Posts Tagged ‘2009’

St. Louis Brings In Pitching Staff To Help Them Throw Money At Matt Holliday

December 15, 2009

Matt Holliday is hoping to have a productive season in 2010 if he's not injured in a freak "money flying at him from every imaginable angle" accident.


God Wins National League MVP

November 24, 2009

The Baseball Writers of America announced to the sporting world today that they have unanimously elected God, legendary deity and basis of most Western religions, as the National League Most Valuable Player.  The decision left most baseball analysts surprised at the selection and set off an entirely new approach to most awards in the world of professional sports. Many of the writers were asked to explain their reasoning behind the selection at a press conference held earlier today.

“Well our first instinct was to give it to Pujols. The guy had an outstanding season and really put up some impressive numbers. When we went back to look at some tapes, we realized an important detail that we had overlooked. Every base hit, every home run, and every at bat, Pujols would do something to signal God. Whether that was an upward point, a quick sign of the cross, or throwing up a prayer before a game, he was constantly consulting the Big Man Upstairs before doing all these things that would have made him MVP,” said Matt Fiorello, writer for ESPN. “It made you start wondering where all of this talent was really coming from.”

“It seemed like every interview you had with Pujols, he was giving credit to God for his abilities and the way he was performing,” said Matt Stamp, writer for Sport Illustrated. “It made us question who we should be giving this award to. I mean, if God was behind his 47 home runs, 15 stolen bases and over 100 RBIs, who was really the most valuable player in the National League?”

Pujols was taken aback by the decision, but said that the awarding was fair. “I do play for God, but…well… I guess he gave me my abilities so…I can’t really argue with their decision.” Pujols shook his head and looked with bewilderment skyward before exiting the press-conference. Pujols finished second in voting with 32 unanimous 2nd place votes.

God was extremely pleased with this announcement and felt that this award was “A long time coming.” “I just think it’s about time,” said God through a divine translator later called a “prophet,” “I’ve helped Albert win 2 other MVPs, Silver Slugger Awards, Gold Gloves, and gotten that guy quite a few All-Star nods, very nice of him to give credit where credit is due.” God went on to address the fact that he feels he was snubbed for approximately 73 prior MVP awards in both the American and National Leagues, 37 World Series Rings, and various other athletic awards across sports. “I didn’t see Kobe Bryant sending me one of his NBA Championship Rings and the ‘miracle’ comeback of the Red Sox in 2004? Where was the credit for that one? Yeah, I’m looking at you David Ortiz.”

When asked what he thought of God’s NL MVP win, Joe Mauer, the AL MVP, said that he thought God was good this season, but not great. “Yeah, when you’re playing with a club that has Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday, not to mention the pitching staff of Carpenter and Wainwright, it’s easy to put up some big numbers,” Mauer said.

When asked if he would be sharing the AL MVP honor with The Heavenly Father, Mauer was reluctant to share the spotlight.

“Let’s get this straight, Joe Mauer plays baseball for one man: Joe Mauer.”

2009 NL MVP God says that he had a major hand in the MLB this year but swears he was not a part of the 2009 Yankees WS win. "Kinda the other guy's territory," He said.

Todd Wellemeyer Still Technically a Candidate for Cy Young

November 17, 2009

In an announcement that shocked baseball today, Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan noted that Cardinal pitcher Todd Wellemeyer is still technically in the running for the NL Cy Young Award.

“Well, I just meant that he was a pitcher and technically every major league pitcher has a chance at winning the Cy Young. I honestly don’t think he’ll even be considered this year. I was just saying that it was still anyone’s race,” Duncan said. The coach later clarified that he was only speculating between the top three candidates, Tim Lincecum, Chris Carpenter, and Adam Wainwright.

When asked about the possibility of Todd Wellemeyer being considered, sports writer Trevor Irwin was less than optimistic, “He had a pretty bad year if I remember correctly. 2008 wasn’t bad for him, but still not near a Cy Young caliber performance. I think we’ll be talking about a few Cardinals when it’s time to vote, but I just don’t think he’ll be in the mix.” Irwin later went on to clarify, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?”

Todd Wellemeyer came into the year filling out the Cardinals rotation but was plagued with stints in the minor leagues and the bullpen after being diagnosed with a condition known as “really horrible performance” and later being trouble by a slight “towering ERA.” Wellemeyer finished the year with a 5.89 ERA, 78 strikeouts, and 80 earned runs.

When asked about a contract extension for the free agent Wellemeyer, Cardinals GM John Mozeliak seemed puzzled by the possibility of resigning the 7 game winner, “Are you serious? I just don’t think he has a place in this club. He did some great things for us in the past, but…do people really think we should resign him? I mean the guy only played in 28 games and gave up 19 home runs.” Mozeliak later went on to add, “Are you sure you’re not talking about Joel Pinero?

Wellmeyer is still hopeful for big news in the Cy Young announcements due to the fact that any pitcher is eligible and we’ve just learned that what Todd Wellemeyer did during games is technically still considered pitching.

Cardinals pitcher Todd Wellemeyer was excited to learn today that what he did on the mound this season will still be considered "pitching" and not "tossing the ball to the caatcher" making him elligible for the Cy Young Award