlebar mustache waving in the wind. What was more impressive was that this happened at 1:30 in the afternoon, which led many to suspect that LaRue had caused the sun to set early on that day, just for the effect of flying off into it.

Busch Stadium is celebrating this glorious day by blasting classic rock from the grounds. If you listen closely, I think you can distantly make out Boston’s “More Than A Feeling.”