Area Children Tire of Albert Jr.’s “My Dad Is Cooler Than Your Dad” Comeback

In a playground report issued last week, area children unanimously agreed that they were quickly tiring of Albert Pujols Jr. always responding to taunts and boasting with his signature “My dad is cooler than your dad” comment.

“It’s dumb,” said area 4th grader Josh Glueck, “You can’t get into an argument with him because you know eventually it’s going to come back to the fact that his dad plays major league baseball and is a three time MVP and my dad is a real-estate agent,” said Glueck.

Teachers and school administrators seem to also express concern over dealing with the son of a future Hall-of-Famer. “I called him into my office about a year ago for pushing another child on the playground,” recalled Elementary School Principal Earl Parker, “He just looked up at me and asked me who I thought I was telling him what to do. Then, he looked me straight in the face and told me that his dad was the best baseball player of our generation and asked me what i’ve ever done with my life,” tears crept into the corners of Parker’s eyes, “I spent years trying to positively affect the lives of the youth of St. Louis, but when you see a guy who has been in the running for MVP every year since hitting the majors, well you start wondering if you made the right choices in your life.” Allegedly Parker sent Pujols Jr. back to class at that point and spent the remainder of the school day openly weeping in his office.

“I told the kids that we were adopting a needy family during the holidays this year,” said 2nd grade teacher Whitney Paul, “then little Albert raised his hand and informed the class that his dad donates millions of dollars to the needy in the Dominican Republic and holds dozens of charity events for children with Down Syndrome,” said Paul, “After that, I mean, it didn’t really seem that special that we were gonna get some kid a bike this year. Why should we even try when this kid’s dad is out there saving the world and hitting home runs every freakin’ day?”

“He just keeps saying that his dad is the best Cardinal since Stan Musial,” said area child Sherman Fairwood,”He doesn’t care that I have no idea who that is. I don’t even watch baseball. The only reason I know his dad is because every year for Albert Jr’s birthday his dad takes us all to a baseball game and gives us gift bags with Nintendo Wiis and remote control helicopters. I’ll let him win an argument just so I keep getting invited back to his house for sleepovers,” said Fairwood.

Due to the incredible unfairness it presented to the other children, career day at Pujols Jr’s school has been canceled indefinitely.

In all seriousness, the Pujols family does a great deal to benefit those in need. Please visit their site pujolsfamilyfoundation.com and help the man who has given so much to St. Louis give a little more to those who can’t afford a bed to sleep in, let alone attend a baseball game. This holiday season, I urge you to take a closer look at just how amazing #5 and his family are off the field as well.

Classmates of Albert Pujols Jr. are increasingly upset at losing arguements about whose dad is cooler. "You can't really be mad," said one child, "Albert Pujols is really cool."

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