Posts Tagged ‘holliday’

Does Ownership Plan to Move the Cardinal Organization Out of St. Louis?

February 11, 2010

No, No they don’t.

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St. Louis Brings In Pitching Staff To Help Them Throw Money At Matt Holliday

December 15, 2009

Matt Holliday is hoping to have a productive season in 2010 if he's not injured in a freak "money flying at him from every imaginable angle" accident.

Cardinals Sign Some Guy Who Isn’t Matt Holliday

December 8, 2009

The St. Louis Cardinals recently signed some guy who definately isn't this big, beautiful bastard. Although the Guy-Who-Isn't-Matt-Holliday may pitch better, he apparently lacks in every other aspect of baseball and life.

In a moment of confusion, Cardinals fans wildly celebrated a major signing by the front office during manager’s meetings yesterday. The mass excitement was soon followed by realization, disbelief, and outrage as fans slowly realized that the person they had signed was not outfielder Matt Holliday.

“At first I was totally stoked,” said Cardinal’s fan Brandon Holth, “but then I heard the newscasters repeat the name and realized that they didn’t say Matt Holliday. I thought that I misunderstood, but then I realized that the name they said wasn’t even close to Matt Holliday and that Matt probably wasn’t going to fill a hole in our starting rotation. That’s when I got an odd mixture of confused, angry, and scared all at once.” When Cardinals fans were asked about the signing of the player who is not Matt Holliday, they simply stated that they didn’t know who this Not-Matt-Holliday-Guy was and frankly didn’t care.

Reporters are admittedly having a hard time continuously reporting that the front office wants to, first and foremost, resign Matt Holliday to a contract with the club when they keep signing players who seem to completely lack being Matt Holliday.

“Usually when you say something is your top priority, you take care of that first,” said area news reporter Shawn Elman. “This is like telling your kids that your top priority is buying them a bike for Christmas, then you go out and buy a bunch of other shit and tell them that if you still have money left, then you’ll get them the bike. You might as well tell your kid that you don’t really love them, but you”ll take their opinion into consideration.” Elman then started breaking down into an erratic fit of sobbing. “Actually this is worse. This is like saying that, and then making your kid watch you buy all the shit you don’t need while they just keep saying ‘But Daddy, what about my bike? Are you forgetting about my bike?’ Well I’m not gonna be part of John Mozeliak’s twisted Christmas anymore! I’m not going to lie to the kids and I’m not gonna lie to the people of St. Louis!”

Cardinal’s General Manager John Mozeliak had a positive view on the Non-Matt-Holliday signing. “We think that he’s going to be a real positive member of the 2010 organization. Signing Matt Holliday is still our #1 priority and we look to get that taken care of right away, but we think that this other guy who happens to not be Matt Holliday will really do some great things as well.” When asked why he didn’t take care of the club’s #1 priority before signing away almost 1/3 of the club’s available payroll this off-season, Mozeliak was quick to correct himself, “I mean that signing Matt Holliday is our top priority now. Like, now that we have this guy and Jason LaRue and a minor leaguer squared away, Matt is our priority #1 and I’m pretty sure that I made it clear at the beginning of the off-season that our priorities were: #1 Backup catcher, #2 Minor leaguer, #3 This dude and #4 Matt Holliday. I’m almost positive I laid that out from day one.”

The new player (who please keep in mind is not Matt Holliday) will be introduced at a press conference later this week, pending a physical. Busch Stadium grounds crew were already busy hanging a banner for his arrival which read: “Welcome Back Matt Holliday Brad Penny!”

As Hope of Retaining Matt Holiday Fades, Cardinals Sign So Taguchi to Appease Fans

November 10, 2009
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After being re-signed to the St. Louis Cardinals, outfielder So Taguchi reveals that he kept all of his Cardinal gear and routinly wears it on off days.

In a surprise move today, Cardinal’s general manager John Mozeliak announced that the Cardinals have picked up outfielder So Taguchi as negotiations to attain Matt Holliday continue to look grim.

“Taguchi is a great addition to the team. The fans just love that guy and we figured that maybe this would take some focus off the club as Matt Holliday get’s signed to a team that can afford his salary,” said Mozeliak of the unexpected signing. “He’s just a big moral booster, I figure he can jog out and play left field in the 8th or 9th inning, maybe pitch hit once in a while and on off days he can run around up on the dugout with Fredbird and the girls. The fans just seem to go crazy about him.” When asked about a serious replacement option in left field, Mozeliak had no comment.

“I’m very excited about returning to the Cardinals, the fans are just amazing.” Taguchi said through a translator yesterday, “these are the kind of fans who really don’t care if you only bat six times in a season, they just remember that I played here once in a while in ’06 when we won the World Series and that I seemed to always come up with the game on the line and hit a home run. That’s what these fans need, not necessarily a consistent hitter or a ‘good player,’ but one that leaves them wondering ‘how the hell did he pull that off?’ every month or so.”

When asked if he missed playing for the redbirds, Taguchi responded, “Of course. Every time I came to St. Louis with the Phillies or the Cubs the fans would always welcome me back very warmly. I was thrilled at the standing ovations I received. I’m pretty sure that some of the fans in Philadelphia and Chicago didn’t even know who I was. In fact, I’m not sure all of the players knew who I was.” Coaches said that Taguchi would routinely show up to team meetings and practices in Cardinals team gear. Rumor was that Taguchi would be unapologetic when confronted about wear Cardinals T-shirts under his jersey while playing for the Phillies. Taguchi would also reportedly yell the he wanted to “go home” every time he was corrected during practice in Chicago or Philadelphia.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was pleased with the decision to bring on Taguchi. “That kid’s like a little good luck charm, not necessarily good for anything in particular, but having him on your team just makes you feel better about your odds.” LaRussa referred to the ’08 World Champion Phillies saying, “He only appeared in like 80 games for them that season, but they took home a ring, and that’s really all that matters.” When told that the “kid” he was referring to had recently hit his 40th birthday, LaRussa responded “Damn, that guy looks like he’s 17.”

Cardinal’s ace Chris Carpenter was not as excited about the acquisition. “I won a Cy Young, carried our staff to the World Series in 2006 and made the most impressive comeback that anyone has seen in years, but you still see more ‘Taguchi’ jerseys in Busch Stadium than ‘Carpenter.’ I’d just like to remind these fans that he hasn’t even played here in like 3 years.” When asked if he thought Taguchi could somehow help bring the championship back to St. Louis, Carpenter threw his hands up before saying “Probably, somehow that guy has 2 World Series rings which is more than I can say. I’m still not sure how the hell he pulled that off.”