Tiger Woods Publically Thanks Jason LaRue

Tiger Woods came forward today to thank Cardinals' catcher Jason LaRue for signing this week and taking all of the media spotlight off of the golfer's incident. "He's amazing," said Woods, "it's like if the Fonz played baseball."

In a recent press conference attended by very few members of the media who were interested in his second-rate sports story, Tiger Woods announced that he was very thankful his public incident would be overshadowed in the sporting world by the Cardinals resigning veteran catcher Jason LaRue.

“It came at a great time for me and my family,” said Woods in a statement ignored by many in light of the Jason LaRue signing, “I deeply apologize for my actions, but first and for-most I have to extend a warm sense of gratitude to Jason LaRue for…..”

*Note: Our reporter stood up and left the press-conference at this point of Woods’ statement because he got a text message that there was more breaking news on the Jason LaRue signing.

ESPN commentators went into a media frenzy talking about what possible effects this would have on endorsement deals, his family life, and his performance over the next year. “I don’t think we’ll see much effect on his game,” said ESPN announcer Ahmad Rashad, “He has consistently risen to a certain level and that’s what all the great athlete’s do. They might have some big media hype around them and people asking a lot of personal questions, but that’s what separates the people that should play at a professional level and the people who shouldn’t. As far as endorsement deals, I think that this won’t have a long-term effect on any of that. Bottom line is that the guy is a winner and you always want a winner endorsing your brand. If I’m Gillette, I don’t care about all the media buzz, I just want Jason LaRue using my razor to trim his perfectly grown handlebar mustache, period.

When asked if he had any comment on the Tiger Woods story, Rashad claimed to have no knowledge of anything going on. “Even if something did happen, it would be a footnote in the sporting world this week,” Rashad said.

“People wreck cars every day, every single day,” said Sports Illustrated editor Otis Spelling, “but signing a guy like Jason LaRue to a one year deal, man that’s gotta make the cover. I think you’ll be seeing that guy’s face everywhere this week, Sports Illustrated, ESPN the Magazine, Better Homes and Gardens, take it from me, everybody is going to want in on this Jason Larue story. He’s gonna be all over late-night TV, the news, social media, I’m telling you that Jason LaRue is going to be a trending topic on Twitter for at least a couple of days. There just isn’t a lot going on in sports right now.”

Tiger’s publicist said that it’s really a dream situation to have something this big come up right at the time of Tiger’s accident. Rumors have flown about the golf star being involved with domestic abuse, cheating, and a myriad of other things that are not nearly as interesting as Jason LaRue.

When asked about all the good he’s done for  Woods, Jason LaRue down-played his role in saving Tiger’s golf career. “It’s just what I do, I swoop in right when we’re down and do that one thing that leaves all the fans shaking their head,” LaRue said (quite beautifully we might add) “If every move I made wasn’t complete, unadulterated awesomeness? Well then I wouldn’t be Jason LaRue.”

In other news not related to Jason LaRue, the NBA and NFL are still playing this week despite their noticeable lack of bad boy machismo and rock-star facial hair.

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One Response to “Tiger Woods Publically Thanks Jason LaRue”

  1. Cardinal70 Says:

    Gotta say, loving LaRue week. Then again, how could I not? There’s no choice with that kind of awesome, is there?

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