St. Louis Officially Declares This Week: Jason LaRue Week

Cardinals fans celebrate Jason LaRue week in St. Louis. The scene has already set world records for drunken unruliness and has been described as a mixture of Woodstock and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

In celebration of his triumphant return to St. Louis in 2010, St. Louis has declared this week Jason LaRue week in his honor. Yesterday began the celebration of all that is man with Busch Stadium playing classic rock from their speakers for the entirety of the day. St. Louis reported an overall increase of “bad-assness” in the city limits yesterday and noted an 30% spike in “rocking out.”

Jason LaRue has been a backup to catcher Yadier Molina in his career thus far with the Cardinals. Molina said that he is happy to have LaRue back because of the confidence he instills in the All-Star. “It really gives me a lot of confidence that he lets me go out there and play most days,” Molina said, “The fact that he only caught 140 innings really shows the kind of faith he puts in me back there. I honestly feels that gave me the confidence I needed to become an all-star.” Molina also said that LaRue helped him through a lot of injury trouble, either catching while he recovered or slamming his elbow into the injured area,  giving a thumbs-up and shouting “Ehhh” Fonz-style, to fix any ailment Molina faced.

Tony LaRussa was very complimentary of the veteran. “He brings the defense we’re looking for, a quality bat, and is a great presence in the clubhouse,” LaRussa said, “Plus, man..that guy’s just really awesome. We really just can’t say that enough. He’s baseball’s bad boy and brings a lot of intimidation and street-cred to this club. He’s like Vlad the Impaler mixed with Mother Theresa, and you don’t find players like that every day.”

Jason LaRue was honored with a parade/biker rally today and anyone wearing a bandanna into Mike Shannon’s will receive a free-appetizer. Forever 21 is having a week-long sale in honor of his number and Busch Light in “Camo Cans” is half price.

Although LaRue did a lot to impress last season, his most memorable performance was the division clinching homer vs. the Rockies.

“I remember that day very distinctly,” said Cardinals’ outfielder Ryan Ludwick, “LaRue stood up, grabbed a bat and said ‘time to put an end to this bullshit. The champagne’s gettin’ warm’ Then he got up and hit the home run. It was really inspiring.” The home run clinched the division, caused uproarious joy throughout Cardinals’ Nation and inexplicably impregnated 21 women in the stands.

It is rumored that LaRue had 21 bottles of campaign to himself that night to celebrate and later ate an entire side of raw beef.

Due to LaRue’s number on the Cardinals being 21, St. Louis has momentarily abolished the drinking age in the city. Mayor Francis G. Slay announced earlier that, “This week everyone in St. Louis is 21, or at least we will all get really drunk and try to be that awesome.”


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